There are times when I really wish I wasn't born. I feel sad a lot. I think a lot. I dream a lot. There are times when I wish that I was born different. Maybe if I was born in a different place, in different parents, in different circumstances... maybe I was a bit happier. Maybe I wasn't who I am now. Maybe I never need to write down things like this. Maybe I don't need to look at other people and ask myself why am I not like them. Why am I not always happy like them? Why does it hurt to live? Why do I feel how I feel? Maybe if I was a different person in a different place, maybe it wouldn't hurt like this.
But I wasn't.
I was born the way I was born and I grew up to be who I am now. I've gone through many hell of a shit and I live through them all and here I am now. I am still breathing. It is I who remains despite all the spit the world has thrown on me.
Silas walked across the path without disturbing a fallen leaf, and sat down on the bench beside Bod. "There are those," he said, in his silken voice, "who believe that all land is sacred. That it is sacred before we come to it, and sacred after. But here, in your land, they blessed the churches and the ground they set aside to bury people in, to make it holy. But they left land unconsecrated beside the sacred ground, Potter's Fields to bury he criminals and the suicides or those who were not of the faith."
"So the people buried in the ground on the other side of the fence are bad people?"
Silas raised one perfect eyebrow. "Mm? Oh, not at all. Let's see, it's been a while since I've been down that way. But I don't remember anyone particularly evil. Remember, in days gone by you could be hanged for stealing a shilling. And there are always people who find their lives have become so unsupportable they believe the best thing they could do would be to hasten their transition to another plane of existence."
"They kill themselves, you mean?" said Bod. He was about eight years old, wide-eyed and inquisitive, and he was not stupid.
"Indeed."
"Does it work? Are they happier dead?"
"Sometimes. Mostly, no. It's like the people who believe they'll be happy if they go and live somewhere else, but who learn it doesn't work that way. Wherever you go, you take yourself with you. If you see what I mean."
(The Graveyard's Book, Neil Gaiman)
And I realized I have no choice. I was born, nonetheless. I am existing here. I am alive. And all I could do was to decide what Im gonna do with the life and time I've been given. I have to decide and make choices I will regret the least.
It's okay to break down at times, right?
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
LET US DREAM
The thing is we are all gifted with the ability to dream.
We all see ourselves in a way beyond what we are now. We've been there. Standing in front of a mirror and see not what we are now but what we will be tomorrow. There is always a person there, staring back and smiling. As if reminding you how hard it is to reach what you will eventually reach if you never give up. As if telling you that hard work really pays off. As if whispering the words you too dream of hearing; I am so proud of what you've become. You can almost hear someone thanking you for your existence. That because of you someone persevere.
But there are also times when the person looking back at you is someone you knew well but doesn't want to see. Someone with big puffy eyes too tired to even explain what even going on. Someone wearing all the burden in the world inside that dark eye bags. Someone who's cheekbones become prominent from all the sleepless nights battling with demons whispering every ways of why it's impossible. It is these times when you feel like you just can't. You are so tired to even believe. And you will never get off this alive. The only thing you can do is give up and admit defeat. We are all afraid of failure. But not as much as the thought of being called one. Everyone feels like perfect. It is just you who the world is against of. It is just you who seems like there is no way but to surrender.
But I want to remind you that only those who give up are failures. It may be dark right now on where you are but it will be darker if you stay there. You have to remind yourself of what you want to become even if it feels nothing. You have to gather all the strength left in you to see the image again, of that better person in the mirror that you want to stare back at you someday, even if its blurred. What people around you says doesn't matter. All their encouragements are nothing if you stop believing that you will make it. I believe that eveything we need is in all that we are. We are all capable of greatness. It is born with us but like every organs in our body we have to take care of it.
We are all capable of reaching our dreams. This is one quality that makes us beautiful. And what are we if we don't have them? What it is to live for?
I just want to remind you how beautiful you are. And yes, be even more beautiful. Reach your dreams.
We all see ourselves in a way beyond what we are now. We've been there. Standing in front of a mirror and see not what we are now but what we will be tomorrow. There is always a person there, staring back and smiling. As if reminding you how hard it is to reach what you will eventually reach if you never give up. As if telling you that hard work really pays off. As if whispering the words you too dream of hearing; I am so proud of what you've become. You can almost hear someone thanking you for your existence. That because of you someone persevere.
