All my life I have always believed that what you reap is what you sow. You smile to the world and the world will smile to you. Do to others what you want themto do to you.
I have keep those words close to me as I grow older. I have abandon some of the teachings that my parents and teachers taught me but not these golden rules. Everyday I go out in the world, those were the words I have in mind and those were what I use to interact with people. "Treat others fair, and they will treat you fair."
But everyday, the world seems to be doing its best to prove me wrong. It is an unfair world. Cruelty is a just reaction in a cruel this place.
You treat others with kindness just as you want others to treat you but some people just make you feel like you're the worst person they've ever knew existed. Yes, there are these days when people just don't feel like being kind and you have to accept it and understand them because maybe tomorrow they'll feel better and they will say nice things to you but... what about the damage you already received from the other day? What about the insults you already heard because people just feel bad about themselves and it's their way of coping with what they feel? Does everyone like me who still see the world as a good a place despite the fact that evil is here should just sit tight and accept that we are the ones who understand and therefore remain forgiving? I wonder how long would I still be kind after every hurt I received from the people around me. Words are weapons. If the cuts they give were only visible, maybe I'll walk around each day covered in bandages--still smiling like a fool.
The saying that humans can easily forgot that others are human too hasn't struck me hard before as it is now. The world is full of motherfucking bastards who easily forgot that what hurts them can also hurt others. That the same words that can humiliate them can also humiliate others. The world has its way of making you one of its own, and if you're not careful, you will one day wake up believing that you are better than anyone else. You will forget the old sayings about being kind. You will find your heart as cold as a desert at night and before you know it, you are already looking in the mirror and see that the person looking back at you became the person you once hated most.
But there is hope for us.
We can remain the person we want to be by always, always being who we are. Treat others like you want them to treat you. Be fair with no exception but keep in mind that this world isn't and never expect it to be. Forgive them. Every day, wake up, breath deeply and tell yourself that strength and power isn't measured by how high you are above others but how you remain true to who you are after all the cuts you received from every fucking assholes you encounter yesterday. Be gentle, Believe in all things good. Make the world a better place. Yes, no one will build a statue for you, give you an Oscar's for being the kindest person ever walk this earth or cannonize you and name you a saint, but at least, you will die yourself. The world and its people will fail making you one of its own. You will die with a smile in your face knowing that you defeated the world. And I guess there is no way of dying I will wish other than that.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
RE:THE ORIGINALS CAMI'S DEATH
Of all the death scenes I've read and watched in my entire fangirl life, Camille O' Conell (Cami)--a main character in The Originals series, has the most realistic, heart wrenching and unforgettable death of them all. The 5 minutes scene of her captures me so intensely that I feel like I have to analyze and write it down so this emotion she made me feel will not be in vain.
Cami was actually one of my favorite character in the Originals. She was a human from the start, constantly believing that the world is not an awful place despite being hurt by others and witnessing instances when people continue to use people for their own good. She believes in life, in goodness and in the need of everyone to have their own choice. Then she bacame a vampire (she despised this the most because it rob her of her ability to die on her own).
She showed some I've-changed moments but deep inside, she triumphs in being true to herself. Then came the enemy of the love of her life (Niklaus Mikaelson). This was the turning point as she becomes a casualty of the Mikaelson's war.
Excerpt. The Originals Season 3 Episode 19.
Klaus: Some demons will not be tamed.
Cami: Maybe we should do the best we can and never give up. (Almost fainting) I'm tired.
Klaus: Camille...
Klaus: It's funny, I know we're so different... I feel like I've always known you. Maybe its because I've been in your mind, or maybe that's just how you know you love someone.
Klaus: I do love you, you know.
Cami: I thought you're gonna tell me that tomorrow. I really don't have another tomorrow do I? Then why is the people, will you make them go away?
Klaus: Your heart is slowing, but it still beats, you're fighting, because you want to live.
Cami: I wanted to be brave. I want to handle this with dignity, but i can't, I don't want to go, I'm so scared.
Klaus: I'm here, I'm here.
