PAIN. It's been two years. Two hell of years trying to survive through this life without her. Its still as excrutiating as ever, making her eyes foggy and her throat tightens making it hard to breathe. She never intended to forget, yet she was ambivalent to have a flashback. People said she should cry, to ease the pain, but she knew better not to, for if she do she fear that she may forgot how to stop. "It feels like a never ending funeral" she said. Everything had been hurtful and even as two years had passed, it's like she can go back at that very moment, and find that nothing had ever change. The pain was still there, as it had been two years ago. Unchanging.
MEMORIES. When someone leaves, its the only thing left behind. The good old memories. Those that consist of the cozy nights in which they will talk about everything under the sun, share their dreams and hope that tomorrow will be better that today. She still hears her voice echoing in her head. She treasured that most especially. Its like she could give away anything at this very moment just to hear her voice calling her name again. Those edges of the house she doesn't want to change because it reminds her that once upon a time she had her youngest sister. The writings in that half filled notebook. The identification cards that portray how her sister had grown every school year. The empty bags. Even her favorite shirt, she kept them all. She make it sure that no matter what, those things wouldn't be taken away. Though the owner had gone to a far away place, everything should looked like she will be home at the end of the day.
TEARS. Those tiny water drops of humanity that came straight from a broken heart. Somehow, she owe them a lot. For when words fail, they were the only ones who can explain how painful things had been. She remembered how people listened to their story. One thing they wouldn't knew is that they really never understand. They don't know how it feels to be left behind. To moved on and be forced to continue living when all she ever wanted was to go back and prevent things from turning that way. That was it. Only tears can explain everything.
STRENGTH. People came during those dark days. Though they offer no comfort for her, they at least remind her that she should be strong. For her parents. For her other sister. She did. She had been a source of strength. But at the end of the day, no one had been strong for her. No ones there to tell her that its okay not to be okay. No one reminded her that she's made up of flesh and bone and that reason alone is enough to pour that aching heart aloud. Now, they keep on pursuing her to start a relationship with the opposite sex (two is better than one, they say), or at least try to have many friends (many is good) so she can start her life again. "They were wrong," she thought, "I pity them for asking me things I couldn't do". She was a survivor. "Why would I need anyone now?"
"She pulled her coat tighter about her and moved on down the street, peering into the curtain of snow ahead, as though she were trying to see into the future. But she was looking in the past, trying to understand when it was that all the laughter died."
-Sidney Sheldon, Rage of Angels (1980)
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