They say that beginnings are always the hardest. I will begin to fulfill my dreams tomorrow. I want to live, for her and for me, for the both of us now. I cannot face her one day and tell her that I spend my life trying to forget the past but still living in it. I will be brave. I want to experience life and have something to give back to it.
For now, I am not yet sure how I can do that, or what will I need and where on earth will I start. But, well-- I want to go places and prove even to myself that no matter how cruel and unfair the world is, it is after all a beautiful place. I want to see people. I want to learn more. I will try and fill myself with stories, so that when I finally see her I can proudly tell her that I have lived a life.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
WAITING AND RECEIVING
IN THIS MOMENT by David Archuleta
Drivin' through the city
For the first time, you and me
Starrin' through window in my own reflection
How can a window encompass perfection
Now that I know what its like to be livin'
This beautiful world
Never stops givin'
I can't return to a life with no vision
Born into wise of my mind own decision
And I..
wanna be
in this moment
No one can take it away
And I..
wanna stay
in this moment
No one can take it away from me
Give me a chance and I'll show you what's real
Open my eyes and you'll see
That Im stuck in the moment
And no one can take it from me
I would have never known the beauty of this words until now. January 15, 2014. Its a glorious day for all of the new registered nurse named by the Professional Regulation Commission. I am one of them.
4864 Gaspar, Allyssa Joy Satin.
I feel ecstatic. Its like I can fly and touch the sky.
Those dreaded nights where gone. The tyranny of conscious mind: What if you don't make it? What if you make it? was behind me now.
I learned so much about waiting and of trusting to the ONE who knows what will happen tomorrow. As I am waiting for the result, I remember how hard it is to see the unseen, to believed for something you cannot see yet in the physical and what the word patience really is.
As of now, let me taste the moment. Let me rejoice that all the hard work I have invested had been paid of. It may be stupid of me. You may even say that I still have miles to go, but for now, and for the next thirty days to come, let me savor the victory I had prepared myself for four years.
Drivin' through the city
For the first time, you and me
Starrin' through window in my own reflection
How can a window encompass perfection
Now that I know what its like to be livin'
This beautiful world
Never stops givin'
I can't return to a life with no vision
Born into wise of my mind own decision
And I..
wanna be
in this moment
No one can take it away
And I..
wanna stay
in this moment
No one can take it away from me
Give me a chance and I'll show you what's real
Open my eyes and you'll see
That Im stuck in the moment
And no one can take it from me
I would have never known the beauty of this words until now. January 15, 2014. Its a glorious day for all of the new registered nurse named by the Professional Regulation Commission. I am one of them.
4864 Gaspar, Allyssa Joy Satin.
I feel ecstatic. Its like I can fly and touch the sky.
Those dreaded nights where gone. The tyranny of conscious mind: What if you don't make it? What if you make it? was behind me now.
I learned so much about waiting and of trusting to the ONE who knows what will happen tomorrow. As I am waiting for the result, I remember how hard it is to see the unseen, to believed for something you cannot see yet in the physical and what the word patience really is.
As of now, let me taste the moment. Let me rejoice that all the hard work I have invested had been paid of. It may be stupid of me. You may even say that I still have miles to go, but for now, and for the next thirty days to come, let me savor the victory I had prepared myself for four years.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
THAT NOTE IN MINOR C
Last December 23, 2013
The air was crisp. Nights longer than days. Children wearing their brand new sets of outfits. You can hear that soft music of christmas songs playing in the neighborhood. Everyone was busy buying gifts, planning what menu will be serve and place to spend the holidays to. Christmas is really in the air.
Christmas. December 25. The birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. By the way, be with me at this very moment and let's thank the Lord for giving us the most precious gift ever existed--Salvation. "I thank you Lord for saving my soul."
I had visited my friend last day. We had a conversation and it turns out bittersweet. She still misses her youngest sibling. She knew that for the years to come, christmas will always remind her of what she had lost, what she don't have and what she suppose to have but wouldn't be. I do think its crazy. Being happy and sad all along for the same day. She cannot be happy because she feels that any extreme happiness will be a betrayal to her sister who was not given a chance to feel life as she had. She feels that she should hold on and continue to grieve because its the only rope that connects her to her sister. In grief, she feels most close to her again. Like they'd been back in those good old days. She doesn't know how could it be, that she always want to experience life and yet cannot appreciate any of it. Yes, I know. She knows. You don't have to judge anymore.
