THE END

When did I become an ending hater?

I think it started long ago, my age I cannot recall. It happened when my mother brought me my first novel to read, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I remember holding the book on my hands with wide smile on my face, opening it apart and smelling the pages. Then I examined the cover, the synopsis on the back and ran a finger on the spine. The thing is that I opened the last page and read the last paragraph before starting it from the beginning. I don't know why but it became my unminded rule when it comes to reading books. The same goes with me watching animes and series. I always watch the last 10minutes of the last episode first.

Even in my first novel, I have not finish writing the entirety of it but I already wrote the last paragraph, which I planned to place in the fourth book. :)

It makes me wonder now that I realize this weird habit of mine, how did I become like this?

I am aware that everything has to end--eventually. Nothing and no one will remain, yes, with the exception of our Lord Almighty and that force which they say "makes the world go round"--love. Aside from these two, all things will be reduce to nothing. Actually, I can't help but ask why in all our mortality do we still believe in forever.

I think its because we cannot comprehend endings. We were made without the capacity to accept that there are some things we cannot hold on to for eternity. If that was it then it explains why we continue to live our life (still) with the people we lose along the way. Whether its death or circumstances, we keep thinking how and why will we live even if they're not here with us. This might explains why even though we reached the end of our favorite movie, series or book and the conclusion satisfies us, we still can't help but think what goes beyond it.

I kinda realized now... maybe we are just infinite creatures. :P Our bodies will wear out and die but we cannot die at all. There is no death and the concept of ending is nothing but absurdity. We all goes beyond that, living, breathing or thinking is not the issue. I do believe we all goes beyond that.

COVER THAT HOLE

In one way or another, I think, everyone of us is somehow broken. We all have that hole carved in our hearts and we become willing to spend an entire lifetime searching what ever is it that will make it whole.

We were living in a fallen broken world so the sadness that become part of me does not surprise me at all. It is a word that always describes me ever since and I have manage to survive with it. A curse and a blessing having the capacity to feel deeply about everything.

But isn't my longing a universal cry? Are all the people around me never for once long for someone, for someplace, of something that will free them from the heart wrenching pain of never being satisfied?

....

I therefore, in all the brokeness I have, conclude that the loneliness each of us mortals have actually comes from the Divine Power. He had made us with that hole in our hearts that only He will be able to fill. Our world is constantly changing, we somehow needs someone who does not have this sense of time to change Him. We need unconditional love. A love that will never require us to have that money, that power, mansions and cars, fame and titles to be worthy of. We have our own choices. I choose to welcome that Divine Power today because of that hole in my heart that tends to consume me everyday. Im getting tired of nursing that hole anyway.

I hope you do too.

WHAT I WISH I KNEW WHEN I WAS TWENTY ONE

Somes says that things always make sense in the end. Well, these all makes sense now.

1. Sometimes it is not rainbow at the end of a storm, sometimes its fireworks. Literally.

2. Its okay to try new things. Seek your own adventure. When you find it good, you will be happy. When you not, at least you try.

3. Treasure your family. Say thank you to your parents for the things they've done and keep on doing. I just woke up one day realizing that Im blessed because of them. They're not perfect, but they were just what I needed. Love your sisters. Treat them as your best friends. I have come to despise television programs that depicts siblings as rivals for fucking wealth, attention and love. Holy crap! does their so called great directors ever knew what sacrifice and sharing means?

4. Remember: only strong ones forgive, it was a quality that seperates them from the weak.

5. I've experienced an overwhelming judgement and manipulation from the people who does not even know what my middle name is. I've learned through that that people have this nauseating tendency to drag others into the hell they're into. They will drag you more, if you let them.

6. The world is full of dumb people who speaks stupid things and thinks that they knew everything. You have to live with them though. Intelligent ones who mind their words are getting endangered now.

7. You are not alone. Many will make you feel like you are but do not listen to them. The world is inhabitated by those who think and feel like you do. I write. Not for my critics but for my people, so they will know they're not alone.

8. Read good books, not just entertaining ones. I have learned how to live on the pages of the books I read. Walk with the characters. See life as the authors do. I find it true that reading lets you have as many lifetimes as you want.

9. Trust the Lord. If you cannot trust Him then who else is left to trust? He is in control. Sometimes, things will seem like its not going to get any better but God is in the start and He he had already been in the finish line. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing.

10. In all cases, never ever disrecpect yourself. This has been the most liberating lesson I've learned the year round. Accept who you are. No one will do if you do not. Do what you want. Let them judge you, they cannot judge you enough. Let them rot in their own misery in knowing that you do what you want and that they cannot. Do not disrespect yourself by dancing in someone else music. Create your own music. And above all, do not live a life. Build you own life where others can live into.

I would gladly want to greet myself a happy birthday but Im still quite not sure if Im happy. But I find it a good thing, I can become very happy tomorrow if not today. :)))))

TIC TAC TOE

Things change.

People kept changing.

The sun always rise and set at the same direction but not those whom it shines for.

You love her so much to the point that you think your heart will burst out but today, you just woke up hating the day you met her.

You lose your mom in a car accident a year ago. During those four months of grief, you were convince that you weren't fit to live in a world without her anymore. Two years had past now and as those suicidal thoughts visit you at night, you were suddenly afraid to die.

Being a mother of two kids, you watch them go to their first day of school. They were shrieking, calling your name and begging you not to leave them alone. Last night, your conversation with your first born was tough. He was informing you that he's getting married but you don't like the girl. He was just informing you. Your permission would not matter.

