I must have known it before I approached you.
I should have known who you are from the very moment I looked into your eyes and I should have warned myself.
But I didn't.
I was, in the first place, never believe that I am capable of such attitude.
They always say that nursing is about compassion. That not everyone can possess it and not everyone are called to be a nurse. But compassion can't be taught in any nursing school, nor can it be acquired overnight. It is a virtue that grows from seeing people suffer. From realizing that we are mortals and we are somehow limited by our flesh. It's like a seed that takes nourishment in placing one's feet in another shoe. When you see people suffer and you feel that tingling sensation in your heart, when you look them into the eyes and see through their souls and hear them ask for help---you knew deep inside that you become compassionate.
That's what I have when I approached and greet you. That's what I have when I introduced myself to you.
Earlier this afternoon, I asked you of your maintenance medications. If you have brought some from home your hospital charges can be lessen. Nursing is holistic; if I will care about your physique, I will also care for your finances. Maybe there's something wrong about my inquiries that you told me you are only a patient and I supposed to take care of where on earth I will get your medication. I said yes, I then have to provide you what you need from our pharmacy. I let you be for an hour and came back with an intravenous needs and fluid. I explained in soft voice that I will carry out a doctor's order of having you hydrated. I asked again for your cooperation, of what your dominant hand is so I will be able to provide you as much comfort as such procedure allowed by havinv the access line on your opposite hand. There must have been a word from me again that you didn't like because you called me incompetent of not knowing which hand is the best to use. I said yes, then we'll have to settle for your left hand. I began explaining to you what to expect, as I do the procedure. I told you there will be a small pain when the needle punctured the site and that you need to breath and relax and never hold back your arm. As I began, I soothe you with words like "okay po, itutusok ka na, hinga lang po malalim" (okay then, I'll pierce the skin now, just take a deep breath). But the moment I pierced through your vein you took away your arm and said in a voice that can be heard well by the patient across you "gaga ka ba, ang sakit ah" (damn you, it hurts). I have to admit that you took me off guard. Never in my life did someone spoke to me that way along with accusing, hateful eyes. Never have I known such hostility. I began to ask myself mentally where the steps in "Starting Intravenous Fluid" did I go wrong. I am not in a hurry. You know I have not approached you in short breaths and with glancing wristwatch attitude. Before I can answer you, you told me again that I am incompetent and that I've hurt you. You added it by informing me that you are a professor and you gain masteral in a field I missed to hear what and that I've hurt you and that I'm incompetent. "Putangina nurse naman to, tanga" I should be damn because the other patients heared you clear that they started to look at me like I am someone who is really incompetent and uncompassionate. I have to tell you I might never forget that last 3 minutes I am there, standing beside your hospital bed, not even considering of depending myself because after all, you are the patient. You have an illness. I am the nurse. I am the healthy one. I shut my mouth and look at you helplessly, asking how did I end up like I deserve such cruel, cruel words. In the end, all I said was that I'll make sure the resident doctor on duty will be the one to start the intravenous fluid. I apologized. Thank the heavens I at least remember to apologized.
But for what? What does my apology stand for? I really want to know the reason why you humiliated me that way. And if you would maybe you could spare me the feeling of having spit out hurtful words to a stranger like me. I wonder if you felt good, believing that I am a creature below you. That because you have gained power in your profession it has somehow given you the right to make people feel as if they are worthless beings. How many of us did you ever treat this way?
I don't know you personally and you don't know me too. But is it enough reason to hurl hurtful words? That because our paths will never crossed again once you've been discharge you at least have to show me how powerful you think you are?
I always believed that the world is still a wonderful place despite the likes of you. That there are still good people out there. But you made me doubt it now. Maybe the world I live in are full of you--- snakes, wearing human skin.
And yes. Despite everything you did to me, I think you do managed to show me a lesson. You have taught me that the likes of you makes this world filthy and that is why we're here. We are here, the ones who stays gentle in the midst of cruelty, to make this world still a better place. We are here to show the likes of you that no matter how high you think of yourself, with that attitude of yours, you are still and always will be beneath us. You taught me to stay kind. That kindness is power. That kindness will always triumph.
I am writing this to you, even though I know you wouldn't read it, so that you'll somehow feel forgiven. Yes, you hurt me deeply and I forgiven you. You wouldn't know you hurt me in the first place but I am, forgiving you. And I have forgiven myself, maybe for allowing you to hurt me. For writing this. For telling the world that they can hurt me and yet I will still be kind, gentle and forgiving.
I do hope you will have a good life ahead, bastard.
AJ, 2016
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