The thing about me this past few weeks is that I feel lonely and sad almost all the time. Its not loneliness that roots from lack of belongingness or because I have few friends whatsoever but it's the type of loneliness in which I feel like I am missing my old life.
Its odd. I am at the time of life. I live in the city. I can do whatever I want to do. Date who I want to date. Be someone like those girls from late night drama series. I am never going to be this young again. But I feel empty. All I know is that I am away from my family and friends and you might say that I am just homesick and yes, maybe I am one hell of a homesick because I miss the life I have before I became what I am now. I miss the simplicity I have before. I miss my family. I miss my dog--Morphine and Doug. The sound of their barks. I miss my afternoon naps and late night conversation with my journals and books. I miss the silence of our home. The comfort of our living room. The softness of my own bed. The sound of wind against the gutter of our roof. I miss the shrieking voices of children playing outside. I miss my mother and her gunshot nagging. I miss my father and my sisters. And most of all, I miss myself. I miss the "me" who felt like she can conquer the world with her words. The "me" who have so much to live and die for. The "me" who even without money, can shout to the world that she is happy. We grew up too fast, won't you say? At twenty four, I feel like I've already live a lifetime that was never mine. I couldn't think of something worth living now. It feels like there is nothing more for me out there. That the world may go on without me and still it will always be the same. I feel tired. And sad. I feel terribly sad of living like this. I feel different. Horribly different. While my friends are getting married and having kids, there is me here. Stuck in an endless cycle of asking why. Why is it so hard to be like everyone else? Why do I have to be me? Why is it sad? Why?
After all these years of trying so hard, I realize that I am still the girl from ten years ago. I still want the things I want from back then. Not a stable job. Nor large bank savings money. But life. I want a simple life. A life when I can watch the sun rise and set. Smell the breeze and feel the wind. Do bonfires, roast meat and talk to native people. I want to hear stories. Not the ones full of self proclamation but real stories of life, tragedy and love. I want to read my books and drink hot sweet cocoa my grandmother used to made for me when I was a little girl. I want to write and spend the day writing. I want to lie under the sky and count the stars. I want to live. I want to feel. But I am too far from all this. No matter what I do now it wouldn't up to this.
Sweet heavens, I feel like I don't deserve this life.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Monday, January 2, 2017
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
Maybe maturity is when you realize that it doesn't have to be new year for you to change but I still think that listing down your new year's resolution is a good start, a sign that you decide that you'll change--- for the better. I believe it's important to write down things. We are creatures quick to forget and we need to be reminded from time to time. Sometimes, from ourselves.
Here's my new year's resolution for 2017.
I promise to take care of myself more. I was my laziest during 2016. I ate a lot fastfoods, junkfoods and drank cups and cups of coffee and soda. I slept without washing my face and brushing my teeth. I don't workout. I was a fool to believe that my body can take so much junks and still remain healthy. Thus I suffer from constant stomach ache and facial acne. I promise to start a healthy lifestyle. I'll cut off coffee from my daily routine. I'll eat fruits again. And I'll exercise.
I promise to protect myself from toxic people. 2016 introduced me to people that I thought would be good for me. I failed to listen to that soft voice warning me that people who talk behind your back are toxic. I allowed some of them to ruin me. It won't happen again. Not because they share the same hobby, workplace or name with you means they understand you. These people suck out life energy. They drag others to the same mud they were. I won't have this in«» my life again.
I promise to love and take care of my family more. Family is important. They share the same blood, the same name and the same burden. It's funny how my relatives doesn't even know me really but I know I'll always have them to back me up. No matter what it is. My family will always be there, as I will be to them.
I promise to invest in memories and dreams. I will enjoy moments more, knowing that I wouldn't be as young as I am now. I'm starting to die and I don't have any plans of staying on the same ground for long. I will study again this year. I will write my book. I will read more books and watch more movies. I will still go to conventions and experience my fandoms. I would love to meet more of the celebrities I enjoy watching. I will compliment others more and I promise to talk less shits. I want others to know me again as someone who talks only when necessary--- that I've lost because I've said too many bullshits to worthless people. But I will write more. I will write everything I want to remember.
I promise to lessen proscratination. That, I will figure how.
I will love myself more so I can love others more.
I will go back praying and worshipping God. He's unchanging. I know He'll help me make things work out again for us.