But there are also times when the person looking back at you is someone you knew well but doesn't want to see. Someone with big puffy eyes too tired to even explain what even going on. Someone wearing all the burden in the world inside that dark eye bags. Someone who's cheekbones become prominent from all the sleepless nights battling with demons whispering every ways of why it's impossible. It is these times when you feel like you just can't. You are so tired to even believe. And you will never get off this alive. The only thing you can do is give up and admit defeat. We are all afraid of failure. But not as much as the thought of being called one. Everyone feels like perfect. It is just you who the world is against of. It is just you who seems like there is no way but to surrender.
But I want to remind you that only those who give up are failures. It may be dark right now on where you are but it will be darker if you stay there. You have to remind yourself of what you want to become even if it feels nothing. You have to gather all the strength left in you to see the image again, of that better person in the mirror that you want to stare back at you someday, even if its blurred. What people around you says doesn't matter. All their encouragements are nothing if you stop believing that you will make it. I believe that eveything we need is in all that we are. We are all capable of greatness. It is born with us but like every organs in our body we have to take care of it.
We are all capable of reaching our dreams. This is one quality that makes us beautiful. And what are we if we don't have them? What it is to live for?
I just want to remind you how beautiful you are. And yes, be even more beautiful. Reach your dreams.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
NOVEMBER 1
Its been almost two years since I last walked the graveyard where the physical body of my sister lies. Almost two years. Almost two years my career did hinder me a visit.
It was a refreshing day. The weather was warm. Thin clouds cover the sky and the wind blows cold. It even rains before we left the house. It was a perfect day for a visit. This year, my other sister's career made her unable to be with us since she was on duty that morning. So it was just me and my parents. We retraced the path of the graveyard with an emotion I know we all share but I couldn't name of. I walked behind them, watching as they took every careful steps that will lead us to her resting place. My mother holding my father's arm tight.
It was always with comfort to visit her during this season. The graveyard was packed with people. Families are gathered around tombs. Everyone was dresssed in gray or white clothes. Loud party music are prohibited. No burst of laughters can be heard. It is comforting to know that we are not the only one who lose someone dear to us. That death was fair in making each of us suffer because we are the ones left behind. I traveled the path to her tomb slowly. My mind drifted to the times I've been there. Head lifted and eyes looking forward to see that fuschia pink piece rectangular shaped stone. I suddenly become aware that I feel naked. As if everyone can see through me. As if everyone knows I lose my youngest sister five years ago. Five years ago, we were with relatives and friends. Five years ago, they still remember what we lose to that place and swore with us to never forget, to always remember that she too once lived with us. It was just five years. But it seems like we are the only one left to remember her. Six hours in that place and yet no one we knew came to visit her. Her friends stopped visiting us too, two years ago. Everyone felt like they've move on.
It is funny how I imagine her sitting with us during that day. Listening to me talking to our parents about relatives. Seeing how old our parents are now. My father enthusiastically repaints the letters of her name with gold acrylic. I imagine her hitting my father's head. Did she notice how our parents are now? Or how I look with my haircut? Did she felt too the way we learned to accept that we can never be whole again, not until the day we see her again? I imagine Bod too, a character from Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book. I imagine all the souls in that graveyard. I imagine how they must have felt being with the ones they love and seeing how time changes them. What must these souls feel like when they realized that time stopped changing them while their love ones grew old. White hair noticeable in every strand, their skin gets a little darker or whiter, small ones grew more height, even the way they talk change. Did all the souls in here felt a pang of pain too? Knowing they will never be able to tell the ones they love everything they want to? Not yet now. Maybe tomorrow.
Five years of not being with my youngest sister also changes me. The idea of dying doesn't seem to scare me for all these years. There is nothing to be afraid of. She will be waiting there on the other side. But the stories. I have to live for the moment so we will have many things to talk for eternity. This is what I realized under the sky beside her tomb. For you, my love, I will keep on living.
It was a refreshing day. The weather was warm. Thin clouds cover the sky and the wind blows cold. It even rains before we left the house. It was a perfect day for a visit. This year, my other sister's career made her unable to be with us since she was on duty that morning. So it was just me and my parents. We retraced the path of the graveyard with an emotion I know we all share but I couldn't name of. I walked behind them, watching as they took every careful steps that will lead us to her resting place. My mother holding my father's arm tight.