Cami: So much for the brave bartender huh. When I said I was ready to die I was so full of it. Oh, I just wish I had done more than serve a few drinks and... completely use of your therapist,
Klaus: Don't you think for a moment that you failed me. You stayed my hand, quelled my rage, you inspired goodness in me and unlike all of the souls I encountered and forgotten in the long march of time, I will carry you with me.
Cami: Guess that makes me immortal.
Cami: Do you know the bible verse when John's head was struck?
Klaus: The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.
Cami: I was never naive enough to believe that I was your light, but there's light in you. All the cycle of abuse that Mikael began, you can end it. You have to. So you can be the light for your little girl. For Hope.
Klaus: Do not be afraid. You go now, while many have gone before you and even I will go in time, just now there will be no more pain, no more heartbreak. You, will find peace.
It was so real I cried many times as I replayed it. And it was so ideal I wish my death will be like this.
Ideal? Maybe because although I believe death is something we must all face alone, we need someone by our side during our final hour. Someone who will kiss us goodbye. Someone who will be brave for us when we finally forgot what bravery and courage means.
Cami was so honest when she said that she already made her peace with dying and that she wanted to be brave, but she was so scared. We always say that we are not adraid to die. I wonder what kind of fear will I experience in the face of death and I guess its not dying itself we are really afraid of. Cami admits that she wish she could have done more and I realize that that was the very thing we fear. We fear that we have not done enough with our lives. We fear to realize that we wasted it. We fear that there is so much to do and we will not be able to do it anymore. We silently beg for more years but we know there is no more years. I think that is really scary. But Klaus assured her, saying she had not for once failed him and he reminded her of the things she had done. We will all need someone like that, will we? Someone who will remind us of how great we are, how much our lives occupied the lives of the people who meant the world to us and even the small wonderful things about us, things we can easily forgot during the worst times. And finally, someone who will promise us that we will not be forgotten. "...and unlike all the souls I encountered and forgotten in the long march of time, I will carry you with me." Oh sweet heavens, is that what we all want? Isn't oblivion the scariest thing there is? Isn't the thought of being forgotten what makes death not a topic you would discuss with your friends? But in that scene, Klaus promising that he will never forget was what comforts Cami. She settles in the thought that there was nothing to be afraid of. She will die in the arms of the man she loved. If that isn't the sweetest thing, I don't know what is.
Cami's last moment was her turn to remind Klaus that there is light in him and that he should be the light for his daughter. I imagine my death. I hope that when it comes, I will be able to tell the people I love to keep on living. To live and be the guiding life to others. And that we will meet again. If we can still be who we are in the afterlife, I hope we will meet again.
This scene is so beautiful, I'm in tears as I ponder on this.
I never think death as a topic I should keep silent about. Some say that death is the end of life, that there is nothing in it but darkness. I always think otherwise. I've witness far more deaths in my profession than an average person is allowed, and you know what it taught me? Every death is unique and meaningful. It screams silently but oddly you can hear it well. It's trying to say a thousand words at the same time and you can understand it well. Death would come for us sooner or later and it's something we should look forward to. Its only in knowing that we will eventually die that I believe we can really live a life.
I don't want to forget how this one fictional scene made me feel. And I am happy. I am happy that I am a girl I can be proud of. Yes, I am living between the pages of the books I read, in the scenes I watched and inside the world I've written. Fiction is more real to me than this world. And I am not ashame of it.
Cami was actually one of my favorite character in the Originals. She was a human from the start, constantly believing that the world is not an awful place despite being hurt by others and witnessing instances when people continue to use people for their own good. She believes in life, in goodness and in the need of everyone to have their own choice. Then she bacame a vampire (she despised this the most because it rob her of her ability to die on her own).
She showed some I've-changed moments but deep inside, she triumphs in being true to herself. Then came the enemy of the love of her life (Niklaus Mikaelson). This was the turning point as she becomes a casualty of the Mikaelson's war.
Excerpt. The Originals Season 3 Episode 19.
Klaus: Some demons will not be tamed.
