ALONE, RARE LONELY

Here I am, at the Starbucks Coffee, the clock reads 03:26pm. Just by myself, with a french vanilla latte frapuccino recommended by a friend who works here, a strawberry glazed belgian waffle and my laptop in front, in which my unedited manuscript was saved, the Microsoft Word cursor blinking waiting for my mind to settle and type a damn word that can be of use.

Ugggh!

I came here to write because I cannot seem to quiet my mind at home since the internet connection feels like dragging me into different worlds everytime. *laughs*. Somehow, I think Im really getting used to this solitary stuff. I am eating and strolling alone outside this pass years, observing people, hearing murmurs their voices creates but not undesranding a word and talking to myself on my head. I did not find it bothering nor did I feel lonely. Im just getting really used to this that possibly when someone invited me to tag along, I will seem rather uncomfortable.

The art of solitude. It suits me in all aspects. I have come to learn the difference of being alone and being lonely.

Alone? I am always alone. No matter where I go and no matter how many people I come to know, at the end of the day, I am always alone. People around me never gave me a chance to rely on them. I don't hate it, I am but thankful because in my aloneness, I found and befriended myself.

Lonely? sometimes. Im quite irritated that no one even bothers to educate me before that loneliness also felt like fear. My lonely days in the past makes me dread the upcoming night and in some way, the breaking dawn. Knowing that you don't have anyone to talk to (freely, pouring your heart out), but when you do you never felt understood, is terrifying.

I am always this strange so it doesn't surprise me at all when people always concluded that Im someone friendly but not a friend at all. Yes I have walls, but sometimes, I too long for someone to listen to my stories but its like Im not deserving for anybody.

Its depressing.

All these people around me here have someone to confide with and here I am without anyone. Its much strange that I am happy. If you thinks Im not, I should tell you I am really glad and satisfied with this arrangement of the universe. There are just people like me who are destined to live like this. I don't know.... but there is an absolute happiness in being alone. :)

SO YOU SAY YOU WANT TO KNOW ME

For all its worth, I want to say that I am not numb.

Yes, I am that introvert who is socially awkward, can't handle being around in the crowd for a day, talks little but is boring when I does, doesn't have that friends and is single but one thing I cannot allow is anyone saying and treating me like I am a heartless damsel.

I do believe in love, folks.

I believe that love has the capacity to make my soul creep out from its hiding place. I believe that there's someone out there who can sweep me off my feet, make me forget how to breathe and make me question how on earth did I survive before without him around.

I believe that love can shatter my sanity, shine a bright light in every inches of darkness I possess, turns my world upside down and make me feel alive and existing and living and all things will be vibrant and real and sound.

The problem is...

I don't

want

to meet

the person

who will

make me

like the kind of person

I listed above.



That explains why I don't let anyone in in my world. My wall was one of the strongest out there and I spend every day adding bricks on it. I never let just, mere people, who thinks Im stupid enough to believe them, see through me.

Why?

Because Im damage beyond repair. I've never loved before but I know a lot since Im into these romantic stuff for several days (well, not really the usual romantic types, but love was there, uggh! whatever). The point is, I don't want to realize how lonely I am, that no one knows me and understand me and can accept my atrocities. Because Im different and weird and no one wants a strange, boring person in their life.




Don't say I never tried changing myself. I did before, I open up, they made me believe that Im one of them, befriend me, see through me and at the end of the day, throw everything directly on my face.

Yes, hurt is inevitable when you love and that to love is to be brave and to give your all. But I cannot seem to understand why do I have to pretend being someone else for people to love me back? Its pathetic.

Advices I am getting from people during these days...

1. You should be more outgoing and a little flirty.

2. You must do dates.

3. Try meeting some boys out there.

4. Want me to introduce you to my friend? He's handsome.

5. Your conversations should start with clothes, travels, movies.. like that so you won't be boring.

The disgust.

I hate it.

Why do they keep changing me? Can they just accept that I am an introvert and this is how I want to be accepted.






I don't even know why I am spending an awful f*cking time trying to explain myself here.

Oh my goodness.




Im bored again.

THE END

When did I become an ending hater?

I think it started long ago, my age I cannot recall. It happened when my mother brought me my first novel to read, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I remember holding the book on my hands with wide smile on my face, opening it apart and smelling the pages. Then I examined the cover, the synopsis on the back and ran a finger on the spine. The thing is that I opened the last page and read the last paragraph before starting it from the beginning. I don't know why but it became my unminded rule when it comes to reading books. The same goes with me watching animes and series. I always watch the last 10minutes of the last episode first.

Even in my first novel, I have not finish writing the entirety of it but I already wrote the last paragraph, which I planned to place in the fourth book. :)

It makes me wonder now that I realize this weird habit of mine, how did I become like this?

I am aware that everything has to end--eventually. Nothing and no one will remain, yes, with the exception of our Lord Almighty and that force which they say "makes the world go round"--love. Aside from these two, all things will be reduce to nothing. Actually, I can't help but ask why in all our mortality do we still believe in forever.

I think its because we cannot comprehend endings. We were made without the capacity to accept that there are some things we cannot hold on to for eternity. If that was it then it explains why we continue to live our life (still) with the people we lose along the way. Whether its death or circumstances, we keep thinking how and why will we live even if they're not here with us. This might explains why even though we reached the end of our favorite movie, series or book and the conclusion satisfies us, we still can't help but think what goes beyond it.

I kinda realized now... maybe we are just infinite creatures. :P Our bodies will wear out and die but we cannot die at all. There is no death and the concept of ending is nothing but absurdity. We all goes beyond that, living, breathing or thinking is not the issue. I do believe we all goes beyond that.

COVER THAT HOLE

In one way or another, I think, everyone of us is somehow broken. We all have that hole carved in our hearts and we become willing to spend an entire lifetime searching what ever is it that will make it whole.

