I had spend my day today in extreme nostalgia. I miss her terribly. She was, in so many ways a bestfriend I could never have again. It was ironic though, for I realized that sometimes those happiest moments were also the saddest. I always try to subdue the memories of those dark days. Those days when we become helpless in the face of the situation, of each others and of time. I don't want to remember what happened because remembering comes with the feelings the time cannot heal. But today was different. My brain doesn't try to make me remember those dark days, instead it tries to bring me back to those good old days.
The good old days. How I wish I can turn back time and be able to live there again. I remember not having anything materialistic that time (we don't yet have anything) No facebook account, no smartphones, no expensive books and no status in the society. Just the three of us. Just getting to know that outside of our home, there is the world. I remember contentment in getting the highest score in scrabble and watching the latest episode of our favorite anime. I remember blackout nights when we were there, lying in bed, playing with our own shadows and talking about things we've learned in school. I remember how we always divide a burger so that the three of us could have a taste because our parents taught us that sharing is the key to a strong family ties. I, who cannot remember the name of my grade one school teacher, remember everything.
How cruel fate can be?
Just as when we're beginning to know who we are and what on earth are we here for....
Just as when we're appreciating every moment and every smile....
Just as when we're actually living and not just existing....
I miss her. Some may not understand what the word "miss" for me is but I know some knows. Its like Hazel Grace missing Augustus Waters. "..I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." (The Fault in Our Stars, John Green, pg. 260). I miss her and I will miss her as long as Im breathing. I miss talking to her. I miss those days when I can just discuss to her about anything my attention goes to. I miss her voice, her laughs, her scream. The way she talks and says goodnight. I still remember how she begin to pray before mealtime, how she stops and how she says amen. I miss her way of saying "ate!" to me. I miss everything about her and it breaks my heart to remember these things because I know that I should move on, be force to live my life without her by my side. But how can I move on? how can I do that? where the heck of my pathetic existence will I get the courage and start?
I told you. I had an extreme sense of nostalgia. I spend minutes writing this with tight throat and blurry eyes.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
LOVE MONTH
Its February. February has a 14th day. I think every people living right now on earth does know what's in with February 14. *smiles* Its Valentines day and every one around me are so excited (well, as usual, except me).
I never celebrates February 14th. Never wanted to. Not that I don't get any dinner invitation from guys (I do, actually) but because I feel awkward being alone with someone who thinks of me in a certain way (you know what I mean). Let me give you an insight.
I remember going on a lunch date one time. I had been with this guy whom I met because of my friends. I had agreed on that because I want to experience going with someone and because I find him physically attractive too. I remember browsing the internet two days before that just to educate myself on how to dress, act and speak on a date. On the very day of that lunch date, I prepared myself having in mind that date is getting to know the person more and one advice necessary is that you have to "just be yourself". Uugghh! How I've done everything I've learned but end up in a total mess. I try talking and being myself like:
Guy: So, aside from studying what else are you doing this days?
Me: Hmm. Im into reading Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code lately. Its good. I can lend you that sometime. Do you read?
Guy: No. I don't even read my school books. Whenever I try, I end up having a headache, but thanks.
Me: Ah. Okay. Hmm. Aside from reading, Im into astronomy. Im fascinated about the cassiopeai. How many constellation do you know?
Guy: I don't know any. By the way, have you already watch Saw 7? they say its the ending of Saw movies.
Me: I don't watch cannibalistic movies. Im sorry.
Guy: Its not cannibal. How about The Walking Dead?
Me: The last time I've watched zombie movie, I have not eaten any kinds of meat for a week.
Guy: Its not that disgusting. It has a good story. Its about..... you have to watch it for you to get it.
Me: Ahh.
(silence)
And that goes like that. Im being myself but its clear that were not compatible. He is good looking but I need more than that of course.
That's when I promise to myself not to go on a date again. Until now, I never accepted any lunch or dinner dates from any of my boy friends who wants to try the next level of friendship with me. Exception would be Joseph Morgan, Logan Lerman and Augustus Waters.
I do not have any intention of marrying someone. Not because Im a man hater, something like that, but because I do not see myself being with a guy that doesn't share the same weirdness that I have. I do not believe in opposites attract each other thing. It just couldn't be for a girl with an old soul like me.
