Mark Twain once said that the two most important day in our lives are the day when we're born and the day we found out why. I guess I already arrived on the day that I found out why.
I was born to write stories.
I was born with an insatiable appetite to understand the world because I'm going to write it down.
Please don't think that I'm deluding myself or anything, but I recently made up two short stories and two novellas. I just tried it out to know if I can really come up with ideas, characters and words and who would have believed that I actually did. As of now I'm also drilling myself in self-taught grammar and style course, alternating with creative writing and reading The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson (the second installment of Millennium Trilogy). I joined NaNoWriMo last November 2014 and submitted a novel with 50,000 words---self-edited.
I know my achievements couldn't yet be compared to those who already made a debut with their first novel in the industry, but for someone like me, with a degree in Nursing, with no formal education in English and creative writing and a non-native English speaker, finishing stories made me feel as if I'm... there. Walking on the road that I never even dare set foot years ago for fear that it will be a pointless thing to do. I was just that book geek with an old soul who admires Mary Shelley and Sidney Sheldon, pressing her nose between the pages of that dusty book and daydreaming that one day, I will be holding a book like that with my name on the cover.
I'm not over confident or having symptoms of schizophrenia but who knows, maybe one day, I will be able to come up with a novel worthy to be printed and send to entertain thousands of people.
Okay, enough of the lucid dreams. Allow me to dig deeper my thoughts about this topic.
The first question is: Why do I want to write?
Yeah, because I want fame and fortune blah-blah-blah. Who would not anyway? But I think those reasons are shallow and lame. No one in their right minds would sit on a chair, grab a pen and fill an blank notebook with words only Zeus knows where to pick up. I think writers are writers because there's a story inside them that's aching to come out. There are scenes inside their heads that wakes them up at three in the morning begging to be given appropriate words. There's a group of people fighting in their minds whispering "Hey dude, I know you want to know me, oh suck the denial, I know you do!." I think maybe writers are writers not because money or pile of books that needs signature or sex or the promise of immortality that compels them to write in the first place but because they really do have something to say and if they don't say it on paper, they'll die.
Yes that goes with me too. I want to write because even if its difficult, even if its a craft that needs commitment, even if its only possible that blood would literally flows from my eyes like tears because hunting for the right words is that hard... writing is who I am and I have found myself because of it. I feel free, admitting this truth to myself as well.
I always know that I'm different. People says that I've changed because I become a loner and isolate myself these past few years but I don't think I do. I just become myself. I just woke up one day and took off all the clothes I'm wearing so I will fit in the society and accepted the dress that I've been ignoring for too long. I slipped it on and saw someone smiling back at me when I looked in the mirror. "Oh! Who would have known you're that gorgeous!"
I guess no one really decides to be a writer. Not even me. I decided to become a nurse and work in a hospital. You decide to be an engineer or a soldier or scavenger but you cannot decide to be a writer. Writing is like being in love. You stop telling yourself that you're not falling for someone, that it takes more than just a pretty face to make your heart beat like crazy and you step out into the light and admits that you're in love. And when you do, you start to see the world from a different point of view and without knowing it; you're already letting yourself live.
For the first time in my twenty two years of life, I can finally say tht I'm alive. Half of me died together with my sister three years ago but I realize that even before that I'm not really living. Writing gives me a sense of purpose that I never thought I will be allowed to have. It's like I'm only starting to take my first breath ever since I was born. I am living at last instead of mere existing.
The follow up question is: What is my goal in writing?
I know the answer by heart. I want to inspire people. Isn't that the goal of everything we do? God has given us talents in hope that we will use it in the best ways. Don't interrupt me by saying that writing is a way to escape oblivion because I believe that no matter what we do, no one can ever escape such fate. It's more like I want to be someone everyone around me didn't dare imagine. I want to prove to those pessimist and yes, even to myself, that we can always rise above ourselves and be someone we always want to be. If we really want it that badly.
The second question will go like: Am I really sure about taking this endeavor?
I know you can relate to me if I say that I'm aware of having only one lifetime to live and if we invest ourselves to something that doesn't have seventy percent success rate...
I am also aware that it's easier to dream of having a mansion, three luxury cars, nine zeros in bank account, handsome and stunning husband and three lovely children added up with the world's most expensive dog out there but, I don't know. Maybe there are these kinds of things that you wanted so much you'll be willing to see yourself risking everything just to see it come true. I don't care if I'm the only one who believes that tomorrow, I will walk inside my favorite bookstore and stop on that beautiful work, I, myself had written. I have arrived to the point where I no longer care if my family or friends will be please and approve what I'm doing and of what I'm going to do. As long as I can see it as vividly as it can be, I don't care if it's lame or pointless in anyone's eyes.
I made this entry during my break before starting the third chapter of my new story. My goal for this month is to come up with 70,000 words and I'm willing to sprinkle salt in my open wound to reach it (suck the metaphor). I'm not saying it's a story worth a million dollar contract now. I'm still working it out and I know there's still a mile to go before I can produce a marketable work. All I know now is that I'm willing to go as far as my dreams can take me. There's no turning back, the only choice left is going ahead.
I pray that this endeavor will be a good one and if I stumble I'll make sure to read this entry and remind myself of the happiness I have in writing. Like I said, I'm not there yet, but I'm closer to it than I was yesterday. I'm not sure if I'm going to win though but I know I'll never lose. As Paulo Coelho said, only those who give up are defeated. If that's the case then, I'll die trying.
