MAY YOU GRIEVE WELL

A friend of mine had just lost his beloved mother from respiratory failure a few days ago. It was sudden. Things happen from his mother laughing and with so much life to a person who lies now inside a wooden box. I went to his mother's wake last night together with some collegueas. He was a dear friend. Someone who helped me while struggling during my early months working. He was always there. He was always, always ready to listen to my childish whims. And it broke my heart to see him suffering just as he is now. It broke my heart to listen to him as he tried to make sense of everything that happened in the last few days. His mother was taken in an instant. "Too young," he said. "There is more years ahead of her... why, why does this happen?" It broke my heart to see myself again through him.

But unlike me who faced the same situation, I can say that he was strong. He may not know it now. Many will encourage him to be strong but they don't know that he's already is. He was the source of strength of his father. He was the one who made decisions since the moment his mother was rushed to the hospital. Its ironic how he remembered not knowing what to do during those critical moments. He was a nurse for almost a decade. He witnessed countless codes and deaths. And yet when his mother was the one lying in that hospital bed, her heart slowly giving up, he remembered not being a nurse at all. He became just as a son. He became like one of all our patients' relatives praying hard that the Almighty may allow them more time. In the face of death, all knowledge and reasons became nothing. And he continued to be strong as he made all the funeral arrangements. He couldn't grieve yet. There is much to do. People are coming. They need someone to see them. They need someone who could tell them what happened. And its not time to compliment him, but I really admired him when he recall to us those final days and hours. He had been so strong during her final moments. He, for all its worth, was able to say goodbye.

I didn't.

I never expected that I will.

I remember myself during my sister's final hours. I was there. But it feels like I wasn't there. I remember wishing I am not there. I believe one will never true pain until one witness a loved one dying right before one's very eyes. There are many pain and agony in this world but nothing will ever compare to losing a beloved from sickness. There is so much hurt in witnessing a body battle against something that's killing it from the inside. I remember as my sister was being brought out from the operating room, lifeless and feels like not my sister at all. I wasn't able to say goodbye. And I will never be able to in this lifetime. I'll never be able to escape from that memory as long as Im alive. Unlike my friend, I had not been strong enough. My mourning continues until now.

"It will get worse," I whispered to him as he ushered us outside. The long days and nights will start after they buried the body and all that's left was an empty side of the bed, unwashed clothes, personal belongings everywhere waiting to be pick up by the one who owns it but the one who do was nowhere. Sleep will be the only thing that will momentarily stop all the pain but you will be afraid of sleeping. It is so painful to because you have to close your eyes. For months to come, the only thing that you will see when you close your eyes and the moment you open them was the sight of your beloved on that hospital bed. Of the days she suffered. Her every face will haunt you. Her voice will echoe in your head. You will always hear her calling your name with so much life. Her voice, which sounds like a sweet laughter from a distance, will keep calling you like an itch in the back. And you will find yourself turning around, expecting to find her there--- sitting on the edge of the bed or standing beside the table like she used to, but she wouldn't. It will be her voice you will treasure most. The sound of laughter, of shouts, of the cries and whispers. You will be afraid of the dark. Not anymore because of the darkness itself but because it brings along severe loneliness. You will be very afraid to be left alone. The void. The emptiness. Its as if you can see it coming for you when you're alone. You will want to go somewhere. Anywhere will be fine as long as there is noise and people.  And you will find yourself aching to be heard. You will want someone to talk to. Someone who knows exactly what you're going through. You don't want just someone who will listen but someone who knows what it's like to be on your shoes. Someone who will tell you that you're not okay. That nothing will be okay again. It is so painful. Everything about you from now on will be aching. There will be a time when you will wish in every moment of your waking hours for someone who can take the pain away because you cannot bear it any longer. But you will never find anyone who could. The only one who can was gone. Birthdays and holidays will never be the same again. They will no longer remind you of how fortunate you are to be given another life but of how close you are in seeing her again. You will lose all fear of your own death because you will realize that the other side will not be an abyss like you believe it before. There will be someone waiting for you there. And you will live with that hope. You will cling on to that hope like air you needed to stay alive. And then one day, you will wake up and find yourself on the other side of that pain. You will learn to live with it as I did. It will never go away but you will learn to live with it. Time will heal nothing. The wound is too deep to form a scar but you have no choice, either you live with it or you take your own life. I was given no choice but to live until now. And there will come a time when you will do too. Not for your sake alone but for her as well. You will decide at one point that you have a duty to live your life as fully and as long as possible because it is the last thing you can do to honor the life she lived once. You will realize one day (it will take years and years from now because you will suffer first but you will someday) that your life is actually an extension of hers.