The male species. I hate certain things about them based on my experiences with some. I hate being stare like Im some kind of girl waiting to have someone who will take me in bed. I hate it when they want to carry my bag or treat me to some meal and expect me to return the favor. Im not a sexist. Im very independent and I do not like them making me feel uncapable in small things such as carrying my own bag. I hate it when they try to hold your hand or hug you without asking first if its okay.
But, I believe in love. I believe that one day I'll be able to meet my Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen). I believe that someone out there is destine to fill and continue my thoughts about what if e is not really equals to mc squared. *giggles* I believe that he can shatter my sanity and yet keep it because he finds it amazing. He will know that I am not my past but my dreams and I will share to him the dreams I want to fulfill and leave behind. I believe that there's someone out there who finds the cruelty and unfairness of the world and yet believe that it is still a beautiful place to spend a lifetime. I believe in love. I believe that it has no boundaries, no time and no reasons. When that happens, when I finally have him, I'll then show you, fairy tales are real.
I never celebrates February 14th. Never wanted to. Not that I don't get any dinner invitation from guys (I do, actually) but because I feel awkward being alone with someone who thinks of me in a certain way (you know what I mean). Let me give you an insight.
I remember going on a lunch date one time. I had been with this guy whom I met because of my friends. I had agreed on that because I want to experience going with someone and because I find him physically attractive too. I remember browsing the internet two days before that just to educate myself on how to dress, act and speak on a date. On the very day of that lunch date, I prepared myself having in mind that date is getting to know the person more and one advice necessary is that you have to "just be yourself". Uugghh! How I've done everything I've learned but end up in a total mess. I try talking and being myself like:
Guy: So, aside from studying what else are you doing this days?
Me: Hmm. Im into reading Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code lately. Its good. I can lend you that sometime. Do you read?
Guy: No. I don't even read my school books. Whenever I try, I end up having a headache, but thanks.
Me: Ah. Okay. Hmm. Aside from reading, Im into astronomy. Im fascinated about the cassiopeai. How many constellation do you know?
Guy: I don't know any. By the way, have you already watch Saw 7? they say its the ending of Saw movies.
Me: I don't watch cannibalistic movies. Im sorry.
Guy: Its not cannibal. How about The Walking Dead?
Me: The last time I've watched zombie movie, I have not eaten any kinds of meat for a week.
Guy: Its not that disgusting. It has a good story. Its about..... you have to watch it for you to get it.
Me: Ahh.
(silence)
And that goes like that. Im being myself but its clear that were not compatible. He is good looking but I need more than that of course.
That's when I promise to myself not to go on a date again. Until now, I never accepted any lunch or dinner dates from any of my boy friends who wants to try the next level of friendship with me. Exception would be Joseph Morgan, Logan Lerman and Augustus Waters.
I do not have any intention of marrying someone. Not because Im a man hater, something like that, but because I do not see myself being with a guy that doesn't share the same weirdness that I have. I do not believe in opposites attract each other thing. It just couldn't be for a girl with an old soul like me.
The male species. I hate certain things about them based on my experiences with some. I hate being stare like Im some kind of girl waiting to have someone who will take me in bed. I hate it when they want to carry my bag or treat me to some meal and expect me to return the favor. Im not a sexist. Im very independent and I do not like them making me feel uncapable in small things such as carrying my own bag. I hate it when they try to hold your hand or hug you without asking first if its okay.
But, I believe in love. I believe that one day I'll be able to meet my Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen). I believe that someone out there is destine to fill and continue my thoughts about what if e is not really equals to mc squared. *giggles* I believe that he can shatter my sanity and yet keep it because he finds it amazing. He will know that I am not my past but my dreams and I will share to him the dreams I want to fulfill and leave behind. I believe that there's someone out there who finds the cruelty and unfairness of the world and yet believe that it is still a beautiful place to spend a lifetime. I believe in love. I believe that it has no boundaries, no time and no reasons. When that happens, when I finally have him, I'll then show you, fairy tales are real.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
DEEPLY FASCINATED
Warning: This article can be very disturbing. :)))
Given the contents of every nightly news on the television and the world wide web, I can say that if their goal is to make me fascinated, well, they win. I have become fascinated now more than I have ever been before I wrote this article. :) A person killed another. A man rape his own daughter. An employer torturing his houseworker. A foreigner using foreign women for pleasure or for money. A mother selling her child to a pedophile so she can eat. (Its now your chance to imagine evil things). Blah Blah Blah. Yes, I hear you. "You don't know anything!" "You don't have any right to judge them because you're not on their skin". Well, say all you want I can say all I want.
