POKER FACE

The days that gone by without me writing in here were greatly spent on things that my parents considered what matters but does not make me happy.

I am working now.

Let's just say inside one of the most prestigious hospital in the country. For the meantime, not a nurse per se but as a medical secretary. The environment was good. The income enough to sustain me with my needs and wants. The workmates, however, sucks. But they're okay as long as our relationship remain professional.

People, especially my mother's friends say Im fortunate. "Not everyone can be a lucky as you", they say. I have not been in a word fight with my mother for three weeks now and I can now buy my sister things she wants. But deep inside, I am not happy. I never appreciate this opportunity and I don't feel satisfied.

You may find my reasons dumb but hey, Im not going to live forever, time is bloody gold for me, I don't want to waste any of it in a place that was not really for me. The work was routinely unchanging, without surprises, without difference and at the end of the day, without a sense of fulfillment. The people in there? I don't like any of them. I am not being judgy but people can be known by what they say isn't it? Everyday the talk was purely small but its like the earth's axis will stop if they will not talk about those stupid things. They think they were knowledgeable and wise but if you dare ask why, they would just say "its how things were". How pathetic. The worst part can be concluded at the end of the day. Because things are in routine, there was a feeling of being useless. Its like you were just hired to do things without learning and growth. You were there as if design to work as intended. I have never imagine that I will be in this situation where I cannot make anything worth it. This whole thing ruins my dreams of working and making my dreams come true and I have come to hate it.

I hate it but for the meantime I plan to stay doing one of the things Im good at--pretention. I am a great pretender. Pretending to be happy and practical but inside cursing myself because Im motivated by money and petty things Im getting in return. I am once again imprison. Im laughing now, actually.

*sighs*

I tried explaning this things to my mother before accepting the position. I told her I want to work in a place where I can be a nurse or an educator because that's what I want to do. But instead of listening, I doubt she hear any of the words I said. Its like were both talking to each other with different languages we're both stranger of. She insist that my decisions were not always right and that I don't know anything because Im just 21 years old. "You have not seen anything yet". Thanks to her I realized how different we are to each other. She wants a simple life, dying with the world not knowing she even exist. I want to be known and to die with a legacy. Yes, I may have come from her womb but that's all there is.

At this moment, I think my sole choice is to be strong and stay detach. I will still educate myself of the things that matters and continue writing in here to keep my sanity in check. Besides, the good part of that stupid job is that Im earning money enough to provide small luxury for my sister and save so I can enroll again taking forensic science. The lesson here is endurement and patience and humbleness and who knows I may be awarded of having the best poker face in the history.

I swear after this is over, I will walk away from there and I will not look back like I'll turn into salt if I did. Ever.