THE SILENCE

The most memorable Dan Brown's quote for me came from his Digital Fortress; "They say that all things became clear in the face of death," and ironically in my profession, I have witness quite many deaths this past days than I ever had while watching the evening news.

I have been there, face to face with a person whose heart beats for the last time. It was like they've gone from being someone to... I'm not sure. It's as if they become someone else when they die. This reminds me of my sister back to the moment the operating nurses brought her out, wrapped in a green blanket from head to toe. I remember tearing a part of it away, because... I'm not sure why either. All I know during that moment is if her face is wrapped with a blanket, how the hell will she breathe through that. And I saw her face. With bloody nose, eyelids close for forever, pupils that won't dilate... (Ughh. This is hard for me to write down, you know) Then, I remember the distant feeling I have while looking down on "that" lifeless body. I remember asking myself who the hell is that because it couldn't possibly be my sister. My sister was warm, alive, cunning and laughing days ago but "that" thing, "THAT" THING, doesn't have its chest rise up and down. It's like she became someone else. Someone who looks like my sister but isn't really my sister.

I wonder what are the things that became clear in the face of death? Who are we when we die? What become of us?

Will we still be able to be who we know ourselves to be on the other side? Who we become in there? I wonder now.

But no one knows.

I don't even know.

What happens when we die is one of life's greatest mystery. We are not allowed to have a glimpse of it. The dead stay silent... and all we could do is wait.

TWENTY THREE

"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die."
-Juliette Lewis

I turned twenty three years old today.

While everyone around my age were having the best times of their life, here I am, alone in my room, contemplating the things that makes me who I am at this moment.

And what did I become after all these years?

Well, let's start by sayng that I become a registered professional, working in one of the most recognized institution in the Philippines. People say that I'm the lucky one. After all, not everyone on my age gets to earn as much as I do.  I'm getting to blend in the society. I guess, people are starting to recognized my existence. I've got to make new friends... those of benefits and those who can only smile at me. I'm not boasting or anything because I don't think this is something I could boast... actually, this is something my parents could boast. They worked hard to make a person out of me. It's their sacrifices that makes me what they want their child to be.

But as being me... who wants to have their life planned out for them?

I know what I can boast.

I'm already twenty three and the previous year had been my year. I found myself and decided to live in it. I wrote and wrote and I find my own infinity. I want to become a writer and all of me shouts of it. Writing and creating worlds and characters makes me alive and breathing. That was the "me" I am searching all my life. And I knew that I was born for it.

I've been through a lot. There are times when I would ask myself if I can keep standing through the storms. But at the end of the day, the storms always calm down, leaving me fiercer and firmer on my ground. I quit the game of making people like me. Somehow, what they say about me doesn't bother me anymore. I've learned to own myself.

Like what I'm always saying, I don't know what tomorrow brings me. But I do know that I will always be that girl from a long time ago. I will always believe in magic. I will always believe that despite everything, the world isn't really an awful place. I've learned to accept that I will grow old, but I don't have to grow up.

I guess it's a happy birthday to me then :)