I don't know why but my walk for home from my afternoon shifts is reminding me of him.
He is popping out of my mind as soon as I reach the gate and is dwelling there until I fall asleep. In my mind, I can see him beside me, like how he is during our first date. I can sense our height difference and the way my head fits perfectly when I lean on his shoulder. He was smiling at me with his eyes and lips. Oh how long his lashes are and how envious I am of his eyes that seem to speak a thousand words. I can feel his hand, clutching mine, so afraid to let go, wishing we can do more than holding hands. I remember exactly how ready I am to give him a kiss the night we parted. It was a physical longing on my part. I was longing to share something to someone. But I hold on tight to my morals. We were not at the right place and at the right time after our date. I can smell him. Oh gods, the smell of his perfume. It was one of the most vivid memory I have of him. As if I can see the sweet smell lingering around his body. I don't know. Maybe it was the night sky. Or the view of the street, from afar. Maybe it was the feel of the air but honestly, I don't know what triggers my brain that I am remembering him out of nowhere.
Its been six months. He tried to contact me twice but I blocked it out. I was angry that he lied to me. He clearly dated another girl during the time he promises that we will both figure out how to love each other. Imagine the pain I felt the moment I saw the picture of them, faces inches from each other, as if the world can go against them and they wouldn't care a bit. Imagine the hurt I endured because the first guy I ever let into my small world didn't even tried to explain to me and win me back. He was a liar. And an asshole. I thought I would never write anything about him again and yet,here I am, trying to convince myself that I've done the right thing.
But what if my sudden nightly recollection of him was the result of guilt. What if I am guilty of letting go? What if its me who has the problem? Maybe it was my long standing trust issues that is the root of all this. Maybe I was wrong to block him all out. Maybe if I just responded to him when he messaged me, maybe he would explain. Then what? What comes after he explains himself? I wouldn't know. It is too late for all that now. Time has passed us by. I am sure his feelings slowly fading away now just as mine does.
It is sad how all these things left a mark on me. I was never the same person after I walked away from this bullshit I thought was love. I was more guarded. More critical. I socialize, yes, but I resolve in never letting anyone in again. I remember how I believe love can justify everything. I thought love can fill any holes and longing we have in our life. Why did he lie to me just as when I thought my love for him can fill the holes he have? I thought loyalty will assure him and us. But it didn't work that way. I was naive. I didn't see before that he was too young to love me. I was at the right place and at the right time. But I didn't get the right person. We ended up losing each other. Happy Valentine's day.