It was always with comfort to visit her during this season. The graveyard was packed with people. Families are gathered around tombs. Everyone was dresssed in gray or white clothes. Loud party music are prohibited. No burst of laughters can be heard. It is comforting to know that we are not the only one who lose someone dear to us. That death was fair in making each of us suffer because we are the ones left behind. I traveled the path to her tomb slowly. My mind drifted to the times I've been there. Head lifted and eyes looking forward to see that fuschia pink piece rectangular shaped stone. I suddenly become aware that I feel naked. As if everyone can see through me. As if everyone knows I lose my youngest sister five years ago. Five years ago, we were with relatives and friends. Five years ago, they still remember what we lose to that place and swore with us to never forget, to always remember that she too once lived with us. It was just five years. But it seems like we are the only one left to remember her. Six hours in that place and yet no one we knew came to visit her. Her friends stopped visiting us too, two years ago. Everyone felt like they've move on.
It is funny how I imagine her sitting with us during that day. Listening to me talking to our parents about relatives. Seeing how old our parents are now. My father enthusiastically repaints the letters of her name with gold acrylic. I imagine her hitting my father's head. Did she notice how our parents are now? Or how I look with my haircut? Did she felt too the way we learned to accept that we can never be whole again, not until the day we see her again? I imagine Bod too, a character from Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book. I imagine all the souls in that graveyard. I imagine how they must have felt being with the ones they love and seeing how time changes them. What must these souls feel like when they realized that time stopped changing them while their love ones grew old. White hair noticeable in every strand, their skin gets a little darker or whiter, small ones grew more height, even the way they talk change. Did all the souls in here felt a pang of pain too? Knowing they will never be able to tell the ones they love everything they want to? Not yet now. Maybe tomorrow.
Five years of not being with my youngest sister also changes me. The idea of dying doesn't seem to scare me for all these years. There is nothing to be afraid of. She will be waiting there on the other side. But the stories. I have to live for the moment so we will have many things to talk for eternity. This is what I realized under the sky beside her tomb. For you, my love, I will keep on living.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
LEFT BEHIND
The Reasons I gave up
I have told you I like you but the truth is that I told myself that I love you.
You're angry with me. Not only because I cut all our ties but because I gave up on you easily. I let you go after seeing that picture of you with another girl and hearing rumors. I didn't even asked for your explanation. I didn't even said goodbye.
You're one of the good things that happened to me this year.
You're maybe stupid, careless, immature and all but I don't care. You know I don't care. I love you and I thought that with you we can be better persons. You and I, together. How many times did you waste my time? How many times did you say you wouln't do what I don't want you to do but do it anyway after? Do you remember the things I brushed off because you're stubborn and doesn't know how to ask for forgiveness? Despite all, I have forgiven you over and over because that's how I know how to love. That's how people who loves me do. That's how I believe love is.
But I despise people who promises things they didn't mean. It was one of your quality that I couldn't trust. And trust in love is everything. Tell me now love, what happened to you after promising me that I'll be the one? What happened after the night you held my hand tight and swear that you're going to love me from here and now? How in the world could you just... just forget that? How could you touch my soul and leave me behind... as easy, as simple like that? You didn't even try to prove yourself. You didn't ask if I'm hurt. You just left me asking the universe why. As if I don't amount to anything. As if I'm not worthy to stay. Despensable. Ordinary. Like I can be replace just... just like that.
Maybe you never love me at all.
Maybe I was just deluding myself that our feelings are mutual. Maybe you were trying to tell me that you're sorry you made me feel special and you're about to leave me all these times but I failed to listen. I failed to notice the hints. Its just not right. I am not the right person for you. I thought I am. For heaven's sake, I thought I am.
But this will be the last piece I'm going to write for you. I have to keep moving. No matter what I have to move and keep living. I owe stories for my little sister. We will one day meet again and I have to tell her all the things I did with my life. I will tell her how you broke my heart and then I have to tell her what I become after you did and I wish its all for the better. This will be the last piece that will be about you and I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. Separately.
I have told you I like you but the truth is that I told myself that I love you.
You're angry with me. Not only because I cut all our ties but because I gave up on you easily. I let you go after seeing that picture of you with another girl and hearing rumors. I didn't even asked for your explanation. I didn't even said goodbye.