I will do all this and write about how I conquer myself at the end of 2017. That is how we grow anyway, right? By conquering ourselves. By pushing through what we think is our limit. That is how we grow and become who we really are. I like to know who am I really.
Here's my new year's resolution for 2017.
I promise to take care of myself more. I was my laziest during 2016. I ate a lot fastfoods, junkfoods and drank cups and cups of coffee and soda. I slept without washing my face and brushing my teeth. I don't workout. I was a fool to believe that my body can take so much junks and still remain healthy. Thus I suffer from constant stomach ache and facial acne. I promise to start a healthy lifestyle. I'll cut off coffee from my daily routine. I'll eat fruits again. And I'll exercise.
I promise to protect myself from toxic people. 2016 introduced me to people that I thought would be good for me. I failed to listen to that soft voice warning me that people who talk behind your back are toxic. I allowed some of them to ruin me. It won't happen again. Not because they share the same hobby, workplace or name with you means they understand you. These people suck out life energy. They drag others to the same mud they were. I won't have this in«» my life again.
I promise to love and take care of my family more. Family is important. They share the same blood, the same name and the same burden. It's funny how my relatives doesn't even know me really but I know I'll always have them to back me up. No matter what it is. My family will always be there, as I will be to them.
I promise to invest in memories and dreams. I will enjoy moments more, knowing that I wouldn't be as young as I am now. I'm starting to die and I don't have any plans of staying on the same ground for long. I will study again this year. I will write my book. I will read more books and watch more movies. I will still go to conventions and experience my fandoms. I would love to meet more of the celebrities I enjoy watching. I will compliment others more and I promise to talk less shits. I want others to know me again as someone who talks only when necessary--- that I've lost because I've said too many bullshits to worthless people. But I will write more. I will write everything I want to remember.
I promise to lessen proscratination. That, I will figure how.
I will love myself more so I can love others more.
I will go back praying and worshipping God. He's unchanging. I know He'll help me make things work out again for us.
I will do all this and write about how I conquer myself at the end of 2017. That is how we grow anyway, right? By conquering ourselves. By pushing through what we think is our limit. That is how we grow and become who we really are. I like to know who am I really.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
THE MAYBE TIMES
There are times when I really wish I wasn't born. I feel sad a lot. I think a lot. I dream a lot. There are times when I wish that I was born different. Maybe if I was born in a different place, in different parents, in different circumstances... maybe I was a bit happier. Maybe I wasn't who I am now. Maybe I never need to write down things like this. Maybe I don't need to look at other people and ask myself why am I not like them. Why am I not always happy like them? Why does it hurt to live? Why do I feel how I feel? Maybe if I was a different person in a different place, maybe it wouldn't hurt like this.
But I wasn't.
I was born the way I was born and I grew up to be who I am now. I've gone through many hell of a shit and I live through them all and here I am now. I am still breathing. It is I who remains despite all the spit the world has thrown on me.
Silas walked across the path without disturbing a fallen leaf, and sat down on the bench beside Bod. "There are those," he said, in his silken voice, "who believe that all land is sacred. That it is sacred before we come to it, and sacred after. But here, in your land, they blessed the churches and the ground they set aside to bury people in, to make it holy. But they left land unconsecrated beside the sacred ground, Potter's Fields to bury he criminals and the suicides or those who were not of the faith."
"So the people buried in the ground on the other side of the fence are bad people?"
Silas raised one perfect eyebrow. "Mm? Oh, not at all. Let's see, it's been a while since I've been down that way. But I don't remember anyone particularly evil. Remember, in days gone by you could be hanged for stealing a shilling. And there are always people who find their lives have become so unsupportable they believe the best thing they could do would be to hasten their transition to another plane of existence."
"They kill themselves, you mean?" said Bod. He was about eight years old, wide-eyed and inquisitive, and he was not stupid.
"Indeed."
"Does it work? Are they happier dead?"
"Sometimes. Mostly, no. It's like the people who believe they'll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn't work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. If you see what I mean."
(The Graveyard's Book, Neil Gaiman)
And I realized I have no choice. I was born, nonetheless. I am existing here. I am alive. And all I could do was to decide what Im gonna do with the life and time I've been given. I have to decide and make choices I will regret the least.
It's okay to break down at times, right?
But I wasn't.
I was born the way I was born and I grew up to be who I am now. I've gone through many hell of a shit and I live through them all and here I am now. I am still breathing. It is I who remains despite all the spit the world has thrown on me.
