COME FOOL ME

I am here, sitting comfortably at the back of the bus... feeling all longing because I'm about to spend the coming nights away from home.

Lonely? Yes. My work requires sacrifice. Sacrifice is such a sad word. I need to sacrifice every comfort I have, in order to gain the things I want. After all, we cannot get what we want if we will not be willing to give up a thing or two.

Heartaches. I don't know but I keep thinking about that word for days now. I see people suffer. I hear people dreading the long nights. The tears. The piercing pain. They're all afraid of what's going to happen from here. And I can't help but asked... why do we have heartaches? Why do we experience it? Why are we all frighten to have our hearts broken?

They say that the cause of all our hurts is expectations. We expect so much from the world. We expect it to be kind to us because we're fragile. We expect life to go smooth. We expect people to love us the way we love them--or more, if needs to be. We expect that we wouldn't get sick, that we would be happy, that there will be no goodbyes and that the sky will always be that blue and clear. I think expectation is a weak word to use. I prefer to believe that the cause of all our heartaches is our way of fooling ourselves.

Expectations and fool are not synonymous. Expectations is the belief that something will or is likely to happen while fool is a harmless person lacking in powers of understanding.

The world is a cruel place. It will always be a dimension that favors the fittest--the ones adaptive to change. We know it all, and yet we fool ourselves that it will show us mercy. We, humans, are mortal creatures. We don't have bodies that can live forever and yet we fool ourselves that we wouldn't be sick--that we couldn't get sick. We know we don't have eyes that can see the future and yet we say to ourselves that tomorrow we will chase our dreams, that later we will love our family more than we already had, that there's so much time ahead, that life will wait for us... until we find ourselves on the other side of that "so much". We know these things and yet we fool ourselves that the worst wouldn't come for us. I don't know. Like I said before, I cannot offer anyone answers. I will always long for ways to alleviate human pain, but I have accepted that I will never be able to, because I also suffer. I, also, fool myself enough.

And here I am, looking beyond the horizon. I can see the vast, towering trees from the window and I can feel my fingers itching to paint them. But the sun was more memorable to me at this very moment. I sit here, alone, with the setting sun bleeding above. As if telling me she understand.