So this is how it feels to be an adult. This is how it is to be at the stage when your parents doubt the way you are living your life and wonders if they have done enough so that you can actually live a life. People around you keep bugging you into getting yourself a partner and starting a family because hell yes your womb has an expiration date. The monthly bills never failing to show at your mailbox. Your friends goes from how are you doing to when are you getting married. Not to tell you that at this age, you should start worrying about your health which means you have to watch carefully what you eat and what you do because you remembered the news from the other week ago about people the same age as you who died from hypertension, diabetes and cancer. But you want to lead a good life. You want to do something worthwhile, inspire people and be a legend but you just couldn't decide yet what you're going to be and despite that you don't want to decide yet what you're going to do because you feel infinite like, man, I've got the whole world ahead of me I'm going to think all of that stuff tomorrow.
It sucks. Everyone you know was 24 years old once but how could they do this to you. They never even gave a damn to tell you things about being an adult. Oh yes, its revenge time. You got to figure things out just as the way they did. And to tell you the truth, I really wish I'm 24years old forever so that I don't have to face all these things. How come my friends knew what they're going to be from now when I myself isn't sure. How come getting married and raising a family had been so easy for them when even admitting I have a crush on a guy seems to be the test of a lifetime for me. We live in the same society. We were taught the same morals that guided our parents. How did I turn to be this different from all of them.
I'm reading more now. Two books in a month become easy as a goal despite my hospital working hours because my reading skill enhances everyday. I will be writing a novel soon and I wouldn't let myself procrastinate this time. I encourage myself by thinking that if I don't write this time, I will never be able to write anything in my life. Ever. I am disciplining myself to finish things I've started and to tell you, it's a good exercise and I feel like I'm on the right path. I celebrated my two years as a nurse last week. One year to go and my three year contract with the hospital I work will be done. I can stay as long as I like or I can resign anytime as I like. Although its very good money, I don't think its the right place for me to stay. I don't want to be bounded by the society where people treats people according to their educational level. I'm tired of being bullied by doctors who think they are entitled to all the respect in the world because they're doctors. I don't want to be spending the next years of my life receiving little to almost no recognition from patients who think that you're just doing what the doctors order you to do and that you need to do everything they want because they're sick and because they're paying you. And I'm exhausted of not making any difference. "You can't do that" "The book doesn't justify your action" "How long have you worked here? I worked here for a hundred years, how dare you question me blah-blah-blah-blah" I remember the times when I defied all these. I refused to yield in bullying. I speak up for myself and my coworkers. I reminded patients and their families that believe it or not 75% of the reason I'm working there is because I am fulfilling my dream of helping others. Helping them alleviate suffering. All of us in that field is there because of that reason. Until I realize how the world works. Until I saw myself outside the circle of a long standing pattern and beliefs. That's when I saw that I wouldn't be able to make a difference where I am now. People are comfortable with how things work. I wouldn't be able to abolish all the bullying but I will never be a part of it. I plan on staying for a year or two more. I need to save so I can give myself a better future. I need to give myself a better future so I can share that future with those who think there is no future at all. 24 years of living and the only thing I am sure of is that kindness go on a long way. I have develop this kind of eye that see people on what they are. I lose interest in how much they earn compared to what I earn. I see people around me as equals and because of it I learned to treat people as equals.
And what else am I planning to do? What else should an adult like me do? I think we should continue, despite everything we've been through and will go through, in making the world a better place.
Did it sucks? Did you remember someone telling you that being an adult also means you have to create a better world?
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