Cami: Maybe we should do the best we can and never give up. (Almost fainting) I'm tired.
Klaus: Camille...
Klaus: It's funny, I know we're so different... I feel like I've always known you. Maybe its because I've been in your mind, or maybe that's just how you know you love someone.
Klaus: I do love you, you know.
Cami: I thought you're gonna tell me that tomorrow. I really don't have another tomorrow do I? Then why is the people, will you make them go away?
Klaus: Your heart is slowing, but it still beats, you're fighting, because you want to live.
Cami: I wanted to be brave. I want to handle this with dignity, but i can't, I don't want to go, I'm so scared.
Klaus: I'm here, I'm here.
Cami: So much for the brave bartender huh. When I said I was ready to die I was so full of it. Oh, I just wish I had done more than serve a few drinks and... completely use of your therapist,
Klaus: Don't you think for a moment that you failed me. You stayed my hand, quelled my rage, you inspired goodness in me and unlike all of the souls I encountered and forgotten in the long march of time, I will carry you with me.
Cami: Guess that makes me immortal.
Cami: Do you know the bible verse when John's head was struck?
Klaus: The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.
Cami: I was never naive enough to believe that I was your light, but there's light in you. All the cycle of abuse that Mikael began, you can end it. You have to. So you can be the light for your little girl. For Hope.
Klaus: Do not be afraid. You go now, while many have gone before you and even I will go in time, just now there will be no more pain, no more heartbreak. You, will find peace.
It was so real I cried many times as I replayed it. And it was so ideal I wish my death will be like this.
Ideal? Maybe because although I believe death is something we must all face alone, we need someone by our side during our final hour. Someone who will kiss us goodbye. Someone who will be brave for us when we finally forgot what bravery and courage means.
Cami was so honest when she said that she already made her peace with dying and that she wanted to be brave, but she was so scared. We always say that we are not adraid to die. I wonder what kind of fear will I experience in the face of death and I guess its not dying itself we are really afraid of. Cami admits that she wish she could have done more and I realize that that was the very thing we fear. We fear that we have not done enough with our lives. We fear to realize that we wasted it. We fear that there is so much to do and we will not be able to do it anymore. We silently beg for more years but we know there is no more years. I think that is really scary. But Klaus assured her, saying she had not for once failed him and he reminded her of the things she had done. We will all need someone like that, will we? Someone who will remind us of how great we are, how much our lives occupied the lives of the people who meant the world to us and even the small wonderful things about us, things we can easily forgot during the worst times. And finally, someone who will promise us that we will not be forgotten. "...and unlike all the souls I encountered and forgotten in the long march of time, I will carry you with me." Oh sweet heavens, is that what we all want? Isn't oblivion the scariest thing there is? Isn't the thought of being forgotten what makes death not a topic you would discuss with your friends? But in that scene, Klaus promising that he will never forget was what comforts Cami. She settles in the thought that there was nothing to be afraid of. She will die in the arms of the man she loved. If that isn't the sweetest thing, I don't know what is.
Cami's last moment was her turn to remind Klaus that there is light in him and that he should be the light for his daughter. I imagine my death. I hope that when it comes, I will be able to tell the people I love to keep on living. To live and be the guiding life to others. And that we will meet again. If we can still be who we are in the afterlife, I hope we will meet again.
This scene is so beautiful, I'm in tears as I ponder on this.
I never think death as a topic I should keep silent about. Some say that death is the end of life, that there is nothing in it but darkness. I always think otherwise. I've witness far more deaths in my profession than an average person is allowed, and you know what it taught me? Every death is unique and meaningful. It screams silently but oddly you can hear it well. It's trying to say a thousand words at the same time and you can understand it well. Death would come for us sooner or later and it's something we should look forward to. Its only in knowing that we will eventually die that I believe we can really live a life.
I don't want to forget how this one fictional scene made me feel. And I am happy. I am happy that I am a girl I can be proud of. Yes, I am living between the pages of the books I read, in the scenes I watched and inside the world I've written. Fiction is more real to me than this world. And I am not ashame of it.
