SO YOU SAY YOU WANT TO KNOW ME

For all its worth, I want to say that I am not numb.

Yes, I am that introvert who is socially awkward, can't handle being around in the crowd for a day, talks little but is boring when I does, doesn't have that friends and is single but one thing I cannot allow is anyone saying and treating me like I am a heartless damsel.

I do believe in love, folks.

I believe that love has the capacity to make my soul creep out from its hiding place. I believe that there's someone out there who can sweep me off my feet, make me forget how to breathe and make me question how on earth did I survive before without him around.

I believe that love can shatter my sanity, shine a bright light in every inches of darkness I possess, turns my world upside down and make me feel alive and existing and living and all things will be vibrant and real and sound.

The problem is...

I don't

want

to meet

the person

who will

make me

like the kind of person

I listed above.



That explains why I don't let anyone in in my world. My wall was one of the strongest out there and I spend every day adding bricks on it. I never let just, mere people, who thinks Im stupid enough to believe them, see through me.

Why?

Because Im damage beyond repair. I've never loved before but I know a lot since Im into these romantic stuff for several days (well, not really the usual romantic types, but love was there, uggh! whatever). The point is, I don't want to realize how lonely I am, that no one knows me and understand me and can accept my atrocities. Because Im different and weird and no one wants a strange, boring person in their life.




Don't say I never tried changing myself. I did before, I open up, they made me believe that Im one of them, befriend me, see through me and at the end of the day, throw everything directly on my face.

Yes, hurt is inevitable when you love and that to love is to be brave and to give your all. But I cannot seem to understand why do I have to pretend being someone else for people to love me back? Its pathetic.

Advices I am getting from people during these days...

1. You should be more outgoing and a little flirty.

2. You must do dates.

3. Try meeting some boys out there.

4. Want me to introduce you to my friend? He's handsome.

5. Your conversations should start with clothes, travels, movies.. like that so you won't be boring.

The disgust.

I hate it.

Why do they keep changing me? Can they just accept that I am an introvert and this is how I want to be accepted.






I don't even know why I am spending an awful f*cking time trying to explain myself here.

Oh my goodness.




Im bored again.