Silas walked across the path without disturbing a fallen leaf, and sat down on the bench beside Bod. "There are those," he said, in his silken voice, "who believe that all land is sacred. That it is sacred before we come to it, and sacred after. But here, in your land, they blessed the churches and the ground they set aside to bury people in, to make it holy. But they left land unconsecrated beside the sacred ground, Potter's Fields to bury he criminals and the suicides or those who were not of the faith."
"So the people buried in the ground on the other side of the fence are bad people?"
Silas raised one perfect eyebrow. "Mm? Oh, not at all. Let's see, it's been a while since I've been down that way. But I don't remember anyone particularly evil. Remember, in days gone by you could be hanged for stealing a shilling. And there are always people who find their lives have become so unsupportable they believe the best thing they could do would be to hasten their transition to another plane of existence."
"They kill themselves, you mean?" said Bod. He was about eight years old, wide-eyed and inquisitive, and he was not stupid.
"Indeed."
"Does it work? Are they happier dead?"
"Sometimes. Mostly, no. It's like the people who believe they'll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn't work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. If you see what I mean."
(The Graveyard's Book, Neil Gaiman)
And I realized I have no choice. I was born, nonetheless. I am existing here. I am alive. And all I could do was to decide what Im gonna do with the life and time I've been given. I have to decide and make choices I will regret the least.
It's okay to break down at times, right?
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
LET US DREAM
The thing is we are all gifted with the ability to dream.
We all see ourselves in a way beyond what we are now. We've been there. Standing in front of a mirror and see not what we are now but what we will be tomorrow. There is always a person there, staring back and smiling. As if reminding you how hard it is to reach what you will eventually reach if you never give up. As if telling you that hard work really pays off. As if whispering the words you too dream of hearing; I am so proud of what you've become. You can almost hear someone thanking you for your existence. That because of you someone persevere.
But there are also times when the person looking back at you is someone you knew well but doesn't want to see. Someone with big puffy eyes too tired to even explain what even going on. Someone wearing all the burden in the world inside that dark eye bags. Someone who's cheekbones become prominent from all the sleepless nights battling with demons whispering every ways of why it's impossible. It is these times when you feel like you just can't. You are so tired to even believe. And you will never get off this alive. The only thing you can do is give up and admit defeat. We are all afraid of failure. But not as much as the thought of being called one. Everyone feels like perfect. It is just you who the world is against of. It is just you who seems like there is no way but to surrender.
But I want to remind you that only those who give up are failures. It may be dark right now on where you are but it will be darker if you stay there. You have to remind yourself of what you want to become even if it feels nothing. You have to gather all the strength left in you to see the image again, of that better person in the mirror that you want to stare back at you someday, even if its blurred. What people around you says doesn't matter. All their encouragements are nothing if you stop believing that you will make it. I believe that eveything we need is in all that we are. We are all capable of greatness. It is born with us but like every organs in our body we have to take care of it.
We are all capable of reaching our dreams. This is one quality that makes us beautiful. And what are we if we don't have them? What it is to live for?
I just want to remind you how beautiful you are. And yes, be even more beautiful. Reach your dreams.
We all see ourselves in a way beyond what we are now. We've been there. Standing in front of a mirror and see not what we are now but what we will be tomorrow. There is always a person there, staring back and smiling. As if reminding you how hard it is to reach what you will eventually reach if you never give up. As if telling you that hard work really pays off. As if whispering the words you too dream of hearing; I am so proud of what you've become. You can almost hear someone thanking you for your existence. That because of you someone persevere.
But there are also times when the person looking back at you is someone you knew well but doesn't want to see. Someone with big puffy eyes too tired to even explain what even going on. Someone wearing all the burden in the world inside that dark eye bags. Someone who's cheekbones become prominent from all the sleepless nights battling with demons whispering every ways of why it's impossible. It is these times when you feel like you just can't. You are so tired to even believe. And you will never get off this alive. The only thing you can do is give up and admit defeat. We are all afraid of failure. But not as much as the thought of being called one. Everyone feels like perfect. It is just you who the world is against of. It is just you who seems like there is no way but to surrender.
But I want to remind you that only those who give up are failures. It may be dark right now on where you are but it will be darker if you stay there. You have to remind yourself of what you want to become even if it feels nothing. You have to gather all the strength left in you to see the image again, of that better person in the mirror that you want to stare back at you someday, even if its blurred. What people around you says doesn't matter. All their encouragements are nothing if you stop believing that you will make it. I believe that eveything we need is in all that we are. We are all capable of greatness. It is born with us but like every organs in our body we have to take care of it.
