GAZING GAME

I had my eyes focused on him for quite some time now.

He was tall and lean and handsome.

Then I learned that he's writing too. A hobby that was very close to my heart. I'm reading his works for almost a year now.

People don't interest me that much. I have many trust issues and I don't let just anyone in. For me to notice him, is like me watching quantum mechanics in national geographic channel.

I'm excited, thrilled and terrified.

Excited because it's a new experience for me. Love has the power to make the colors of my world more vivid. I imagine myself nourishing this feeling. I'll add him on facebook, chat with him and make it my goal to know him better. I'll talk with him and listen well. I always listen well since I realized that people loved to talk about themselves. Then I'll feel comfortable and allow him to see the broken pieces of me, hoping that he'll be the balm I need to be whole again. I imagine myself loving him in ways I alone can give. I imagine him returning my feelings. Thrilled because maybe the world will be a better place for me if I fall inlove with him. He will make my heart race just by his smile and intense stare. He will be the world for me and I will make sure to love him everyday. Isn't it what everyone of us wants? We want someone with whom we can give our hearts to, hoping that they'll never return it to us. We all been there, lying in bed, wide awake, wondering when and how that someone will come to our lives. Love is such a complicated thing.

But I am terrified.

Terrified to know that if I allow myself to love him... what then? Will he love me back? Will he accept me? The naked and raw me? Me as the weird? as the dreamer? as the skeptic? Can he embrace the fact that I'm a believer of all things wonderful? That I don't do make-ups and flirt? That parties bored me?  That there are days when I just want to be alone? That I'm different?

I don't know. Maybe he wouldn't. He couldn't.

After all, who would pick a daisy in a field of elegant roses.

I had my eyes on him for quite some time now.

A part of me wishes that he'll return my gaze and he'll know that I'm admiring him. The other part prays that he wouldn't. Because I don't want to let him in.

But who knows? Maybe if it's him, I might discover a hidden courage in me. Then I'll be brave and allow myself to love. Maybe if it's him, I'll be willing to take a risk.