CHILD'S NIGHT
The night in our home is still the night I always have ever since I knew that the world is a revolving piece of land and water. I can hear the soft murmurs of the still-awake neighbors. I can hear the beating of my heart--loud and clear as if it wants to leave my chest and beats in a different body. Sometimes, I think that no matter how much you gain from the world, how much salary you acquire in your pocket or how many titles that's been added to your name, a home will always be a place where you're just you. You're just that five year old kid who wants to sleep and rest. You are nothing in your own home. And yet you are everything you could ever be.
Every now and then, I think it's vital that we should always take time to go back home. It is a special time to be who we are. And we are what we are in silence. We are what we are when no one's watching. When we can lie in our bed and listen to our heart and search our own thoughts. Once in a while, it is healthy to shut up and listen to the silence of our own being, so that we may find what it is that we're looking for.
Every now and then, I think it's vital that we should always take time to go back home. It is a special time to be who we are. And we are what we are in silence. We are what we are when no one's watching. When we can lie in our bed and listen to our heart and search our own thoughts. Once in a while, it is healthy to shut up and listen to the silence of our own being, so that we may find what it is that we're looking for.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
A LETTER TO THE MAN WHO VERBALLY ABUSES ME TODAY
I must have known it before I approached you.
I should have known who you are from the very moment I looked into your eyes and I should have warned myself.
But I didn't.
I was, in the first place, never believe that I am capable of such attitude.
They always say that nursing is about compassion. That not everyone can possess it and not everyone are called to be a nurse. But compassion can't be taught in any nursing school, nor can it be acquired overnight. It is a virtue that grows from seeing people suffer. From realizing that we are mortals and we are somehow limited by our flesh. It's like a seed that takes nourishment in placing one's feet in another shoe. When you see people suffer and you feel that tingling sensation in your heart, when you look them into the eyes and see through their souls and hear them ask for help---you knew deep inside that you become compassionate.
That's what I have when I approached and greet you. That's what I have when I introduced myself to you.
Earlier this afternoon, I asked you of your maintenance medications. If you have brought some from home your hospital charges can be lessen. Nursing is holistic; if I will care about your physique, I will also care for your finances. Maybe there's something wrong about my inquiries that you told me you are only a patient and I supposed to take care of where on earth I will get your medication. I said yes, I then have to provide you what you need from our pharmacy. I let you be for an hour and came back with an intravenous needs and fluid. I explained in soft voice that I will carry out a doctor's order of having you hydrated. I asked again for your cooperation, of what your dominant hand is so I will be able to provide you as much comfort as such procedure allowed by havinv the access line on your opposite hand. There must have been a word from me again that you didn't like because you called me incompetent of not knowing which hand is the best to use. I said yes, then we'll have to settle for your left hand. I began explaining to you what to expect, as I do the procedure. I told you there will be a small pain when the needle punctured the site and that you need to breath and relax and never hold back your arm. As I began, I soothe you with words like "okay po, itutusok ka na, hinga lang po malalim" (okay then, I'll pierce the skin now, just take a deep breath). But the moment I pierced through your vein you took away your arm and said in a voice that can be heard well by the patient across you "gaga ka ba, ang sakit ah" (damn you, it hurts). I have to admit that you took me off guard. Never in my life did someone spoke to me that way along with accusing, hateful eyes. Never have I known such hostility. I began to ask myself mentally where the steps in "Starting Intravenous Fluid" did I go wrong. I am not in a hurry. You know I have not approached you in short breaths and with glancing wristwatch attitude. Before I can answer you, you told me again that I am incompetent and that I've hurt you. You added it by informing me that you are a professor and you gain masteral in a field I missed to hear what and that I've hurt you and that I'm incompetent. "Putangina nurse naman to, tanga" I should be damn because the other patients heared you clear that they started to look at me like I am someone who is really incompetent and uncompassionate. I have to tell you I might never forget that last 3 minutes I am there, standing beside your hospital bed, not even considering of depending myself because after all, you are the patient. You have an illness. I am the nurse. I am the healthy one. I shut my mouth and look at you helplessly, asking how did I end up like I deserve such cruel, cruel words. In the end, all I said was that I'll make sure the resident doctor on duty will be the one to start the intravenous fluid. I apologized. Thank the heavens I at least remember to apologized.