We are all capable of reaching our dreams. This is one quality that makes us beautiful. And what are we if we don't have them? What it is to live for?
I just want to remind you how beautiful you are. And yes, be even more beautiful. Reach your dreams.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
NOVEMBER 1
Its been almost two years since I last walked the graveyard where the physical body of my sister lies. Almost two years. Almost two years my career did hinder me a visit.
It was a refreshing day. The weather was warm. Thin clouds cover the sky and the wind blows cold. It even rains before we left the house. It was a perfect day for a visit. This year, my other sister's career made her unable to be with us since she was on duty that morning. So it was just me and my parents. We retraced the path of the graveyard with an emotion I know we all share but I couldn't name of. I walked behind them, watching as they took every careful steps that will lead us to her resting place. My mother holding my father's arm tight.
It was always with comfort to visit her during this season. The graveyard was packed with people. Families are gathered around tombs. Everyone was dresssed in gray or white clothes. Loud party music are prohibited. No burst of laughters can be heard. It is comforting to know that we are not the only one who lose someone dear to us. That death was fair in making each of us suffer because we are the ones left behind. I traveled the path to her tomb slowly. My mind drifted to the times I've been there. Head lifted and eyes looking forward to see that fuschia pink piece rectangular shaped stone. I suddenly become aware that I feel naked. As if everyone can see through me. As if everyone knows I lose my youngest sister five years ago. Five years ago, we were with relatives and friends. Five years ago, they still remember what we lose to that place and swore with us to never forget, to always remember that she too once lived with us. It was just five years. But it seems like we are the only one left to remember her. Six hours in that place and yet no one we knew came to visit her. Her friends stopped visiting us too, two years ago. Everyone felt like they've move on.
It is funny how I imagine her sitting with us during that day. Listening to me talking to our parents about relatives. Seeing how old our parents are now. My father enthusiastically repaints the letters of her name with gold acrylic. I imagine her hitting my father's head. Did she notice how our parents are now? Or how I look with my haircut? Did she felt too the way we learned to accept that we can never be whole again, not until the day we see her again? I imagine Bod too, a character from Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book. I imagine all the souls in that graveyard. I imagine how they must have felt being with the ones they love and seeing how time changes them. What must these souls feel like when they realized that time stopped changing them while their love ones grew old. White hair noticeable in every strand, their skin gets a little darker or whiter, small ones grew more height, even the way they talk change. Did all the souls in here felt a pang of pain too? Knowing they will never be able to tell the ones they love everything they want to? Not yet now. Maybe tomorrow.
Five years of not being with my youngest sister also changes me. The idea of dying doesn't seem to scare me for all these years. There is nothing to be afraid of. She will be waiting there on the other side. But the stories. I have to live for the moment so we will have many things to talk for eternity. This is what I realized under the sky beside her tomb. For you, my love, I will keep on living.
It was a refreshing day. The weather was warm. Thin clouds cover the sky and the wind blows cold. It even rains before we left the house. It was a perfect day for a visit. This year, my other sister's career made her unable to be with us since she was on duty that morning. So it was just me and my parents. We retraced the path of the graveyard with an emotion I know we all share but I couldn't name of. I walked behind them, watching as they took every careful steps that will lead us to her resting place. My mother holding my father's arm tight.
It was always with comfort to visit her during this season. The graveyard was packed with people. Families are gathered around tombs. Everyone was dresssed in gray or white clothes. Loud party music are prohibited. No burst of laughters can be heard. It is comforting to know that we are not the only one who lose someone dear to us. That death was fair in making each of us suffer because we are the ones left behind. I traveled the path to her tomb slowly. My mind drifted to the times I've been there. Head lifted and eyes looking forward to see that fuschia pink piece rectangular shaped stone. I suddenly become aware that I feel naked. As if everyone can see through me. As if everyone knows I lose my youngest sister five years ago. Five years ago, we were with relatives and friends. Five years ago, they still remember what we lose to that place and swore with us to never forget, to always remember that she too once lived with us. It was just five years. But it seems like we are the only one left to remember her. Six hours in that place and yet no one we knew came to visit her. Her friends stopped visiting us too, two years ago. Everyone felt like they've move on.