You're one of the good things that happened to me this year.
You're maybe stupid, careless, immature and all but I don't care. You know I don't care. I love you and I thought that with you we can be better persons. You and I, together. How many times did you waste my time? How many times did you say you wouln't do what I don't want you to do but do it anyway after? Do you remember the things I brushed off because you're stubborn and doesn't know how to ask for forgiveness? Despite all, I have forgiven you over and over because that's how I know how to love. That's how people who loves me do. That's how I believe love is.
But I despise people who promises things they didn't mean. It was one of your quality that I couldn't trust. And trust in love is everything. Tell me now love, what happened to you after promising me that I'll be the one? What happened after the night you held my hand tight and swear that you're going to love me from here and now? How in the world could you just... just forget that? How could you touch my soul and leave me behind... as easy, as simple like that? You didn't even try to prove yourself. You didn't ask if I'm hurt. You just left me asking the universe why. As if I don't amount to anything. As if I'm not worthy to stay. Despensable. Ordinary. Like I can be replace just... just like that.
Maybe you never love me at all.
Maybe I was just deluding myself that our feelings are mutual. Maybe you were trying to tell me that you're sorry you made me feel special and you're about to leave me all these times but I failed to listen. I failed to notice the hints. Its just not right. I am not the right person for you. I thought I am. For heaven's sake, I thought I am.
But this will be the last piece I'm going to write for you. I have to keep moving. No matter what I have to move and keep living. I owe stories for my little sister. We will one day meet again and I have to tell her all the things I did with my life. I will tell her how you broke my heart and then I have to tell her what I become after you did and I wish its all for the better. This will be the last piece that will be about you and I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy. Separately.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
BROKENHEART
Starfish,
Hi! How are you? These were the words we used to exchanged during our chats. Simple, but your name alone appearing in my phone screen's--just the fact that you're reaching out to me-- enough to make my heart skip a beat.
You are not from my league. You were not born and raised the way I have been. You only have your abusive father to raise you and the reality that your autistic brother is far from you. You didn't go to college and you don't have a stable job. You earn for a month what I do for a week. You have bad eating manners and your socializing skills sucks. But those things never became an issue for me because you were the first guy who was able to make me feel like a girl. You were the first person to make me see the things you swear you saw in me. You chat me in the most uncomfortable hours just to say you wish me a great day ahead and that if I ever need anything, you will always be there for me. You knew I am not someone who relies on others. You knew that I have live my life and survive this far by not expecting from anyone and yet, you always assured me that if I ever needed anything, you will always be there. I guess you will never know what it really feels like holding on to that words. You will never truly know how those words wound me now. We dated a couple of times and we always held hands. I never held any guy's hand before and I was surprise myself how it feels. It made me feel like I owe you that feeling. It's not everyday that another person can make you feel like... a woman.
We were so different. You like metal music while I prefer acoustic. You don't read manhua's while I'm screaming over it. From politics to simple dish in our dates, we have different taste. Its funny how you you captured my heart only with your long lashes and sincere words. Words, maybe I have fallen in love with your words. There are times when I swear, I could watch you all day do your stuffs and still admire you the same. Free me from this prison and yes, let me say that I love you.
I only found love twice my entire life and I have treasured it. It took me 9 years to moved on from my first love. Maybe that long because the universe knew that I am going to meet you. Love for me was divine. Its not something I can go experiment with to know what and when will be my limitations. I have only one heart and I thought that by protecting it all my life, I will be able to give you something no one can give you. My love for you exceeds that I am willing to give you my heart whole. All of it spoiled, all of it unbroken and strong.d
We had an agreement. I said that you will have me after a year. Just give me a year to prepare myself to be own. You know how I'm too strong willed and independent. It's not going to be fair to you if I accept you now then find you possessive later and break things with you. I never dated you for a petty relationship, and this embarrass me so much to admit but I plan on marrying you. Yes, I assumed that much. I have daydreams of you meeting my family and friends. You will find my mother too obsess in me. She may not like you at first. She may question how you're going to spoil me (I have live my life not in luxury but we always have more) but I can assure you that she's a good person. You have forgotten how it feels like to have a mother and with mine, I had hopes that you will feel complete again. My father too may not approve you. He had three daughters. Daughters. He was the only man in our lives and having someone to share with me now, of course, what will you expect of his reaction. But I am so sure you will like my sister. She was me in so many ways yet we're different. I can't say she will like you too but remember the first time we met? I didn't like you then. I will bring you to my other sister's graveyard. Something I will never do to another human being. I will let you meet her. I will let you talk to her. I don't know if she will like you because I remember her expecting someone like an overrated handsome and wealthy guy for me before, but I'm just going to say that I love you anyway. Knowing her, she will approve of you nonetheless. It's a happy thought isn't it? Me, sharing my life with you, building another with you. I am preparing myself for this. We are not getting any younger and because I'm the girl I should be the one to do all this. Yes, tease me all you want but I have fallen in love with you this much.