But for what? What does my apology stand for? I really want to know the reason why you humiliated me that way. And if you would maybe you could spare me the feeling of having spit out hurtful words to a stranger like me. I wonder if you felt good, believing that I am a creature below you. That because you have gained power in your profession it has somehow given you the right to make people feel as if they are worthless beings. How many of us did you ever treat this way?
I don't know you personally and you don't know me too. But is it enough reason to hurl hurtful words? That because our paths will never crossed again once you've been discharge you at least have to show me how powerful you think you are?
I always believed that the world is still a wonderful place despite the likes of you. That there are still good people out there. But you made me doubt it now. Maybe the world I live in are full of you--- snakes, wearing human skin.
And yes. Despite everything you did to me, I think you do managed to show me a lesson. You have taught me that the likes of you makes this world filthy and that is why we're here. We are here, the ones who stays gentle in the midst of cruelty, to make this world still a better place. We are here to show the likes of you that no matter how high you think of yourself, with that attitude of yours, you are still and always will be beneath us. You taught me to stay kind. That kindness is power. That kindness will always triumph.
I am writing this to you, even though I know you wouldn't read it, so that you'll somehow feel forgiven. Yes, you hurt me deeply and I forgiven you. You wouldn't know you hurt me in the first place but I am, forgiving you. And I have forgiven myself, maybe for allowing you to hurt me. For writing this. For telling the world that they can hurt me and yet I will still be kind, gentle and forgiving.
I do hope you will have a good life ahead, bastard.
AJ, 2016
I should have known who you are from the very moment I looked into your eyes and I should have warned myself.
But I didn't.
I was, in the first place, never believe that I am capable of such attitude.
They always say that nursing is about compassion. That not everyone can possess it and not everyone are called to be a nurse. But compassion can't be taught in any nursing school, nor can it be acquired overnight. It is a virtue that grows from seeing people suffer. From realizing that we are mortals and we are somehow limited by our flesh. It's like a seed that takes nourishment in placing one's feet in another shoe. When you see people suffer and you feel that tingling sensation in your heart, when you look them into the eyes and see through their souls and hear them ask for help---you knew deep inside that you become compassionate.
That's what I have when I approached and greet you. That's what I have when I introduced myself to you.
Earlier this afternoon, I asked you of your maintenance medications. If you have brought some from home your hospital charges can be lessen. Nursing is holistic; if I will care about your physique, I will also care for your finances. Maybe there's something wrong about my inquiries that you told me you are only a patient and I supposed to take care of where on earth I will get your medication. I said yes, I then have to provide you what you need from our pharmacy. I let you be for an hour and came back with an intravenous needs and fluid. I explained in soft voice that I will carry out a doctor's order of having you hydrated. I asked again for your cooperation, of what your dominant hand is so I will be able to provide you as much comfort as such procedure allowed by havinv the access line on your opposite hand. There must have been a word from me again that you didn't like because you called me incompetent of not knowing which hand is the best to use. I said yes, then we'll have to settle for your left hand. I began explaining to you what to expect, as I do the procedure. I told you there will be a small pain when the needle punctured the site and that you need to breath and relax and never hold back your arm. As I began, I soothe you with words like "okay po, itutusok ka na, hinga lang po malalim" (okay then, I'll pierce the skin now, just take a deep breath). But the moment I pierced through your vein you took away your arm and said in a voice that can be heard well by the patient across you "gaga ka ba, ang sakit ah" (damn you, it hurts). I have to admit that you took me off guard. Never in my life did someone spoke to me that way along with accusing, hateful eyes. Never have I known such hostility. I began to ask myself mentally where the steps in "Starting Intravenous Fluid" did I go wrong. I am not in a hurry. You know I have not approached you in short breaths and with glancing wristwatch attitude. Before I can answer you, you told me again that I am incompetent and that I've hurt you. You added it by informing me that you are a professor and you gain masteral in a field I missed to hear what and that I've hurt you and that I'm incompetent. "Putangina nurse naman to, tanga" I should be damn because the other patients heared you clear that they started to look at me like I am someone who is really incompetent and uncompassionate. I have to tell you I might never forget that last 3 minutes I am there, standing beside your hospital bed, not even considering of depending myself because after all, you are the patient. You have an illness. I am the nurse. I am the healthy one. I shut my mouth and look at you helplessly, asking how did I end up like I deserve such cruel, cruel words. In the end, all I said was that I'll make sure the resident doctor on duty will be the one to start the intravenous fluid. I apologized. Thank the heavens I at least remember to apologized.