I wonder how many broken hearts and broken souls was out there. Though in the midst of bright lights and laughter had manage to keep a happy face and at the end of the day finds themselves just the way it was before--alone. People say life is too short to waste that's why you have to live it to the fullest. I find it ironic that in loneliness and sadness, wisdom was there. You don't get any lesson worthy in happiness. And just like my instrument, people appreciate the minor c more than those in sharps.
The air was crisp. Nights longer than days. Children wearing their brand new sets of outfits. You can hear that soft music of christmas songs playing in the neighborhood. Everyone was busy buying gifts, planning what menu will be serve and place to spend the holidays to. Christmas is really in the air.
Christmas. December 25. The birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. By the way, be with me at this very moment and let's thank the Lord for giving us the most precious gift ever existed--Salvation. "I thank you Lord for saving my soul."
I had visited my friend last day. We had a conversation and it turns out bittersweet. She still misses her youngest sibling. She knew that for the years to come, christmas will always remind her of what she had lost, what she don't have and what she suppose to have but wouldn't be. I do think its crazy. Being happy and sad all along for the same day. She cannot be happy because she feels that any extreme happiness will be a betrayal to her sister who was not given a chance to feel life as she had. She feels that she should hold on and continue to grieve because its the only rope that connects her to her sister. In grief, she feels most close to her again. Like they'd been back in those good old days. She doesn't know how could it be, that she always want to experience life and yet cannot appreciate any of it. Yes, I know. She knows. You don't have to judge anymore.
I wonder how many broken hearts and broken souls was out there. Though in the midst of bright lights and laughter had manage to keep a happy face and at the end of the day finds themselves just the way it was before--alone. People say life is too short to waste that's why you have to live it to the fullest. I find it ironic that in loneliness and sadness, wisdom was there. You don't get any lesson worthy in happiness. And just like my instrument, people appreciate the minor c more than those in sharps.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
FOUR WORDS, ONE BROKEN HEART
PAIN. It's been two years. Two hell of years trying to survive through this life without her. Its still as excrutiating as ever, making her eyes foggy and her throat tightens making it hard to breathe. She never intended to forget, yet she was ambivalent to have a flashback. People said she should cry, to ease the pain, but she knew better not to, for if she do she fear that she may forgot how to stop. "It feels like a never ending funeral" she said. Everything had been hurtful and even as two years had passed, it's like she can go back at that very moment, and find that nothing had ever change. The pain was still there, as it had been two years ago. Unchanging.
MEMORIES. When someone leaves, its the only thing left behind. The good old memories. Those that consist of the cozy nights in which they will talk about everything under the sun, share their dreams and hope that tomorrow will be better that today. She still hears her voice echoing in her head. She treasured that most especially. Its like she could give away anything at this very moment just to hear her voice calling her name again. Those edges of the house she doesn't want to change because it reminds her that once upon a time she had her youngest sister. The writings in that half filled notebook. The identification cards that portray how her sister had grown every school year. The empty bags. Even her favorite shirt, she kept them all. She make it sure that no matter what, those things wouldn't be taken away. Though the owner had gone to a far away place, everything should looked like she will be home at the end of the day.
TEARS. Those tiny water drops of humanity that came straight from a broken heart. Somehow, she owe them a lot. For when words fail, they were the only ones who can explain how painful things had been. She remembered how people listened to their story. One thing they wouldn't knew is that they really never understand. They don't know how it feels to be left behind. To moved on and be forced to continue living when all she ever wanted was to go back and prevent things from turning that way. That was it. Only tears can explain everything.
STRENGTH. People came during those dark days. Though they offer no comfort for her, they at least remind her that she should be strong. For her parents. For her other sister. She did. She had been a source of strength. But at the end of the day, no one had been strong for her. No ones there to tell her that its okay not to be okay. No one reminded her that she's made up of flesh and bone and that reason alone is enough to pour that aching heart aloud. Now, they keep on pursuing her to start a relationship with the opposite sex (two is better than one, they say), or at least try to have many friends (many is good) so she can start her life again. "They were wrong," she thought, "I pity them for asking me things I couldn't do". She was a survivor. "Why would I need anyone now?"