It is funny how I imagine her sitting with us during that day. Listening to me talking to our parents about relatives. Seeing how old our parents are now. My father enthusiastically repaints the letters of her name with gold acrylic. I imagine her hitting my father's head. Did she notice how our parents are now? Or how I look with my haircut? Did she felt too the way we learned to accept that we can never be whole again, not until the day we see her again? I imagine Bod too, a character from Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book. I imagine all the souls in that graveyard. I imagine how they must have felt being with the ones they love and seeing how time changes them. What must these souls feel like when they realized that time stopped changing them while their love ones grew old. White hair noticeable in every strand, their skin gets a little darker or whiter, small ones grew more height, even the way they talk change. Did all the souls in here felt a pang of pain too? Knowing they will never be able to tell the ones they love everything they want to? Not yet now. Maybe tomorrow.
Five years of not being with my youngest sister also changes me. The idea of dying doesn't seem to scare me for all these years. There is nothing to be afraid of. She will be waiting there on the other side. But the stories. I have to live for the moment so we will have many things to talk for eternity. This is what I realized under the sky beside her tomb. For you, my love, I will keep on living.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
LEFT BEHIND
The Reasons I gave up
I have told you I like you but the truth is that I told myself that I love you.
You're angry with me. Not only because I cut all our ties but because I gave up on you easily. I let you go after seeing that picture of you with another girl and hearing rumors. I didn't even asked for your explanation. I didn't even said goodbye.
You're one of the good things that happened to me this year.
You're maybe stupid, careless, immature and all but I don't care. You know I don't care. I love you and I thought that with you we can be better persons. You and I, together. How many times did you waste my time? How many times did you say you wouln't do what I don't want you to do but do it anyway after? Do you remember the things I brushed off because you're stubborn and doesn't know how to ask for forgiveness? Despite all, I have forgiven you over and over because that's how I know how to love. That's how people who loves me do. That's how I believe love is.
But I despise people who promises things they didn't mean. It was one of your quality that I couldn't trust. And trust in love is everything. Tell me now love, what happened to you after promising me that I'll be the one? What happened after the night you held my hand tight and swear that you're going to love me from here and now? How in the world could you just... just forget that? How could you touch my soul and leave me behind... as easy, as simple like that? You didn't even try to prove yourself. You didn't ask if I'm hurt. You just left me asking the universe why. As if I don't amount to anything. As if I'm not worthy to stay. Despensable. Ordinary. Like I can be replace just... just like that.
Maybe you never love me at all.
Maybe I was just deluding myself that our feelings are mutual. Maybe you were trying to tell me that you're sorry you made me feel special and you're about to leave me all these times but I failed to listen. I failed to notice the hints. Its just not right. I am not the right person for you. I thought I am. For heaven's sake, I thought I am.
But this will be the last piece I'm going to write for you. I have to keep moving. No matter what I have to move and keep living. I owe stories for my little sister. We will one day meet again and I have to tell her all the things I did with my life. I will tell her how you broke my heart and then I have to tell her what I become after you did and I wish its all for the better. This will be the last piece that will be about you and I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. Separately.
I have told you I like you but the truth is that I told myself that I love you.
You're angry with me. Not only because I cut all our ties but because I gave up on you easily. I let you go after seeing that picture of you with another girl and hearing rumors. I didn't even asked for your explanation. I didn't even said goodbye.
You're one of the good things that happened to me this year.
You're maybe stupid, careless, immature and all but I don't care. You know I don't care. I love you and I thought that with you we can be better persons. You and I, together. How many times did you waste my time? How many times did you say you wouln't do what I don't want you to do but do it anyway after? Do you remember the things I brushed off because you're stubborn and doesn't know how to ask for forgiveness? Despite all, I have forgiven you over and over because that's how I know how to love. That's how people who loves me do. That's how I believe love is.
But I despise people who promises things they didn't mean. It was one of your quality that I couldn't trust. And trust in love is everything. Tell me now love, what happened to you after promising me that I'll be the one? What happened after the night you held my hand tight and swear that you're going to love me from here and now? How in the world could you just... just forget that? How could you touch my soul and leave me behind... as easy, as simple like that? You didn't even try to prove yourself. You didn't ask if I'm hurt. You just left me asking the universe why. As if I don't amount to anything. As if I'm not worthy to stay. Despensable. Ordinary. Like I can be replace just... just like that.
Maybe you never love me at all.