But for what? What does my apology stand for? I really want to know the reason why you humiliated me that way. And if you would maybe you could spare me the feeling of having spit out hurtful words to a stranger like me. I wonder if you felt good, believing that I am a creature below you. That because you have gained power in your profession it has somehow given you the right to make people feel as if they are worthless beings. How many of us did you ever treat this way?
I don't know you personally and you don't know me too. But is it enough reason to hurl hurtful words? That because our paths will never crossed again once you've been discharge you at least have to show me how powerful you think you are?
I always believed that the world is still a wonderful place despite the likes of you. That there are still good people out there. But you made me doubt it now. Maybe the world I live in are full of you--- snakes, wearing human skin.
And yes. Despite everything you did to me, I think you do managed to show me a lesson. You have taught me that the likes of you makes this world filthy and that is why we're here. We are here, the ones who stays gentle in the midst of cruelty, to make this world still a better place. We are here to show the likes of you that no matter how high you think of yourself, with that attitude of yours, you are still and always will be beneath us. You taught me to stay kind. That kindness is power. That kindness will always triumph.
I am writing this to you, even though I know you wouldn't read it, so that you'll somehow feel forgiven. Yes, you hurt me deeply and I forgiven you. You wouldn't know you hurt me in the first place but I am, forgiving you. And I have forgiven myself, maybe for allowing you to hurt me. For writing this. For telling the world that they can hurt me and yet I will still be kind, gentle and forgiving.
I do hope you will have a good life ahead, bastard.
AJ, 2016
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
ALL TOO WELL
Do you remember the night
When our dreams take flight
You and I were stars
Across the night time sky
Do you remember the days
When we stand side by side
You must have been the sun
For you shine so bright
Do you remember the moments
Of our laughs and cries
Maybe its only echoes now
Maybe the wind blows them behind
The memory of you is vivid
I remember you well
They may forgotten by now
They never know you yes
Do not fear my love
You have a home here
You are everything to me
You still color my world red
Things may change
The sun may rise west
But my soul is tied up in yours
Nothing sure will change
Happy 18th birthday, Aay.
When our dreams take flight
You and I were stars
Across the night time sky
Do you remember the days
When we stand side by side
You must have been the sun
For you shine so bright
Do you remember the moments
Of our laughs and cries
Maybe its only echoes now
Maybe the wind blows them behind
The memory of you is vivid
I remember you well
They may forgotten by now
They never know you yes
Do not fear my love
You have a home here
You are everything to me
You still color my world red
Things may change
The sun may rise west
But my soul is tied up in yours
Nothing sure will change
Happy 18th birthday, Aay.
Monday, February 29, 2016
READING IS LIFE
I visited one of the nearest bookstores to my dormitory this afternoon. It has been ages since I last went to a bookstore in hope that I'll find something worthwhile to read. I admit that my work as a nurse kept me from reading for a year now. I was mostly exhausted from all the physical strain it brought me and whatever little time I have, I use so I could sleep.
But today, visiting that bookstore had brought me back to where I came from. And I came from between the pages of the books I used to love as a child. I came from all the characters I accompany as they set off in their adventures. I felt ashamed that I forgotten what it feels like to go sit beside my favorite authors while listening to their stories. I took them for granted. I might be reading then, but I am not listening. I have forgotten who I really am. I have forgotten how beautiful and heartbreaking words are.
