I had this nightmare bothering me for three days now, making me not wanting to get some sleep. It's about a news I've watched on a local channel probably a year ago. The content was mainly police brutality. I remember being bothered by it for one week. Its so brutal I never imagine that a person can really have such capacity to hurt others with his bare hands. Then yesterday, I had this professor in a review center told us the story of one of his patient's experiences being a three-timed raped victim and how she decide one day that she's not capable of living anymore thus, end up taking her own life. He even advises us that we should always be vigilant because the world is full of evil creature no one got an immunity for.
Growing up and exploring different places other than my hometown, I am gradually becoming aware of how such dreadful place the world really is. Well, I remember viewing this world as a safe place to live, paradise perhaps with people that were good and if they're not, they always try to be one. Somehow, through the ever growing media and internet, I've been exposed to the world's unfairness and cruelty by witnessing evil in different forms making me want to hate everything. Still, there were moments of absolute insanity when I keep finding myself wanting to believe that maybe people are not that evil at all.
We all have our own demons, aren't we? Some we can control. Hide inside. Deny. Even cherish. But few we allow to have a control over us. We do that, for the sake of believing that those demons knows what best for us to survive. That's what people around me learned: in order to survive you should be the smartest and the strongest. After all, the top of the pyramid was crowded now, there's no space for weaklings. Those demons we cherish are sometimes beneficial. Writers, painters, musician and novelist are aware they have them under control ergo, giving us pieces of literature that is able to transcend time. Others, those who we let go wild gives mankind nothing but pure suffering. I wonder what causes them to do evil things, to be cruel, heartless and at the same time believe that its necessary.
It came up to me this night my own answers of why good people end up becoming evil. Maybe something happens to them that causes them to break. Some heartache forces them to rely on their demons to have them fixed. Maybe they don't want to do things like that but something inside of them had became so hard and their cruelty wins over mercy.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
BESTFRIENDS
Friends. Everyone has friends. Even me.
When I was in highschool, I have this two girls with me. We eat together, share things and secrets with each other and spend a lot of time in each others' company. We were bestfriends. When we graduated I remind them that we must always find time to catch up since we were about to take up different courses. We manage finding time, but as years goes by, things change. We rarely see each other and when we do plan to, several things would keep us from going. Studies. Works. Family matters.
I manage to again meet two girls during my college years. I loved them. They were my confidante. We spent almost ten hours a day for six days a week in school and hospital duties-- studying, making thesis together, sharing stories that doesn't seem to end and being with each other at times of great adversities (e.g make-up duty, failed thesis proposal). When we graduated, things change.
I, for the third time, manage again to be together with another two girls. They were my classmates in college and because we attend the same review center, we became close. But I began to notice somehow that things are going to be like a pathophysiologic diagram. Like the friends I had in highschool and college, they soon change. In the end, Im left behind. They had became bestfriends forever and Im left by myself. The problem is this-- why is that Im left alone while they still manage to be together through time? Why am I the one to get labeled as the one who forgot when I used to send text messages of "hi. i miss you" every week? Maybe its because I was the outcast. When an activity required a pair, Im the one whose got to find someone else. My place is far from them, so they've got the chance to spend more time with each other without me. Maybe, I talk to much about the books I've read and not accessories, boys, clothes and bag. They all say I've been thinking too much. It can also be that they want me to have so much emotions as to shout when i get excited or cry in front of them when Im hurt-- which I do best when im alone. Maybe Im not the bestfriend type.
Its sad, really, not having anyone to stay with me as years of my mortal life goes by. I do think Im a good friend, as they said. I do remember special days: Valentine's, birthdays, Christmas (although im someone who needs to be reminded of my birthday tomorrow). I have ears ready to listen and shoulders to cry on. I know exactly when to shut up. When to say words of flattery, critism and encouragement as situations arise. Despite the deadlines of paperworks, I always make sure I had time to do memories. I never demand anything. I don't really understand why in the end, Im always left alone.
I am different. I know that.
As Im looking outside of our house today, Im apt to think that someday I may be able form a relationship, one that would not be bounded by differences and time. But suddenly, Im reminded that things do end. My hope diminished as all the heartache I've endure trying to be like someone else, someone that would fit, surfaces. And I know more that for the third time around, I learned my lessons now.
When I was in highschool, I have this two girls with me. We eat together, share things and secrets with each other and spend a lot of time in each others' company. We were bestfriends. When we graduated I remind them that we must always find time to catch up since we were about to take up different courses. We manage finding time, but as years goes by, things change. We rarely see each other and when we do plan to, several things would keep us from going. Studies. Works. Family matters.
