DEPRESSION

The thing about me this past few weeks is that I feel lonely and sad almost all the time. Its not loneliness that roots from lack of belongingness or because I have few friends whatsoever but it's the type of loneliness in which I feel like I am missing my old life.

Its odd. I am at the time of life. I live in the city. I can do whatever I want to do. Date who I want to date. Be someone like those girls from late night drama series. I am never going to be this young again. But I feel empty. All I know is that I am away from my family and friends and you might say that I am just homesick and yes, maybe I am one hell of a homesick because I miss the life I have before I became what I am now. I miss the simplicity I have before. I miss my family. I miss my dog--Morphine and Doug. The sound of their barks. I miss my afternoon naps and late night conversation with my journals and books. I miss the silence of our home. The comfort of our living room. The softness of my own bed. The sound of wind against the gutter of our roof. I miss the shrieking voices of children playing outside. I miss my mother and her gunshot nagging. I miss my father and my sisters. And most of all, I miss myself. I miss the "me" who felt like she can conquer the world with her words. The "me" who have so much to live and die for. The "me" who even without money, can shout to the world that she is happy. We grew up too fast, won't you say? At twenty four,  I feel like I've already live a lifetime that was never mine. I couldn't think of something worth living now. It feels like there is nothing more for me out there. That the world may go on without me and still it will always be the same. I feel tired. And sad. I feel terribly sad of living like this. I feel different. Horribly different. While my friends are getting married and having kids, there is me here. Stuck in an endless cycle of asking why. Why is it so hard to be like everyone else? Why do I have to be me? Why is it sad? Why?

After all these years of trying so hard, I realize that I am still the girl from ten years ago. I still want the things I want from back then. Not a stable job. Nor large bank savings money. But life. I want a simple life. A life when I can watch the sun rise and set. Smell the breeze and feel the wind. Do bonfires, roast meat and talk to native people. I want to hear stories. Not the ones full of self proclamation but real stories of life, tragedy and love. I want to read my books and drink hot sweet cocoa my grandmother used to made for me when I was a little girl. I want to write and spend the day writing. I want to lie under the sky and count the stars. I want to live. I want to feel. But I am too far from all this. No matter what I do now it wouldn't up to this.

Sweet heavens, I feel like I don't deserve this life.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

Maybe maturity is when you realize that it doesn't have to be new year for you to change but I still think that listing down your new year's resolution is a good start, a sign that you decide that you'll change--- for the better. I believe it's important to write down things. We are creatures quick to forget and we need to be reminded from time to time. Sometimes, from ourselves.

Here's my new year's resolution for 2017.

I promise to take care of myself more. I was my laziest during 2016. I ate a lot fastfoods, junkfoods and drank cups and cups of coffee and soda. I slept without washing my face and brushing my teeth. I don't workout. I was a fool to believe that my body can take so much junks and still remain healthy. Thus I suffer from constant stomach ache and facial acne. I promise to start a healthy lifestyle. I'll cut off coffee from my daily routine. I'll eat fruits again. And I'll exercise.

I promise to protect myself from toxic people. 2016 introduced me to people that I thought would be good for me. I failed to listen to that soft voice warning me that people who talk behind your back are toxic. I allowed some of them to ruin me. It won't happen again. Not because they share the same hobby, workplace or name with you means they understand you.  These people suck out life energy. They drag others to the same mud they were. I won't have this in«» my life again.

I promise to love and take care of my family more. Family is important. They share the same blood, the same name and the same burden. It's funny how my relatives doesn't even know me really but I know I'll always have them to back me up. No matter what it is. My family will always be there, as I will be to them.

I promise to invest in memories and dreams. I will enjoy moments more, knowing that I wouldn't be as young as I am now. I'm starting to die and I don't have any plans of staying on the same ground for long. I will study again this year. I will write my book. I will read more books and watch more movies. I will still go to conventions and experience my fandoms. I would love to meet more of the celebrities I enjoy watching. I will compliment others more and I promise to talk less shits. I want others to know me again as someone who talks only when  necessary--- that I've lost because I've said too many bullshits to worthless people. But I will write more. I will write everything I want to remember.

I promise to lessen proscratination. That, I will figure how.

I will love myself more so I can love others more.

I will go back praying and worshipping God. He's unchanging. I know He'll help me make things work out again for us.

I will do all this and write about how I conquer myself at the end of 2017. That is how we grow anyway, right? By conquering ourselves. By pushing through what we think is our limit. That is how we grow and become who we really are. I like to know who am I really.