But this morning I saw a picture of you with someone else. A girl of my age maybe. I don't know, she looks a year or two younger than me. She's pretty. Our friends say she's adorable and they all approve of her. The two of you being a couple were a big news for everyone. Your friends congratulate you and she is so happy if I am on her shoes it maybe feels like I will fly. Don't think that I was totally surprise. I saw this coming for months now when I see your public conversations but, you know, defense like thing, I deny the probability of it. You promise me that you will wait for me. You promise me that I will be the only one from now on, that you wouldn't look into another girl the way you look to me and that after a year of giving me what I ask you of, we will be together. Now I know all of that was a lie.
You broke my heart. The heart I am going to give you whole, was now in pieces.
Why? Is it because you find me quite cunning? Maybe I like to do things on my own that much that I made you feel like I don't need you. But I am already sharing to you the things that bothers me at night. I am looking to you now to care for me, things I have never ever ask from anyone before. Why? Is it because she's prettier? But you're the type not to care about physical appearance. You care whether a person is interesting or not. You said so yourself. Maybe that was it, maybe she's too interesting that you couldn't help yourself at all. I couldn't blame you. I am boring. I am not worth at all. But why? Isn't my heart not enough? I know I'm not the girlfriend material girl but I can learn that. Everything I have now are the results of my patience to learn. I can learn how to be interesting too. If you would give me... if you would reconsider your decision...
I can't believe how I sound so selfish now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I couldn't blame you. This is my fault. I expected. I expected you to love me the way I love you. I allow myself to love you. I have destroyed the walls I carefully built for years and allowed you to hurt me. When I think of it, you didn't really hurt me at all. I hurt myself because I let my heart go beat unguarded. This is exactly why I grew doubtful of people. You think your words are easy but for me they came from your heart. And because I think like that, I thought every single one of them is sincere and true. I thought I can believe them. I thought I can believe you.
But you don't have to feel guilty now, my Starfish. After everything, I am still grateful to you. Thank you for the admiration you showed me. I never thought I'm beautiful until you said I am. Thank you for the nights you hold my hand tight. Thank you for being there. Thank you that for quite some time, you made me feel good waking up at any time of the day. Thank you because you're you. Did I regret meeting you? No. If there is another lifetime, I hope I can meet you again. We'll be friends. Only friends. But now, I can't offer you that. I will be busy trying to fix the broken pieces of myself. I would like to be alone for the days to come. I would like to find myself again.
I love you, you know. And it hurts me that it doesn't go the way I like it to go. I learned now that there are things I wouldn't be able to plan. There are things that just wouldn't go even if I dedicate myself to it. It will hurt me for years yes, the way you hurt me, I will remember it bitterly. But rest assured that I will be strong and move on. Know in your heart that it's okay, that as we don't get to choose who we love, we also don't get to choose who hurts us. I will be strong and I will feel the pain until it hurts no more.
I hope the both of you will be happy. We only have one life. Let's have a good one.
Elsa, 2016
p.s In case you're wondering, I really do hope I will never see you again. *Laugh out loud*
Hi! How are you? These were the words we used to exchanged during our chats. Simple, but your name alone appearing in my phone screen's--just the fact that you're reaching out to me-- enough to make my heart skip a beat.