I manage to again meet two girls during my college years. I loved them. They were my confidante. We spent almost ten hours a day for six days a week in school and hospital duties-- studying, making thesis together, sharing stories that doesn't seem to end and being with each other at times of great adversities (e.g make-up duty, failed thesis proposal). When we graduated, things change.
I, for the third time, manage again to be together with another two girls. They were my classmates in college and because we attend the same review center, we became close. But I began to notice somehow that things are going to be like a pathophysiologic diagram. Like the friends I had in highschool and college, they soon change. In the end, Im left behind. They had became bestfriends forever and Im left by myself. The problem is this-- why is that Im left alone while they still manage to be together through time? Why am I the one to get labeled as the one who forgot when I used to send text messages of "hi. i miss you" every week? Maybe its because I was the outcast. When an activity required a pair, Im the one whose got to find someone else. My place is far from them, so they've got the chance to spend more time with each other without me. Maybe, I talk to much about the books I've read and not accessories, boys, clothes and bag. They all say I've been thinking too much. It can also be that they want me to have so much emotions as to shout when i get excited or cry in front of them when Im hurt-- which I do best when im alone. Maybe Im not the bestfriend type.
Its sad, really, not having anyone to stay with me as years of my mortal life goes by. I do think Im a good friend, as they said. I do remember special days: Valentine's, birthdays, Christmas (although im someone who needs to be reminded of my birthday tomorrow). I have ears ready to listen and shoulders to cry on. I know exactly when to shut up. When to say words of flattery, critism and encouragement as situations arise. Despite the deadlines of paperworks, I always make sure I had time to do memories. I never demand anything. I don't really understand why in the end, Im always left alone.
I am different. I know that.
As Im looking outside of our house today, Im apt to think that someday I may be able form a relationship, one that would not be bounded by differences and time. But suddenly, Im reminded that things do end. My hope diminished as all the heartache I've endure trying to be like someone else, someone that would fit, surfaces. And I know more that for the third time around, I learned my lessons now.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
INTRODUCTION
WARNING: This interview can drive you crazy. If you're still on your right mind just close this site, turn off you laptop and sleep!
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Me: Can you tell me the basics?
Myself: Sure, I am Allyssa Joy Gaspar from Dasmarinas City, Cavite Philippines.
Me: That's it? How about your age?
Myself: Well, basically Im 20 years old. But I feel like Im already on my forty's. How was that?
Me: Ugghh, really? so, can you tell us the reason why you need to create this blo..
Myself: Excuse me?
Me: *clears throat* I mean. The world is full of nonsens..
Myself: What?
Me: Okay, to simplify everything for you, what's the reason behind writing a blog?
Myself: Hmm, I don't know either. Maybe I'm just bored.
Me: Bored? haha.. is that a joke?
Myself: Did I even sounds like a joke?
Me: Anyway, nobody ever told me you're annoying. So before things heated up, let me ask you some few things. They say you're shytype. How true is that?
Myself: Where did you get that?
Me: Are you the interviewer or am I?
Myself: *raises left eyebrow, rolls eyes and sigh* I am not. Not because I don't talk too much means Im shy. I just speak whenever I have some good things to say.
Me: So its true you hate small talks?
Myself: Something like that.
Me: Oh, are you saying you don't like to be around people?
Myself: Absolutely no. Its just that I always find it exhausting to fit in.
Me: Now its confirmed! You're introverted.
Myself: Exactly.
Me: How was it like?
Myself: Difficult.
Me: Im sorry to hear that. Is it true you introverts are weird?
Myself: What? weird? is that what they labeled us? Uggh. Maybe yes. I sometimes feels weird myself. But for your information, we introverts are individualist. We don't follow the crowd.
Me: Hmm. Okay. So, have you even tried fixing yourself?
Myself: For heaven's sake, yes, I tried. But I find it really hard to be just like anyone. It's just when Im 18 I realize that maybe, I should accept myself so people around me can accept me. But I also stop getting people to understand me. I don't give a damn thing now.
Me: *sigh* that's awesome.
Myself: What?
Me: Well, this was the end of my interview but we just want you to know that we're looking forward on your progress in making this world a better place to live for your kind, the introverts I mean.
Myself: What we're you saying? I told you Im just bored.
Me: Oww, I thought this blog is for people of your type to know they're not alone.
Myself: Uggh, do anyone know you're dumb.
Me: *opens mouth to speak but interrupted*
Myself: Nonsense.
Myself stands and walks out the door. Is there even a door?
Me: *gives a fake smile and a long sigh*
---
end of transmission.
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