HAPPY BIRTHDAY

She turns sixteen today. 9th of March. I remember her being the only one in the family who's excited about upcoming birthdays. She loves giving each of us a handmade birthday cards when its our birthday and when its hers, she never fails to remind us that she expects us to give her something. Its odd, because I still remember how we celebrates her birthday for those thirteen years. The memories were still clear as crystal. I remember giving her a stuff toy when she turns twelve, she named it twelve and I promised her then that there will always be a stuff toy every March 9 which she can name based on her age. I never have imagined that she can only hold two stuff toys.

I keep my promise until now. I had Sixteen for her as a gift.

What will she look like if she was here? Will she resembles my features? Will her voice change? Will her hair be still long or short? Will her skin be more fair or dark? What kind of stuff toy will she request me for? How many slices of cake can she eat?

The answers, I will never know. It has been taken away from me three years ago.

I don't want to cry. I'm so tired of being so emotional, but today when I was beside that small piece of earth that keep her physical body away from us, I had let my heart out. I shed tears, this time not from pain, but from the gratitude of having known her. I feel so special at that very moment, of all the years I had, of all the years I will always be grateful to had. Man, she was the most wonderful gift I ever treasured.


And up until that moment I was convince more than ever that I will never say goodbye.





















After all, I never had any intentions of moving on.

BEAUTIFUL WORDS

"The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing: isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed by feelings of panic, self-loathing and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that's on a good day."

I wonder how these people were able to put the exact feelings I feel into words. I've learned to accept somehow that there were feelings one may feel that has no equivalent in words, for putting those emotions into words would betray the feeling and the essence of it. Im just glad that Im weird (laughs silently while writing this).

"You had to take risks, follow some path and abandon others. No one can make a choice without feeling afraid."
-Paulo Coelho, Brida

STICKING TO THE STATUS QUO

Problem:

I have spent this last five days struggling over my long time dreams and the fact of who I am now. Well, this long time dreams basically consist of me being a musician and a published author while the fact that I am now a registered nurse were just like two opposing forces.

Registered nurses should take the path of developing your career: getting yourself a two or more graduate courses, work abroad, be a member of different organizations and help the profession to grow. But as you already know me by my posts now, I always want more.

I never consider myself as Jill of all trades. I guess Im just having a difficult time now because I've been raise in a culture that teach people to live and think inside the box instead of having and dreaming lives larger than life itself. Maybe its the reason why some of my people feel afraid of taking paths unknown to them.

"What if it does not work?"
"If I take it, what if its not comfortable?"
"What if people reject me because Im not born for it?"

The what ifs. I just hated them. Walking an unknown path can be very scary but what if its worth it?

Resolution:

Its clear to me now, if I want something, I should get it myself. After all, no one else can walk the road Im destined to travel at. I don't want to be comfortable. Comfortable people does not have a space in history. I decided now that I will innovate myself, if I fail, I have a lesson learned but if I win I will be happy. So much for a deviant. Darn.

SENTIMENTAL FOOL

He was my type. Tall, lean, moreno, and mysterious. He belongs to the society I have spent five years to be at. I still remember the day I laid my eyes on him and I thought he came from the same world I always try to deny myself from. I had admired him. His thoughts, the way he try to build a wall for himself, the excitement of penetrating that wall and seeing him from the inside, that hope of falling inlove and being loved which I thought I can have a taste of---- man, I was wrong, as usual when it comes to guys.

I never expected anything from him. I had learned not to expect anything from anyone through hard ways. Maybe I just thought that after those long enduring years of keeping myself I finally found someone who.......

He was not what I think of him at all. He's the typical guy who longs for love yet too reluctant to give his heart to someone else. He's not different as I imagine he is. He doesn't know his worth that's why he settles for physical pleasure rather than finding that one true love that will try to burn every fiber of his being. To make this long nonsensical story of mine short, I find him just like them--a sentimental fool, who thinks he had seen enough of this world but doesn't really know anything.

"I told you, no matter how far you go, you will never escape the fact that you will always be alone."

This is all my fault. I have let myself go to the place I am forbidden. I'm just fortunate I can still get myself back.