"She pulled her coat tighter about her and moved on down the street, peering into the curtain of snow ahead, as though she were trying to see into the future. But she was looking in the past, trying to understand when it was that all the laughter died."
-Sidney Sheldon, Rage of Angels (1980)
MEMORIES. When someone leaves, its the only thing left behind. The good old memories. Those that consist of the cozy nights in which they will talk about everything under the sun, share their dreams and hope that tomorrow will be better that today. She still hears her voice echoing in her head. She treasured that most especially. Its like she could give away anything at this very moment just to hear her voice calling her name again. Those edges of the house she doesn't want to change because it reminds her that once upon a time she had her youngest sister. The writings in that half filled notebook. The identification cards that portray how her sister had grown every school year. The empty bags. Even her favorite shirt, she kept them all. She make it sure that no matter what, those things wouldn't be taken away. Though the owner had gone to a far away place, everything should looked like she will be home at the end of the day.
TEARS. Those tiny water drops of humanity that came straight from a broken heart. Somehow, she owe them a lot. For when words fail, they were the only ones who can explain how painful things had been. She remembered how people listened to their story. One thing they wouldn't knew is that they really never understand. They don't know how it feels to be left behind. To moved on and be forced to continue living when all she ever wanted was to go back and prevent things from turning that way. That was it. Only tears can explain everything.
STRENGTH. People came during those dark days. Though they offer no comfort for her, they at least remind her that she should be strong. For her parents. For her other sister. She did. She had been a source of strength. But at the end of the day, no one had been strong for her. No ones there to tell her that its okay not to be okay. No one reminded her that she's made up of flesh and bone and that reason alone is enough to pour that aching heart aloud. Now, they keep on pursuing her to start a relationship with the opposite sex (two is better than one, they say), or at least try to have many friends (many is good) so she can start her life again. "They were wrong," she thought, "I pity them for asking me things I couldn't do". She was a survivor. "Why would I need anyone now?"
"She pulled her coat tighter about her and moved on down the street, peering into the curtain of snow ahead, as though she were trying to see into the future. But she was looking in the past, trying to understand when it was that all the laughter died."
-Sidney Sheldon, Rage of Angels (1980)
Sunday, December 15, 2013
DIFFERENT, INDEED
I believe it when Albus Dumbledore said that "its the choices we make, Harry, that shows who we are, far more than our abilities."
Im at the stage of life when a person is given a chance to give everything in his capacity just so he can have his dreams come true. Those dreams that started on his childhood purified as he goes through life when he began to see the world more clearly. Cars. Houses. Money. Clothes. Gadgets. Fame. Fortune. Around the world in eighty days. Everything seems to be for them. All hardwork just to afford luxuries they couldn't have before. Eventually, those dreams will consist of forming a family. Meeting that prince or princess with the happily ever after. It seems to me like a cycle. A life set by the world's standards. A life I was forced to live.
I also dream dreams like that once, but as I learn to see the world at a different perspective, I know, deep in my being that I wanted more. I want to build a life people can live in. Maybe that explains my refusal to live my life on the standard. I dream of having a profession in which I can teach people to see themselves as someone special, special in a way God sees them. I want people around me to dream dreams not based on how big your house is but dreams that will let you live forever. I, who believe that I was place on earth at this very time and place to make a difference, always wants more. I want something that will shame those people who thinks they can buy my life with their golds.
For now, I plan to help my family and my fellow homo sapiens using the profession I invested my four years on. And when the courage inside of me burn intensely, consuming me inside and out, I will run. Run the race I always wanted to win from.
Im at the stage of life when a person is given a chance to give everything in his capacity just so he can have his dreams come true. Those dreams that started on his childhood purified as he goes through life when he began to see the world more clearly. Cars. Houses. Money. Clothes. Gadgets. Fame. Fortune. Around the world in eighty days. Everything seems to be for them. All hardwork just to afford luxuries they couldn't have before. Eventually, those dreams will consist of forming a family. Meeting that prince or princess with the happily ever after. It seems to me like a cycle. A life set by the world's standards. A life I was forced to live.