You knew her like forever. You swore to each other--bestfriends forever. She goes abroad three years ago to follow my dreams, she says. You folow yours. The communication between the both of you, during those years, were little. Last night, you see her at your alumni homecoming. Your eyes met hers, she gives you a smile. Only a smile.

Things keep changing.

Peole keep changing.

Nothing last forever. We all know this. But at the end of the day, we keep on seeing ourselves having the kind of forever we always want.

We keep on believing on things that time couldn't touch. But we're aware that we do not own anything.

How utterly sad is to realize that as long as there is time, there will always be change.

FRAGMENTS OF TIME: INTRODUCTION

It was a very humid night when my sister, maybe drug from three hours of internet browsing, ask a question I keep on pondering for three days now. She had just knew 30 minutes ago that Im the author of a blog called Apples and Midnight Stories.

"Such courage", she exclaimed. It was, really.

"Well, it takes a strong woman to speak her mind diba?" I said, quoting the words of a famous Philippine talk show host.

We laughed.

"Why do you write, sister?" she teased.

For a moment, I ponder for the right words. Those that will shut her up. :p

Finally, I said, "Why wouldn't I?"



And it goes that way. Why wouldn't I? Why would the rest of the world will not? Writing on this site and on my journals are my way of talking to the universe.

Contrary to the usual belief, emotions and events have their equivalent words. I believe its necessary to write down those things that made you glad, put you to tears, reminds you of your fears and whatever emotions an event stirs up in you. Writing them down would somehow make the time stop. Those feelings, events and people that had been converted into words became immortal. Frozen forever in time.




Each of us has their own stories to tell, remembering hurts, but one day we'll realize that not being able to remember hurts more.

For the first time ever, I decided to remember my life. I will snatch those memories from the past and write it down making them untouchable by time.

Don't get me wrong though. Past is past and we were taught not to dwell with it anymore but I think there's beauty in sharing with the world those things that made you who you are.

After all, at the very end, we will all end up like the things we wrote down--stories.

THAT COLD COLD

You were there.

Underneath the vast dark sky with the gentle wind washing through your body. You have your friends with you. Your friends for almost ten years, having known each other for quite long, you knew they were more than special. Its dark out there and cold but you found pleasure in enjoying the soft wind that brushes through your face and all over your body.

You feel naked that night for you have left your walls unguarded. Why would you? The people who always do their best to hurt you were far away.

For the first time in two months, you felt free. Free from all the judgement of the world. No one will try to define you here.

And as you look at that nightsky you suddenly felt miserable. Why am I living like this? Why, in all people do I have to live like this?

But you don't have an answer for that one. Not yet now.

POKER FACE

The days that gone by without me writing in here were greatly spent on things that my parents considered what matters but does not make me happy.

I am working now.

Let's just say inside one of the most prestigious hospital in the country. For the meantime, not a nurse per se but as a medical secretary. The environment was good. The income enough to sustain me with my needs and wants. The workmates, however, sucks. But they're okay as long as our relationship remain professional.

People, especially my mother's friends say Im fortunate. "Not everyone can be a lucky as you", they say. I have not been in a word fight with my mother for three weeks now and I can now buy my sister things she wants. But deep inside, I am not happy. I never appreciate this opportunity and I don't feel satisfied.

You may find my reasons dumb but hey, Im not going to live forever, time is bloody gold for me, I don't want to waste any of it in a place that was not really for me. The work was routinely unchanging, without surprises, without difference and at the end of the day, without a sense of fulfillment. The people in there? I don't like any of them. I am not being judgy but people can be known by what they say isn't it? Everyday the talk was purely small but its like the earth's axis will stop if they will not talk about those stupid things. They think they were knowledgeable and wise but if you dare ask why, they would just say "its how things were". How pathetic. The worst part can be concluded at the end of the day. Because things are in routine, there was a feeling of being useless. Its like you were just hired to do things without learning and growth. You were there as if design to work as intended. I have never imagine that I will be in this situation where I cannot make anything worth it. This whole thing ruins my dreams of working and making my dreams come true and I have come to hate it.

I hate it but for the meantime I plan to stay doing one of the things Im good at--pretention. I am a great pretender. Pretending to be happy and practical but inside cursing myself because Im motivated by money and petty things Im getting in return. I am once again imprison. Im laughing now, actually.

*sighs*

I tried explaning this things to my mother before accepting the position. I told her I want to work in a place where I can be a nurse or an educator because that's what I want to do. But instead of listening, I doubt she hear any of the words I said. Its like were both talking to each other with different languages we're both stranger of. She insist that my decisions were not always right and that I don't know anything because Im just 21 years old. "You have not seen anything yet". Thanks to her I realized how different we are to each other. She wants a simple life, dying with the world not knowing she even exist. I want to be known and to die with a legacy. Yes, I may have come from her womb but that's all there is.

At this moment, I think my sole choice is to be strong and stay detach. I will still educate myself of the things that matters and continue writing in here to keep my sanity in check. Besides, the good part of that stupid job is that Im earning money enough to provide small luxury for my sister and save so I can enroll again taking forensic science. The lesson here is endurement and patience and humbleness and who knows I may be awarded of having the best poker face in the history.

I swear after this is over, I will walk away from there and I will not look back like I'll turn into salt if I did. Ever.