Maybe I was just deluding myself that our feelings are mutual. Maybe you were trying to tell me that you're sorry you made me feel special and you're about to leave me all these times but I failed to listen. I failed to notice the hints. Its just not right. I am not the right person for you. I thought I am. For heaven's sake, I thought I am.
But this will be the last piece I'm going to write for you. I have to keep moving. No matter what I have to move and keep living. I owe stories for my little sister. We will one day meet again and I have to tell her all the things I did with my life. I will tell her how you broke my heart and then I have to tell her what I become after you did and I wish its all for the better. This will be the last piece that will be about you and I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. Separately.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
BROKENHEART
Starfish,
Hi! How are you? These were the words we used to exchanged during our chats. Simple, but your name alone appearing in my phone screen's--just the fact that you're reaching out to me-- enough to make my heart skip a beat.
You are not from my league. You were not born and raised the way I have been. You only have your abusive father to raise you and the reality that your autistic brother is far from you. You didn't go to college and you don't have a stable job. You earn for a month what I do for a week. You have bad eating manners and your socializing skills sucks. But those things never became an issue for me because you were the first guy who was able to make me feel like a girl. You were the first person to make me see the things you swear you saw in me. You chat me in the most uncomfortable hours just to say you wish me a great day ahead and that if I ever need anything, you will always be there for me. You knew I am not someone who relies on others. You knew that I have live my life and survive this far by not expecting from anyone and yet, you always assured me that if I ever needed anything, you will always be there. I guess you will never know what it really feels like holding on to that words. You will never truly know how those words wound me now. We dated a couple of times and we always held hands. I never held any guy's hand before and I was surprise myself how it feels. It made me feel like I owe you that feeling. It's not everyday that another person can make you feel like... a woman.
We were so different. You like metal music while I prefer acoustic. You don't read manhua's while I'm screaming over it. From politics to simple dish in our dates, we have different taste. Its funny how you you captured my heart only with your long lashes and sincere words. Words, maybe I have fallen in love with your words. There are times when I swear, I could watch you all day do your stuffs and still admire you the same. Free me from this prison and yes, let me say that I love you.
I only found love twice my entire life and I have treasured it. It took me 9 years to moved on from my first love. Maybe that long because the universe knew that I am going to meet you. Love for me was divine. Its not something I can go experiment with to know what and when will be my limitations. I have only one heart and I thought that by protecting it all my life, I will be able to give you something no one can give you. My love for you exceeds that I am willing to give you my heart whole. All of it spoiled, all of it unbroken and strong.d
We had an agreement. I said that you will have me after a year. Just give me a year to prepare myself to be own. You know how I'm too strong willed and independent. It's not going to be fair to you if I accept you now then find you possessive later and break things with you. I never dated you for a petty relationship, and this embarrass me so much to admit but I plan on marrying you. Yes, I assumed that much. I have daydreams of you meeting my family and friends. You will find my mother too obsess in me. She may not like you at first. She may question how you're going to spoil me (I have live my life not in luxury but we always have more) but I can assure you that she's a good person. You have forgotten how it feels like to have a mother and with mine, I had hopes that you will feel complete again. My father too may not approve you. He had three daughters. Daughters. He was the only man in our lives and having someone to share with me now, of course, what will you expect of his reaction. But I am so sure you will like my sister. She was me in so many ways yet we're different. I can't say she will like you too but remember the first time we met? I didn't like you then. I will bring you to my other sister's graveyard. Something I will never do to another human being. I will let you meet her. I will let you talk to her. I don't know if she will like you because I remember her expecting someone like an overrated handsome and wealthy guy for me before, but I'm just going to say that I love you anyway. Knowing her, she will approve of you nonetheless. It's a happy thought isn't it? Me, sharing my life with you, building another with you. I am preparing myself for this. We are not getting any younger and because I'm the girl I should be the one to do all this. Yes, tease me all you want but I have fallen in love with you this much.
But this morning I saw a picture of you with someone else. A girl of my age maybe. I don't know, she looks a year or two younger than me. She's pretty. Our friends say she's adorable and they all approve of her. The two of you being a couple were a big news for everyone. Your friends congratulate you and she is so happy if I am on her shoes it maybe feels like I will fly. Don't think that I was totally surprise. I saw this coming for months now when I see your public conversations but, you know, defense like thing, I deny the probability of it. You promise me that you will wait for me. You promise me that I will be the only one from now on, that you wouldn't look into another girl the way you look to me and that after a year of giving me what I ask you of, we will be together. Now I know all of that was a lie.
