DEPRESSION

The thing about me this past few weeks is that I feel lonely and sad almost all the time. Its not loneliness that roots from lack of belongingness or because I have few friends whatsoever but it's the type of loneliness in which I feel like I am missing my old life.

Its odd. I am at the time of life. I live in the city. I can do whatever I want to do. Date who I want to date. Be someone like those girls from late night drama series. I am never going to be this young again. But I feel empty. All I know is that I am away from my family and friends and you might say that I am just homesick and yes, maybe I am one hell of a homesick because I miss the life I have before I became what I am now. I miss the simplicity I have before. I miss my family. I miss my dog--Morphine and Doug. The sound of their barks. I miss my afternoon naps and late night conversation with my journals and books. I miss the silence of our home. The comfort of our living room. The softness of my own bed. The sound of wind against the gutter of our roof. I miss the shrieking voices of children playing outside. I miss my mother and her gunshot nagging. I miss my father and my sisters. And most of all, I miss myself. I miss the "me" who felt like she can conquer the world with her words. The "me" who have so much to live and die for. The "me" who even without money, can shout to the world that she is happy. We grew up too fast, won't you say? At twenty four,  I feel like I've already live a lifetime that was never mine. I couldn't think of something worth living now. It feels like there is nothing more for me out there. That the world may go on without me and still it will always be the same. I feel tired. And sad. I feel terribly sad of living like this. I feel different. Horribly different. While my friends are getting married and having kids, there is me here. Stuck in an endless cycle of asking why. Why is it so hard to be like everyone else? Why do I have to be me? Why is it sad? Why?

After all these years of trying so hard, I realize that I am still the girl from ten years ago. I still want the things I want from back then. Not a stable job. Nor large bank savings money. But life. I want a simple life. A life when I can watch the sun rise and set. Smell the breeze and feel the wind. Do bonfires, roast meat and talk to native people. I want to hear stories. Not the ones full of self proclamation but real stories of life, tragedy and love. I want to read my books and drink hot sweet cocoa my grandmother used to made for me when I was a little girl. I want to write and spend the day writing. I want to lie under the sky and count the stars. I want to live. I want to feel. But I am too far from all this. No matter what I do now it wouldn't up to this.

Sweet heavens, I feel like I don't deserve this life.