GAZING GAME

I had my eyes focused on him for quite some time now.

He was tall and lean and handsome.

Then I learned that he's writing too. A hobby that was very close to my heart. I'm reading his works for almost a year now.

People don't interest me that much. I have many trust issues and I don't let just anyone in. For me to notice him, is like me watching quantum mechanics in national geographic channel.

I'm excited, thrilled and terrified.

Excited because it's a new experience for me. Love has the power to make the colors of my world more vivid. I imagine myself nourishing this feeling. I'll add him on facebook, chat with him and make it my goal to know him better. I'll talk with him and listen well. I always listen well since I realized that people loved to talk about themselves. Then I'll feel comfortable and allow him to see the broken pieces of me, hoping that he'll be the balm I need to be whole again. I imagine myself loving him in ways I alone can give. I imagine him returning my feelings. Thrilled because maybe the world will be a better place for me if I fall inlove with him. He will make my heart race just by his smile and intense stare. He will be the world for me and I will make sure to love him everyday. Isn't it what everyone of us wants? We want someone with whom we can give our hearts to, hoping that they'll never return it to us. We all been there, lying in bed, wide awake, wondering when and how that someone will come to our lives. Love is such a complicated thing.

But I am terrified.

Terrified to know that if I allow myself to love him... what then? Will he love me back? Will he accept me? The naked and raw me? Me as the weird? as the dreamer? as the skeptic? Can he embrace the fact that I'm a believer of all things wonderful? That I don't do make-ups and flirt? That parties bored me?  That there are days when I just want to be alone? That I'm different?

I don't know. Maybe he wouldn't. He couldn't.

After all, who would pick a daisy in a field of elegant roses.

I had my eyes on him for quite some time now.

A part of me wishes that he'll return my gaze and he'll know that I'm admiring him. The other part prays that he wouldn't. Because I don't want to let him in.

But who knows? Maybe if it's him, I might discover a hidden courage in me. Then I'll be brave and allow myself to love. Maybe if it's him, I'll be willing to take a risk.

CHOOSE BRAVERY

Have you ever faced a seemingly impossible situation when you thought you couldn't get out of it alive and kicking? I mean, have you ever been in the middle of the storm and you really believe that there's no way out and all you have and all that's left to do is be brave?

I have.

I think we all have.

I think we all have our moments in life when we were shoved in the depths of hell with no choices, no help, nothing... And all we are allowed to do is be brave.

Bravery must be the finest virtue of all. You couldn't be kind if you don't have the courage to show kindness in a world that's teaching us that our own happiness should come first. You couldn't be honest if you don't have the courage to speak the truth, likewise all the other virtues would come out of you if you have the courage to embrace them.

We were born with fear, I guess. Fear isn't something we just learned as we grow up but it's inherent in us. We are creatures who fear something one way or another. But bravery withstand fear. When we choose to be brave, we win against it. We conquer our fears. We conquer ourselves. We conquer that which makes us humans. And we became better than we are before. We became more and more who we really are. It takes courage to show who you are, isn't it?

When there's nothing left, my friends... we could still be brave.

IT DIES WITH TIME

A month ago, I was just anticipating a family friend's wedding. I've never attended a wedding before and this event really excites me because me and my sister will be on the entourage.  Everything happened fast.  I've gone from anticipating to preparing,  to being right there to witness two hearts getting weave as one.

The whole day was magical.  Relatives from my mother's hometown came.  I wore that elegant apple green cocktail dress.  The pictures were taken.  The couple exchanged their vows like those romantic ones I thought I will only watched in movies.  I love the place.  The calm breeze brushing on my cheeks and the peacefulness of the woods from afar.  My... if only I could freeze time and live in that moment forever.

And then the night came. Along with it, is the end of the event. The couple was now husband and wife. People who attended went back home. Tomorrow, everything will resume. I have to go back work my ass and try to live my life. Again.

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As each day passed, I am slowly realizing how time changes things--- as in really changes things. I'm old enough to contemplate my own mortality and I know this sounds too weird but... I know and I feel that I amstartkng to die little by little each day. There are things I now couldn't do the way I do them when I was sixteen. I feel tired more often. And my first times are now being used up. There are more white hair in my parents' head than they  have before. Little kids from the neighborhood began going to school. My highschool friends are now either getting married or having a baby and I'm starting to drift away from home. The way adults are supposed to when they become adults. Things are changing. I am becoming how I imagine I will become back to the days when all my worries just consists of how will my crush notice me. I feel old. Things around me starts to age and I'm starting to age. Patients are dying. The time is passing. The hands of the clock ticking.

It hurts. Maybe because I'm noticing things. Maybe because I'm aware that time goes by. Because I know that time is cruel and that it wouldn't wait for anyone and because I know that I wouldn't be able to hold a single thing forever. Not even the ones I love. Nor the things I created. When I think about it, I see that there's really nothing in this world that I could hold to... everything will either get destroyed or forgotten. Everything... at the end of it all, will be eaten up by oblivion.

I wonder if it will be different if I will be able to live forever. What life does immortality offers? How would it be if my body will never grow old and my heart wouldn't stop beating?

Alot of screenwriters tend to convey that there's no meaning in forever. That because we're humans, and that we're doomed, everything becomes beautiful. That the gods envy us because we're not in their position to endure eternity. We appreciate the people we love because we're aware that time changes things, even feelings. We know how to treasure moments because as mortals, we know that each seconds is a gift we could never get back once it passed by. We have meaning because we know we'll eventually die.

But what meaning is there in having everything you have taken away from you. What is there in risking your heart to love someone when you know you couldn't have that person from here beyond? Why should we live in the present when all that we are is everything thay happened to us in the past?

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us..." (Lord of the Ring)

Yeah. Seasons die afer another.