THE HER IN ME

I had spend my day today in extreme nostalgia. I miss her terribly. She was, in so many ways a bestfriend I could never have again. It was ironic though, for I realized that sometimes those happiest moments were also the saddest. I always try to subdue the memories of those dark days. Those days when we become helpless in the face of the situation, of each others and of time. I don't want to remember what happened because remembering comes with the feelings the time cannot heal. But today was different. My brain doesn't try to make me remember those dark days, instead it tries to bring me back to those good old days.

The good old days. How I wish I can turn back time and be able to live there again. I remember not having anything materialistic that time (we don't yet have anything) No facebook account, no smartphones, no expensive books and no status in the society. Just the three of us. Just getting to know that outside of our home, there is the world. I remember contentment in getting the highest score in scrabble and watching the latest episode of our favorite anime. I remember blackout nights when we were there, lying in bed, playing with our own shadows and talking about things we've learned in school. I remember how we always divide a burger so that the three of us could have a taste because our parents taught us that sharing is the key to a strong family ties. I, who cannot remember the name of my grade one school teacher, remember everything.

How cruel fate can be?
Just as when we're beginning to know who we are and what on earth are we here for....
Just as when we're appreciating every moment and every smile....
Just as when we're actually living and not just existing....

I miss her. Some may not understand what the word "miss" for me is but I know some knows. Its like Hazel Grace missing Augustus Waters. "..I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." (The Fault in Our Stars, John Green, pg. 260). I miss her and I will miss her as long as Im breathing. I miss talking to her. I miss those days when I can just discuss to her about anything my attention goes to. I miss her voice, her laughs, her scream. The way she talks and says goodnight. I still remember how she begin to pray before mealtime, how she stops and how she says amen. I miss her way of saying "ate!" to me. I miss everything about her and it breaks my heart to remember these things because I know that I should move on, be force to live my life without her by my side. But how can I move on? how can I do that? where the heck of my pathetic existence will I get the courage and start?

I told you. I had an extreme sense of nostalgia. I spend minutes writing this with tight throat and blurry eyes.