You broke my heart. The heart I am going to give you whole, was now in pieces.
Why? Is it because you find me quite cunning? Maybe I like to do things on my own that much that I made you feel like I don't need you. But I am already sharing to you the things that bothers me at night. I am looking to you now to care for me, things I have never ever ask from anyone before. Why? Is it because she's prettier? But you're the type not to care about physical appearance. You care whether a person is interesting or not. You said so yourself. Maybe that was it, maybe she's too interesting that you couldn't help yourself at all. I couldn't blame you. I am boring. I am not worth at all. But why? Isn't my heart not enough? I know I'm not the girlfriend material girl but I can learn that. Everything I have now are the results of my patience to learn. I can learn how to be interesting too. If you would give me... if you would reconsider your decision...
I can't believe how I sound so selfish now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I couldn't blame you. This is my fault. I expected. I expected you to love me the way I love you. I allow myself to love you. I have destroyed the walls I carefully built for years and allowed you to hurt me. When I think of it, you didn't really hurt me at all. I hurt myself because I let my heart go beat unguarded. This is exactly why I grew doubtful of people. You think your words are easy but for me they came from your heart. And because I think like that, I thought every single one of them is sincere and true. I thought I can believe them. I thought I can believe you.
But you don't have to feel guilty now, my Starfish. After everything, I am still grateful to you. Thank you for the admiration you showed me. I never thought I'm beautiful until you said I am. Thank you for the nights you hold my hand tight. Thank you for being there. Thank you that for quite some time, you made me feel good waking up at any time of the day. Thank you because you're you. Did I regret meeting you? No. If there is another lifetime, I hope I can meet you again. We'll be friends. Only friends. But now, I can't offer you that. I will be busy trying to fix the broken pieces of myself. I would like to be alone for the days to come. I would like to find myself again.
I love you, you know. And it hurts me that it doesn't go the way I like it to go. I learned now that there are things I wouldn't be able to plan. There are things that just wouldn't go even if I dedicate myself to it. It will hurt me for years yes, the way you hurt me, I will remember it bitterly. But rest assured that I will be strong and move on. Know in your heart that it's okay, that as we don't get to choose who we love, we also don't get to choose who hurts us. I will be strong and I will feel the pain until it hurts no more.
I hope the both of you will be happy. We only have one life. Let's have a good one.
Elsa, 2016
p.s In case you're wondering, I really do hope I will never see you again. *Laugh out loud*
Hi! How are you? These were the words we used to exchanged during our chats. Simple, but your name alone appearing in my phone screen's--just the fact that you're reaching out to me-- enough to make my heart skip a beat.
You are not from my league. You were not born and raised the way I have been. You only have your abusive father to raise you and the reality that your autistic brother is far from you. You didn't go to college and you don't have a stable job. You earn for a month what I do for a week. You have bad eating manners and your socializing skills sucks. But those things never became an issue for me because you were the first guy who was able to make me feel like a girl. You were the first person to make me see the things you swear you saw in me. You chat me in the most uncomfortable hours just to say you wish me a great day ahead and that if I ever need anything, you will always be there for me. You knew I am not someone who relies on others. You knew that I have live my life and survive this far by not expecting from anyone and yet, you always assured me that if I ever needed anything, you will always be there. I guess you will never know what it really feels like holding on to that words. You will never truly know how those words wound me now. We dated a couple of times and we always held hands. I never held any guy's hand before and I was surprise myself how it feels. It made me feel like I owe you that feeling. It's not everyday that another person can make you feel like... a woman.
We were so different. You like metal music while I prefer acoustic. You don't read manhua's while I'm screaming over it. From politics to simple dish in our dates, we have different taste. Its funny how you you captured my heart only with your long lashes and sincere words. Words, maybe I have fallen in love with your words. There are times when I swear, I could watch you all day do your stuffs and still admire you the same. Free me from this prison and yes, let me say that I love you.
