THE ENVIOUS DENIAL

I might deny it some other time but for once, I feel like admitting it.

Yes. I envy people.

I envy my friends for having friends that last. Mine doesn't. Its either we lost touch or have grown apart. Who wouldn't want someone they could count as years go by? While they keep realizing how lucky they are to have one another, I am here, decided that I couldn't trust anyone. I want to, but I've received far many reasons that proves there is no one left to rely on but myself.

I envy the complete family picture my friends in social media post every now and then. Those smiles. Those small difference everyone notices as years been added in each frame. The frozen photo of laughters and embraces. How happy it might be if I have a selfie of my family just like the one my childhood friend has... Special occasions every year only reminds of what I lost before. Never will my family be complete again. Not in this lifetime. I wish there will be social medias and cameras in afterlife too. Maybe there, I wouldn't have to envy anyone again.

While I spent my days in fulfilling my lifelong dream of being a writer, my friends are either getting married or having their first born child. I envy them for finding their partners. I envy them for experiencing love in that kind of way. I doubt someone on their right mind will ever like someone like me.I knew it. I knew I'll end up alone. Maybe I'll start saving so I can afford a good nursing home when I grow old.

I know that the world isn't fair. How can others have all while here I am, never getting any. I wish that the world will show me a little kindness out of all that I have given out for it. But I'm reminded that "the world isn't a wish granting factory" (John Green) Maybe the fairness it knows is how it gives more to some and denies even the little to others. I just happened to be in the denied part.