I also dream dreams like that once, but as I learn to see the world at a different perspective, I know, deep in my being that I wanted more. I want to build a life people can live in. Maybe that explains my refusal to live my life on the standard. I dream of having a profession in which I can teach people to see themselves as someone special, special in a way God sees them. I want people around me to dream dreams not based on how big your house is but dreams that will let you live forever. I, who believe that I was place on earth at this very time and place to make a difference, always wants more. I want something that will shame those people who thinks they can buy my life with their golds.
For now, I plan to help my family and my fellow homo sapiens using the profession I invested my four years on. And when the courage inside of me burn intensely, consuming me inside and out, I will run. Run the race I always wanted to win from.
BROKEN WORLD
Here I am again, finding myself in a place I always try to run from.
I feel lonely. Its the kind of loneliness when you want to go anywhere other than your bedroom. Somewhere far. Close to nature. A place where the cold wind could blow your hair behind and yet you won't mind.
:) :) :) :(
Long ago, I have learned that being lonely is inherent in humans. Its a reminder for us that we are still living in a fallen, broken world. And no matter how happy one's life would be, there will be those certain times when one will feel sad, and alone and forgotten, and for..... *sigh*
We introverts feel more lonely than anyone. That's what extroverts don't understand from us. We have a very huge capacity to feel. To think things. To remember. And yes, I don't know how could that be. All I want now is to talk to someone. Someone as normal as I am. Someone who wouldn't judge me for feeling this way. The problem is, I always find myself too dumb for words.
I should have called this post insanity.
Don't worry, I'll recover. Just give me five minutes.
I feel lonely. Its the kind of loneliness when you want to go anywhere other than your bedroom. Somewhere far. Close to nature. A place where the cold wind could blow your hair behind and yet you won't mind.
:) :) :) :(
Long ago, I have learned that being lonely is inherent in humans. Its a reminder for us that we are still living in a fallen, broken world. And no matter how happy one's life would be, there will be those certain times when one will feel sad, and alone and forgotten, and for..... *sigh*
We introverts feel more lonely than anyone. That's what extroverts don't understand from us. We have a very huge capacity to feel. To think things. To remember. And yes, I don't know how could that be. All I want now is to talk to someone. Someone as normal as I am. Someone who wouldn't judge me for feeling this way. The problem is, I always find myself too dumb for words.
I should have called this post insanity.
Don't worry, I'll recover. Just give me five minutes.
MISSING SOMETHING
I am having separation anxiety for three days now. Its weird. Im old enough to experience such and yet my mind keeps playing things Im supposed to have forgotten already. I was thinking that the reason for this is that unconciously, I am missing the busy world Im into for the last two months. The workaholics. The night life. The noisy jeepneys and even the anxious piles of people who keeps looking at their wrist-watches and patiently waiting for any kind of transportation that will bring them home. I am probably missing the examinations--those nasty bunch of papers that challenges me and the hundreds of topics and concepts I need to put up in my brain storage in a matter of hours. Or maybe its the classroom where I'd been to, filled with bunch of strangers that have their own stories to tell. Yes, I am having a separation anxiety and I find it very amusing.
Amusing in a sense that I realizes my new capacity of wanting to be in a crowd. Its an emotion I knew I don't have. Why would I? Im an introvert who always seeks my ME-time. But a thought suddenly occurs into me, maybe all these weird stuff is not because of the reasons I've mentioned. Its clear to me now. Its the time of the year I hated most. The wind blows colder and the night, longer than daylight. This is the time of the year when I cannot escape the fact that happened two years ago. When that days come, I have to remember things again and worse I may find myself in that very day, two years ago and feel the feelings I try to forget in so many ways. No matter what, I know I must begin to slip into stoicism. I cannot allow memories to surface, for when it does I fear that I may never know how to stop.
Amusing in a sense that I realizes my new capacity of wanting to be in a crowd. Its an emotion I knew I don't have. Why would I? Im an introvert who always seeks my ME-time. But a thought suddenly occurs into me, maybe all these weird stuff is not because of the reasons I've mentioned. Its clear to me now. Its the time of the year I hated most. The wind blows colder and the night, longer than daylight. This is the time of the year when I cannot escape the fact that happened two years ago. When that days come, I have to remember things again and worse I may find myself in that very day, two years ago and feel the feelings I try to forget in so many ways. No matter what, I know I must begin to slip into stoicism. I cannot allow memories to surface, for when it does I fear that I may never know how to stop.
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