THE MAYBE TIMES

There are times when I really wish I wasn't born. I feel sad a lot. I think a lot. I dream a lot. There are times when I wish that I was born different. Maybe if I was born in a different place, in different parents, in different circumstances... maybe I was a bit happier. Maybe I wasn't who I am now. Maybe I never need to write down things like this. Maybe I don't need to look at other people and ask myself why am I not like them. Why am I not always happy like them? Why does it hurt to live? Why do I feel how I feel? Maybe if I was a different person in a different place, maybe it wouldn't hurt like this.

But I wasn't.

I was born the way I was born and I grew up to be who I am now. I've gone through many hell of a shit and I live through them all and here I am now. I am still breathing. It is I who remains despite all the spit the world has thrown on me.




Silas walked across the path without disturbing a fallen leaf, and sat down on the bench beside Bod. "There are those," he said, in his silken voice, "who believe that all land is sacred. That it is sacred before we come to it, and sacred after. But here, in your land, they blessed the churches and the ground they set aside to bury people in, to make it holy. But they left land unconsecrated beside the sacred ground, Potter's Fields to bury he criminals and the suicides or those who were not of the faith."

"So the people buried in the ground on the other side of the fence are bad people?"

Silas raised one perfect eyebrow. "Mm? Oh, not at all. Let's see, it's been a while since I've been down that way. But I don't remember anyone particularly evil. Remember, in days gone by you could be hanged for stealing a shilling. And there are always people who find their lives have become so unsupportable they believe the best thing they could do would be to hasten their transition to another plane of existence."

"They kill themselves, you mean?" said Bod. He was about eight years old, wide-eyed and inquisitive, and he was not stupid.

"Indeed."

"Does it work? Are they happier dead?"

"Sometimes. Mostly, no. It's like the people who believe they'll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn't work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. If you see what I mean."

(The Graveyard's Book, Neil Gaiman)




And I realized I have no choice. I was born, nonetheless. I am existing here. I am alive. And all I could do was to decide what Im gonna do with the life and time I've been given. I have to decide and make choices I will regret the least.

It's okay to break down at times, right?