We were living in a fallen broken world so the sadness that become part of me does not surprise me at all. It is a word that always describes me ever since and I have manage to survive with it. A curse and a blessing having the capacity to feel deeply about everything.

But isn't my longing a universal cry? Are all the people around me never for once long for someone, for someplace, of something that will free them from the heart wrenching pain of never being satisfied?

....

I therefore, in all the brokeness I have, conclude that the loneliness each of us mortals have actually comes from the Divine Power. He had made us with that hole in our hearts that only He will be able to fill. Our world is constantly changing, we somehow needs someone who does not have this sense of time to change Him. We need unconditional love. A love that will never require us to have that money, that power, mansions and cars, fame and titles to be worthy of. We have our own choices. I choose to welcome that Divine Power today because of that hole in my heart that tends to consume me everyday. Im getting tired of nursing that hole anyway.

I hope you do too.

WHAT I WISH I KNEW WHEN I WAS TWENTY ONE

Somes says that things always make sense in the end. Well, these all makes sense now.

1. Sometimes it is not rainbow at the end of a storm, sometimes its fireworks. Literally.

2. Its okay to try new things. Seek your own adventure. When you find it good, you will be happy. When you not, at least you try.

3. Treasure your family. Say thank you to your parents for the things they've done and keep on doing. I just woke up one day realizing that Im blessed because of them. They're not perfect, but they were just what I needed. Love your sisters. Treat them as your best friends. I have come to despise television programs that depicts siblings as rivals for fucking wealth, attention and love. Holy crap! does their so called great directors ever knew what sacrifice and sharing means?

4. Remember: only strong ones forgive, it was a quality that seperates them from the weak.

5. I've experienced an overwhelming judgement and manipulation from the people who does not even know what my middle name is. I've learned through that that people have this nauseating tendency to drag others into the hell they're into. They will drag you more, if you let them.

6. The world is full of dumb people who speaks stupid things and thinks that they knew everything. You have to live with them though. Intelligent ones who mind their words are getting endangered now.

7. You are not alone. Many will make you feel like you are but do not listen to them. The world is inhabitated by those who think and feel like you do. I write. Not for my critics but for my people, so they will know they're not alone.

8. Read good books, not just entertaining ones. I have learned how to live on the pages of the books I read. Walk with the characters. See life as the authors do. I find it true that reading lets you have as many lifetimes as you want.

9. Trust the Lord. If you cannot trust Him then who else is left to trust? He is in control. Sometimes, things will seem like its not going to get any better but God is in the start and He he had already been in the finish line. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing.

10. In all cases, never ever disrecpect yourself. This has been the most liberating lesson I've learned the year round. Accept who you are. No one will do if you do not. Do what you want. Let them judge you, they cannot judge you enough. Let them rot in their own misery in knowing that you do what you want and that they cannot. Do not disrespect yourself by dancing in someone else music. Create your own music. And above all, do not live a life. Build you own life where others can live into.

I would gladly want to greet myself a happy birthday but Im still quite not sure if Im happy. But I find it a good thing, I can become very happy tomorrow if not today. :)))))

TIC TAC TOE

Things change.

People kept changing.

The sun always rise and set at the same direction but not those whom it shines for.

You love her so much to the point that you think your heart will burst out but today, you just woke up hating the day you met her.

You lose your mom in a car accident a year ago. During those four months of grief, you were convince that you weren't fit to live in a world without her anymore. Two years had past now and as those suicidal thoughts visit you at night, you were suddenly afraid to die.

Being a mother of two kids, you watch them go to their first day of school. They were shrieking, calling your name and begging you not to leave them alone. Last night, your conversation with your first born was tough. He was informing you that he's getting married but you don't like the girl. He was just informing you. Your permission would not matter.

You knew her like forever. You swore to each other--bestfriends forever. She goes abroad three years ago to follow my dreams, she says. You folow yours. The communication between the both of you, during those years, were little. Last night, you see her at your alumni homecoming. Your eyes met hers, she gives you a smile. Only a smile.

Things keep changing.

Peole keep changing.

Nothing last forever. We all know this. But at the end of the day, we keep on seeing ourselves having the kind of forever we always want.

We keep on believing on things that time couldn't touch. But we're aware that we do not own anything.

How utterly sad is to realize that as long as there is time, there will always be change.

FRAGMENTS OF TIME: INTRODUCTION

It was a very humid night when my sister, maybe drug from three hours of internet browsing, ask a question I keep on pondering for three days now. She had just knew 30 minutes ago that Im the author of a blog called Apples and Midnight Stories.

"Such courage", she exclaimed. It was, really.

"Well, it takes a strong woman to speak her mind diba?" I said, quoting the words of a famous Philippine talk show host.

We laughed.

"Why do you write, sister?" she teased.

For a moment, I ponder for the right words. Those that will shut her up. :p

Finally, I said, "Why wouldn't I?"



And it goes that way. Why wouldn't I? Why would the rest of the world will not? Writing on this site and on my journals are my way of talking to the universe.

Contrary to the usual belief, emotions and events have their equivalent words. I believe its necessary to write down those things that made you glad, put you to tears, reminds you of your fears and whatever emotions an event stirs up in you. Writing them down would somehow make the time stop. Those feelings, events and people that had been converted into words became immortal. Frozen forever in time.




Each of us has their own stories to tell, remembering hurts, but one day we'll realize that not being able to remember hurts more.

For the first time ever, I decided to remember my life. I will snatch those memories from the past and write it down making them untouchable by time.

Don't get me wrong though. Past is past and we were taught not to dwell with it anymore but I think there's beauty in sharing with the world those things that made you who you are.

After all, at the very end, we will all end up like the things we wrote down--stories.