I am aware that evil exist even before men had discovered how to make a fire and that I have no right to judge the things I cannot understand but my friend, I am also aware, as my chidhood crush Albert Einstein put it, that "The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil but by those who witness it and do nothing" I feel I have every right to ask and that I don't need to explain anything to anyone about my intentions. (which you can notice that I am already explaining)
My point is, we are born together with that thing we called choice. We always had a choice, whether to do good or to do cruel things to others. And I am left fascinated and bothered why some people can be so ruthless. How can a man hurts another in a way that he doesn't want to be treated like that. I just don't get it.
Ironically, I also admit that evil is necessary so we can know what is good. Hunger is needed so we can be full. Rich are there because we have the poor. Love is wonderful because we experience hate. (Place your own citation in here) Life is very ironical isn't it? God has given us the opposites so we can experience both during a lifetime and its ironical to think that this lifetime we have is the examination where the result will be the kind of another life we will be spending on eternity. Maybe some people forget that. They forget the truth that we will be living another life after this which is why they try to enjoy this lifetime for fear that they wouldn't enjoy the next. How fascinating, isn't it? The word "enjoy" there can mean enjoyment of doing nasty things or enjoyment of guilty pleasures. Eternity is infinite. it has no end and there will be no time. Well, I rather suffer now doing the right things even though its not funny or cool or amazing or "enjoying life to the fullest" than to spend my infinite days suffering only-God-knows-what as the result of happy and satisfying moments here but wrong in the eyes of the One who knows what's right.
I can say that I have awaken. I know the truth as simple as it always is and I do not try to make it complicated. I believe that all the people know what's right and what's wrong, it is, just that simple. One rule that govern my life, I will share to you: we will reap whatever we sow. We have choices, we should be brave enough for the consequences. I also know that the good and evil in this world will continue to fascinate me, for my entire lifetime maybe, but I have long ago accepted that I am, a mere spectator of the universe.
Given the contents of every nightly news on the television and the world wide web, I can say that if their goal is to make me fascinated, well, they win. I have become fascinated now more than I have ever been before I wrote this article. :) A person killed another. A man rape his own daughter. An employer torturing his houseworker. A foreigner using foreign women for pleasure or for money. A mother selling her child to a pedophile so she can eat. (Its now your chance to imagine evil things). Blah Blah Blah. Yes, I hear you. "You don't know anything!" "You don't have any right to judge them because you're not on their skin". Well, say all you want I can say all I want.
I am aware that evil exist even before men had discovered how to make a fire and that I have no right to judge the things I cannot understand but my friend, I am also aware, as my chidhood crush Albert Einstein put it, that "The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil but by those who witness it and do nothing" I feel I have every right to ask and that I don't need to explain anything to anyone about my intentions. (which you can notice that I am already explaining)
My point is, we are born together with that thing we called choice. We always had a choice, whether to do good or to do cruel things to others. And I am left fascinated and bothered why some people can be so ruthless. How can a man hurts another in a way that he doesn't want to be treated like that. I just don't get it.
Ironically, I also admit that evil is necessary so we can know what is good. Hunger is needed so we can be full. Rich are there because we have the poor. Love is wonderful because we experience hate. (Place your own citation in here) Life is very ironical isn't it? God has given us the opposites so we can experience both during a lifetime and its ironical to think that this lifetime we have is the examination where the result will be the kind of another life we will be spending on eternity. Maybe some people forget that. They forget the truth that we will be living another life after this which is why they try to enjoy this lifetime for fear that they wouldn't enjoy the next. How fascinating, isn't it? The word "enjoy" there can mean enjoyment of doing nasty things or enjoyment of guilty pleasures. Eternity is infinite. it has no end and there will be no time. Well, I rather suffer now doing the right things even though its not funny or cool or amazing or "enjoying life to the fullest" than to spend my infinite days suffering only-God-knows-what as the result of happy and satisfying moments here but wrong in the eyes of the One who knows what's right.
I can say that I have awaken. I know the truth as simple as it always is and I do not try to make it complicated. I believe that all the people know what's right and what's wrong, it is, just that simple. One rule that govern my life, I will share to you: we will reap whatever we sow. We have choices, we should be brave enough for the consequences. I also know that the good and evil in this world will continue to fascinate me, for my entire lifetime maybe, but I have long ago accepted that I am, a mere spectator of the universe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)