BROKENHEART

Starfish,

Hi! How are you? These were the words we used to exchanged during our chats. Simple, but your name alone appearing in my phone screen's--just the fact that you're reaching out to me-- enough to make my heart skip a beat.

You are not from my league. You were not born and raised the way I have been. You only have your abusive father to raise you and the reality that your autistic brother is far from you. You didn't go to college and you don't have a stable job. You earn for a month what I do for a week. You have bad eating manners and your socializing skills sucks. But those things never became an issue for me because you were the first guy who was able to make me feel like a girl. You were the first person to make me see the things you swear you saw in me. You chat me in the most uncomfortable hours just to say you wish me a great day ahead and that if I ever need anything, you will always be there for me. You knew I am not someone who relies on others. You knew that I have live my life and survive this far by not expecting from anyone and yet, you always assured me that if I ever needed anything, you will always be there. I guess you will never know what it really feels like holding on to that words. You will never truly know how those words wound me now. We dated a couple of times and we always held hands. I never held any guy's hand before and I was surprise myself how it feels. It made me feel like I owe you that feeling. It's not everyday that another person can make you feel like... a woman.

We were so different. You like metal music while I prefer acoustic. You don't read manhua's while I'm screaming over it. From politics to simple dish in our dates, we have different taste. Its funny how you you captured my heart only with your long lashes and sincere words. Words, maybe I have fallen in love with your words. There are times when I swear, I could watch you all day do your stuffs and still admire you the same. Free me from this prison and yes, let me say that I love you.

I only found love twice my entire life and I have treasured it. It took me 9 years to moved on from my first love. Maybe that long because the universe knew that I am going to meet you. Love for me was divine. Its not something I can go experiment with to know what and when will be my limitations. I have only one heart and I thought that by protecting it all my life, I will be able to give you something no one can give you. My love for you exceeds that I am willing to give you my heart whole. All of it spoiled, all of it unbroken and strong.d

We had an agreement. I said that you will have me after a year. Just give me a year to prepare myself to be own. You know how I'm too strong willed and independent. It's not going to be fair to you if I accept you now then find you possessive later and break things with you. I never dated you for a petty relationship, and this embarrass me so much to admit but I plan on marrying you. Yes, I assumed that much. I have daydreams of you meeting my family and friends. You will find my mother too obsess in me. She may not like you at first. She may question how you're going to spoil me (I have live my life not in luxury but we always have more) but I can assure you that she's a good person. You have forgotten how it feels like to have a mother and with mine, I had hopes that you will feel complete again. My father too may not approve you. He had three daughters. Daughters. He was the only man in our lives and having someone to share with me now, of course, what will you expect of his reaction. But I am so sure you will like my sister. She was me in so many ways yet we're different. I can't say she will like you too but remember the first time we met? I didn't like you then. I will bring you to my other sister's graveyard. Something I will never do to another human being. I will let you meet her. I will let you talk to her. I don't know if she will like you because I remember her expecting someone like an overrated handsome and wealthy guy for me before, but I'm just going to say that I love you anyway. Knowing her, she will approve of you nonetheless. It's a happy thought isn't it? Me, sharing my life with you, building another with you. I am preparing myself for this. We are not getting any younger and because I'm the girl I should be the one to do all this. Yes, tease me all you want but I have fallen in love with you this much.

But this morning I saw a picture of you with someone else. A girl of my age maybe. I don't know, she looks a year or two younger than me. She's pretty. Our friends say she's adorable and they all approve of her. The two of you being a couple were a big news for everyone. Your friends congratulate you and she is so happy if I am on her shoes it maybe feels like I will fly. Don't think that I was totally surprise. I saw this coming for months now when I see your public conversations but, you know, defense like thing, I deny the probability of it. You promise me that you will wait for me. You promise me that I will be the only one from now on, that you wouldn't look into another girl the way you look to me and that after a year of giving me what I ask you of, we will be together. Now I know all of that was a lie.

You broke my heart. The heart I am going to give you whole, was now in pieces.

Why? Is it because you find me quite cunning? Maybe I like to do things on my own that much that I made you feel like I don't need you. But I am already sharing to you the things that bothers me at night. I am looking to you now to care for me, things I have never ever ask from anyone before. Why? Is it because she's prettier? But you're the type not to care about physical appearance. You care whether a person is interesting or not. You said so yourself. Maybe that was it, maybe she's too interesting that you couldn't help yourself at all. I couldn't blame you. I am boring. I am not worth at all. But why? Isn't my heart not enough? I know I'm not the girlfriend material girl but I can learn that. Everything I have now are the results of my patience to learn. I can learn how to be interesting too. If you would give me... if you would reconsider your decision...

I can't believe how I sound so selfish now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I couldn't blame you. This is my fault. I expected. I expected you to love me the way I love you. I allow myself to love you. I have destroyed the walls I carefully built for years and allowed you to hurt me. When I think of it, you didn't really hurt me at all.  I hurt myself because I let my heart go beat unguarded. This is exactly why I grew doubtful of people. You think your words are easy but for me they came from your heart. And because I think like that, I thought every single one of them is sincere and true. I thought I can believe them. I thought I can believe you.

But you don't have to feel guilty now, my Starfish. After everything, I am still grateful to you. Thank you for the admiration you showed me. I never thought I'm beautiful until you said I am. Thank you for the nights you hold my hand tight. Thank you for being there. Thank you that for quite some time, you made me feel good waking up at any time of the day. Thank you because you're you.  Did I regret meeting you? No. If there is another lifetime, I hope I can meet you again. We'll be friends. Only friends. But now, I can't offer you that. I will be busy trying to fix the broken pieces of myself. I would like to be alone for the days to come. I would like to find myself again.

I love you, you know. And it hurts me that it doesn't go the way I like it to go. I learned now that there are things I wouldn't be able to plan. There are things that just wouldn't go even if I dedicate myself to it. It will hurt me for years yes, the way you hurt me, I will remember it bitterly. But rest assured that I will be strong and move on. Know in your heart that it's okay, that as we don't get to choose who we love, we also don't get to choose who hurts us. I will be strong and I will feel the pain until it hurts no more.

I hope the both of you will be happy. We only have one life. Let's have a good one.

Elsa, 2016

p.s In case you're wondering, I really do hope I will never see you again. *Laugh out loud*