I believe, with everything that I am now and with all that I will ever be, that one day, I'll find my own peace with what happened to my sister. That maybe my broken family will be whole again. That maybe after a long life, we will find each other again in a place free of sickness, injustice and death. And that is what I want him to know. "It will be worse but you will live through it."

ADULTING AT ITS FINEST

So this is how it feels to be an adult. This is how it is to be at the stage when your parents doubt the way you are living your life and wonders if they have done enough so that you can actually live a life. People around you keep bugging you into getting yourself a partner and starting a family because hell yes your womb has an expiration date. The monthly bills never failing to show at your mailbox. Your friends goes from how are you doing to when are you getting married. Not to tell you that at this age, you should start worrying about your health which means you have to watch carefully what you eat and what you do because you remembered the news from the other week ago about people the same age as you who died from hypertension, diabetes and cancer. But you want to lead a good life. You want to do something worthwhile, inspire people and be a legend but you just couldn't decide yet what you're going to be and despite that you don't want to decide yet what you're going to do because you feel infinite like, man, I've got the whole world ahead of me I'm going to think all of that stuff tomorrow.

It sucks. Everyone you know was 24 years old once but how could they do this to you. They never even gave a damn to tell you things about being an adult. Oh yes, its revenge time. You got to figure things out just as the way they did. And to tell you the truth, I really wish I'm 24years old forever so that I don't have to face all these things. How come my friends knew what they're going to be from now when I myself isn't sure. How come getting married and raising a family had been so easy for them when even admitting I have a crush on a guy seems to be the test of a lifetime for me. We live in the same society. We were taught the same morals that guided our parents. How did I turn to be this different from all of them.

I'm reading more now. Two books in a month become easy as a goal despite my hospital working hours because my reading skill enhances everyday. I will be writing a novel soon and I wouldn't let myself procrastinate this time. I encourage myself by thinking that if I don't write this time, I will never be able to write anything in my life. Ever. I am disciplining myself to finish things I've started and to tell you, it's a good exercise and I feel like I'm on the right path. I celebrated my two years as a nurse last week. One year to go and my three year contract with the hospital I work will be done. I can stay as long as I like or I can resign anytime as I like. Although its very good money, I don't think its the right place for me to stay. I don't want to be bounded by the society where people treats people according to their educational level. I'm tired of being bullied by doctors who think they are entitled to all the respect in the world because they're doctors. I don't want to be spending the next years of my life receiving little to almost no recognition from patients who think that you're just doing what the doctors order you to do and that you need to do everything they want because they're sick and because they're paying you. And I'm exhausted of not making any difference. "You can't do that" "The book doesn't justify your action" "How long have you worked here? I worked here for a hundred years, how dare you question me blah-blah-blah-blah" I remember the times when I defied all these. I refused to yield in bullying. I speak up for myself and my coworkers. I reminded patients and their families that believe it or not 75% of the reason I'm working there is because I am fulfilling my dream of helping others. Helping them alleviate suffering. All of us in that field is there because of that reason. Until I realize how the world works. Until I saw myself outside the circle of a long standing pattern and beliefs. That's when I saw that I wouldn't be able to make a difference where I am now. People are comfortable with how things work. I wouldn't be able to abolish all the bullying but I will never be a part of it. I plan on staying for a year or two more. I need to save so I can give myself a better future. I need to give myself a better future so I can share that future with those who think there is no future at all.  24 years of living and the only thing I am sure of is that kindness go on a long way. I have develop this kind of eye that see people on what they are. I lose interest in how much they earn compared to what I earn. I see people around me as equals and because of it I learned to treat people as equals.

And what else am I planning to do? What else should an adult like me do? I think we should continue, despite everything we've been through and will go through, in making the world a better place.

Did it sucks? Did you remember someone telling you that being an adult also means you have to create a better world?