NOTHING BUT DREAMS

I just woke up from a strange dream where I saw myself in a room full of people I don't know, girls giggling and a handsome man lying sick in bed surrounded by people with grave looking faces. There are also black cats around me, which took turn biting my arm, creating little bloodless holes in them. Because of the floating feeling the dream gave me, I immediately reach for the pen and paper on my side and with eyes half open I make sure that I wrote it down before they slip away. You know, I don't sleep without those things on my side nowadays.

Later, through some reliable dream interpretation website I found out the meaning of each things I've dreamed of. I was taken aback to notice that each of them tends to tell me that there is some part of me I don't recognize yet. Either feminine, potential and weakness part, they suggest that I face that part of me that needs to be face. I was advice to let go of the things and people that slows me down and to examine my guard because some of the symbols in my dream says that Im letting my guard down. Too horrible.

Yes, I daydream but I am not a type of person who dreams a lot during sleep. Maybe because Im a shallow sleeper. I can get really sleepy anywhere, difficult to wake, but is used to wake up every now and then. I don't sleep without lights on, that explains why I cannot have a good night sleep other than on my bedroom. One of my weird growing up habits I guess.

Back to that dream.. as I ponder about it, I can't help but wonder what is it that I never accepted for myself yet. Im aware of my weakness and limitations that's why it bothers me that my subconscious is trying to tell me things in contrast. Then, I remember that I had a "small" arguement with my mother last night. Its plainly about me always in front of my laptop, typing or with my notebook, writing. I say that Im writing something sure (my manuscript). She thinks Im weird because people on my age should go outside, date, gossips, shop and do everything "normal". She reminded me that Im the weirdest person she ever knew and that reason alone is enough to conclude that if I stay being this way I can never have a boyfriend or lots of friends and that I wouldn't get anywhere. I never tell her that I want to be a published author someday, I know without doubt she'll laugh. Sucks. I know Im weird, Im proud of it, but my mother's utterance of weird sounds like I have an incurable disease or Im too disgusting and pathetic.

One thing I am certain about my relationship with her is that she doesn't know me at all. We may be having the same blood flowing on our veins but that doesn't mean I am going to be like her or that people can continue judging me through her. We are but different people.

Well, what Im trying to convey is that, yes, I know what she thinks of me and that I know she wouldn't approve my dream of becoming a published author (who cares) and yes, I accepted that long ago but that doesn't necessarily mean Im a stone Im not getting hurt anymore. I think it hurts me, the way my own blood sees me in that way, but its nothing more like a pinch now, it amazes me to realize I acquire an invisible armor built hard that no remarks can hurt me now, to the point of crying, from all the insults I've endured before. *laughs*

I guess it makes me realize that dreams should be worth fighting for. That if you want to make your dream come true you must be really brave to stand against all who will try to bring you down. It makes sense anyway, no one can fly without letting go of the things and people that's weighing them down. In the end, it will just fall on to you. You will be the only one who can make those dreams come true, some can help you but it will always depends on how determine you are along the way. If your dreams become a reality, great, when it doesn't, then you can never blame anyone for it. I owe Dumbledore for teaching me that "It's our choices that make us who we are far more than our abilities.."

This is my choice, my folks.

I WANT TO BE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR AND BE READ.

Its the only thing that burns inside of me that everytime I go to a bookstore and pick up a book I imagine Im holding my story instead, with my name under. Its the first thing that pops out of my mind when someone asks me how do I see myself ten years from now. Its the sentence I used on my goal setting stuff. Its a dream that makes my heart beat fast, my mind race and my whole body tense with excitement.

And Im going to stand by it no matter what. No insults will ever bring me down. Nothing from my family, friends or anyone can make me waver.

If I win, then I'll be happy the ground can swallow me whole.

If I do not then at least I try, I will have some stories to share to my grandchildren (if Im going to have grandchildrens, haha!). I said "If I do not" and not "If I lose" because I don't think I'll ever lose on this. "Only those who give up are defeated, everyone else os victorious." (Paulo Coelho)