I understand now why journals are important. One day, I might forget what I felt and realized today. That's human nature, we change. We forget. But not if I write down this very moment. This very feelings I am feeling now. It wouldn't fade or go to waste. That is the beauty of words and stories.
Thank you for reminding me to write. Thank you for teaching me to read.
But today, visiting that bookstore had brought me back to where I came from. And I came from between the pages of the books I used to love as a child. I came from all the characters I accompany as they set off in their adventures. I felt ashamed that I forgotten what it feels like to go sit beside my favorite authors while listening to their stories. I took them for granted. I might be reading then, but I am not listening. I have forgotten who I really am. I have forgotten how beautiful and heartbreaking words are.
I understand now why journals are important. One day, I might forget what I felt and realized today. That's human nature, we change. We forget. But not if I write down this very moment. This very feelings I am feeling now. It wouldn't fade or go to waste. That is the beauty of words and stories.
Thank you for reminding me to write. Thank you for teaching me to read.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
THE ENVIOUS DENIAL
I might deny it some other time but for once, I feel like admitting it.
Yes. I envy people.
I envy my friends for having friends that last. Mine doesn't. Its either we lost touch or have grown apart. Who wouldn't want someone they could count as years go by? While they keep realizing how lucky they are to have one another, I am here, decided that I couldn't trust anyone. I want to, but I've received far many reasons that proves there is no one left to rely on but myself.
I envy the complete family picture my friends in social media post every now and then. Those smiles. Those small difference everyone notices as years been added in each frame. The frozen photo of laughters and embraces. How happy it might be if I have a selfie of my family just like the one my childhood friend has... Special occasions every year only reminds of what I lost before. Never will my family be complete again. Not in this lifetime. I wish there will be social medias and cameras in afterlife too. Maybe there, I wouldn't have to envy anyone again.
While I spent my days in fulfilling my lifelong dream of being a writer, my friends are either getting married or having their first born child. I envy them for finding their partners. I envy them for experiencing love in that kind of way. I doubt someone on their right mind will ever like someone like me.I knew it. I knew I'll end up alone. Maybe I'll start saving so I can afford a good nursing home when I grow old.
I know that the world isn't fair. How can others have all while here I am, never getting any. I wish that the world will show me a little kindness out of all that I have given out for it. But I'm reminded that "the world isn't a wish granting factory" (John Green) Maybe the fairness it knows is how it gives more to some and denies even the little to others. I just happened to be in the denied part.
Yes. I envy people.
I envy my friends for having friends that last. Mine doesn't. Its either we lost touch or have grown apart. Who wouldn't want someone they could count as years go by? While they keep realizing how lucky they are to have one another, I am here, decided that I couldn't trust anyone. I want to, but I've received far many reasons that proves there is no one left to rely on but myself.
I envy the complete family picture my friends in social media post every now and then. Those smiles. Those small difference everyone notices as years been added in each frame. The frozen photo of laughters and embraces. How happy it might be if I have a selfie of my family just like the one my childhood friend has... Special occasions every year only reminds of what I lost before. Never will my family be complete again. Not in this lifetime. I wish there will be social medias and cameras in afterlife too. Maybe there, I wouldn't have to envy anyone again.
While I spent my days in fulfilling my lifelong dream of being a writer, my friends are either getting married or having their first born child. I envy them for finding their partners. I envy them for experiencing love in that kind of way. I doubt someone on their right mind will ever like someone like me.I knew it. I knew I'll end up alone. Maybe I'll start saving so I can afford a good nursing home when I grow old.
I know that the world isn't fair. How can others have all while here I am, never getting any. I wish that the world will show me a little kindness out of all that I have given out for it. But I'm reminded that "the world isn't a wish granting factory" (John Green) Maybe the fairness it knows is how it gives more to some and denies even the little to others. I just happened to be in the denied part.
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