I only found love twice my entire life and I have treasured it. It took me 9 years to moved on from my first love. Maybe that long because the universe knew that I am going to meet you. Love for me was divine. Its not something I can go experiment with to know what and when will be my limitations. I have only one heart and I thought that by protecting it all my life, I will be able to give you something no one can give you. My love for you exceeds that I am willing to give you my heart whole. All of it spoiled, all of it unbroken and strong.d
We had an agreement. I said that you will have me after a year. Just give me a year to prepare myself to be own. You know how I'm too strong willed and independent. It's not going to be fair to you if I accept you now then find you possessive later and break things with you. I never dated you for a petty relationship, and this embarrass me so much to admit but I plan on marrying you. Yes, I assumed that much. I have daydreams of you meeting my family and friends. You will find my mother too obsess in me. She may not like you at first. She may question how you're going to spoil me (I have live my life not in luxury but we always have more) but I can assure you that she's a good person. You have forgotten how it feels like to have a mother and with mine, I had hopes that you will feel complete again. My father too may not approve you. He had three daughters. Daughters. He was the only man in our lives and having someone to share with me now, of course, what will you expect of his reaction. But I am so sure you will like my sister. She was me in so many ways yet we're different. I can't say she will like you too but remember the first time we met? I didn't like you then. I will bring you to my other sister's graveyard. Something I will never do to another human being. I will let you meet her. I will let you talk to her. I don't know if she will like you because I remember her expecting someone like an overrated handsome and wealthy guy for me before, but I'm just going to say that I love you anyway. Knowing her, she will approve of you nonetheless. It's a happy thought isn't it? Me, sharing my life with you, building another with you. I am preparing myself for this. We are not getting any younger and because I'm the girl I should be the one to do all this. Yes, tease me all you want but I have fallen in love with you this much.
But this morning I saw a picture of you with someone else. A girl of my age maybe. I don't know, she looks a year or two younger than me. She's pretty. Our friends say she's adorable and they all approve of her. The two of you being a couple were a big news for everyone. Your friends congratulate you and she is so happy if I am on her shoes it maybe feels like I will fly. Don't think that I was totally surprise. I saw this coming for months now when I see your public conversations but, you know, defense like thing, I deny the probability of it. You promise me that you will wait for me. You promise me that I will be the only one from now on, that you wouldn't look into another girl the way you look to me and that after a year of giving me what I ask you of, we will be together. Now I know all of that was a lie.
You broke my heart. The heart I am going to give you whole, was now in pieces.
Why? Is it because you find me quite cunning? Maybe I like to do things on my own that much that I made you feel like I don't need you. But I am already sharing to you the things that bothers me at night. I am looking to you now to care for me, things I have never ever ask from anyone before. Why? Is it because she's prettier? But you're the type not to care about physical appearance. You care whether a person is interesting or not. You said so yourself. Maybe that was it, maybe she's too interesting that you couldn't help yourself at all. I couldn't blame you. I am boring. I am not worth at all. But why? Isn't my heart not enough? I know I'm not the girlfriend material girl but I can learn that. Everything I have now are the results of my patience to learn. I can learn how to be interesting too. If you would give me... if you would reconsider your decision...
I can't believe how I sound so selfish now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I couldn't blame you. This is my fault. I expected. I expected you to love me the way I love you. I allow myself to love you. I have destroyed the walls I carefully built for years and allowed you to hurt me. When I think of it, you didn't really hurt me at all. I hurt myself because I let my heart go beat unguarded. This is exactly why I grew doubtful of people. You think your words are easy but for me they came from your heart. And because I think like that, I thought every single one of them is sincere and true. I thought I can believe them. I thought I can believe you.
But you don't have to feel guilty now, my Starfish. After everything, I am still grateful to you. Thank you for the admiration you showed me. I never thought I'm beautiful until you said I am. Thank you for the nights you hold my hand tight. Thank you for being there. Thank you that for quite some time, you made me feel good waking up at any time of the day. Thank you because you're you. Did I regret meeting you? No. If there is another lifetime, I hope I can meet you again. We'll be friends. Only friends. But now, I can't offer you that. I will be busy trying to fix the broken pieces of myself. I would like to be alone for the days to come. I would like to find myself again.
I love you, you know. And it hurts me that it doesn't go the way I like it to go. I learned now that there are things I wouldn't be able to plan. There are things that just wouldn't go even if I dedicate myself to it. It will hurt me for years yes, the way you hurt me, I will remember it bitterly. But rest assured that I will be strong and move on. Know in your heart that it's okay, that as we don't get to choose who we love, we also don't get to choose who hurts us. I will be strong and I will feel the pain until it hurts no more.
I hope the both of you will be happy. We only have one life. Let's have a good one.
Elsa, 2016
p.s In case you're wondering, I really do hope I will never see you again. *Laugh out loud*
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