You are not from my league. You were not born and raised the way I have been. You only have your abusive father to raise you and the reality that your autistic brother is far from you. You didn't go to college and you don't have a stable job. You earn for a month what I do for a week. You have bad eating manners and your socializing skills sucks. But those things never became an issue for me because you were the first guy who was able to make me feel like a girl. You were the first person to make me see the things you swear you saw in me. You chat me in the most uncomfortable hours just to say you wish me a great day ahead and that if I ever need anything, you will always be there for me. You knew I am not someone who relies on others. You knew that I have live my life and survive this far by not expecting from anyone and yet, you always assured me that if I ever needed anything, you will always be there. I guess you will never know what it really feels like holding on to that words. You will never truly know how those words wound me now. We dated a couple of times and we always held hands. I never held any guy's hand before and I was surprise myself how it feels. It made me feel like I owe you that feeling. It's not everyday that another person can make you feel like... a woman.
We were so different. You like metal music while I prefer acoustic. You don't read manhua's while I'm screaming over it. From politics to simple dish in our dates, we have different taste. Its funny how you you captured my heart only with your long lashes and sincere words. Words, maybe I have fallen in love with your words. There are times when I swear, I could watch you all day do your stuffs and still admire you the same. Free me from this prison and yes, let me say that I love you.
I only found love twice my entire life and I have treasured it. It took me 9 years to moved on from my first love. Maybe that long because the universe knew that I am going to meet you. Love for me was divine. Its not something I can go experiment with to know what and when will be my limitations. I have only one heart and I thought that by protecting it all my life, I will be able to give you something no one can give you. My love for you exceeds that I am willing to give you my heart whole. All of it spoiled, all of it unbroken and strong.d
We had an agreement. I said that you will have me after a year. Just give me a year to prepare myself to be own. You know how I'm too strong willed and independent. It's not going to be fair to you if I accept you now then find you possessive later and break things with you. I never dated you for a petty relationship, and this embarrass me so much to admit but I plan on marrying you. Yes, I assumed that much. I have daydreams of you meeting my family and friends. You will find my mother too obsess in me. She may not like you at first. She may question how you're going to spoil me (I have live my life not in luxury but we always have more) but I can assure you that she's a good person. You have forgotten how it feels like to have a mother and with mine, I had hopes that you will feel complete again. My father too may not approve you. He had three daughters. Daughters. He was the only man in our lives and having someone to share with me now, of course, what will you expect of his reaction. But I am so sure you will like my sister. She was me in so many ways yet we're different. I can't say she will like you too but remember the first time we met? I didn't like you then. I will bring you to my other sister's graveyard. Something I will never do to another human being. I will let you meet her. I will let you talk to her. I don't know if she will like you because I remember her expecting someone like an overrated handsome and wealthy guy for me before, but I'm just going to say that I love you anyway. Knowing her, she will approve of you nonetheless. It's a happy thought isn't it? Me, sharing my life with you, building another with you. I am preparing myself for this. We are not getting any younger and because I'm the girl I should be the one to do all this. Yes, tease me all you want but I have fallen in love with you this much.
But this morning I saw a picture of you with someone else. A girl of my age maybe. I don't know, she looks a year or two younger than me. She's pretty. Our friends say she's adorable and they all approve of her. The two of you being a couple were a big news for everyone. Your friends congratulate you and she is so happy if I am on her shoes it maybe feels like I will fly. Don't think that I was totally surprise. I saw this coming for months now when I see your public conversations but, you know, defense like thing, I deny the probability of it. You promise me that you will wait for me. You promise me that I will be the only one from now on, that you wouldn't look into another girl the way you look to me and that after a year of giving me what I ask you of, we will be together. Now I know all of that was a lie.
You broke my heart. The heart I am going to give you whole, was now in pieces.
Why? Is it because you find me quite cunning? Maybe I like to do things on my own that much that I made you feel like I don't need you. But I am already sharing to you the things that bothers me at night. I am looking to you now to care for me, things I have never ever ask from anyone before. Why? Is it because she's prettier? But you're the type not to care about physical appearance. You care whether a person is interesting or not. You said so yourself. Maybe that was it, maybe she's too interesting that you couldn't help yourself at all. I couldn't blame you. I am boring. I am not worth at all. But why? Isn't my heart not enough? I know I'm not the girlfriend material girl but I can learn that. Everything I have now are the results of my patience to learn. I can learn how to be interesting too. If you would give me... if you would reconsider your decision...
I can't believe how I sound so selfish now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I couldn't blame you. This is my fault. I expected. I expected you to love me the way I love you. I allow myself to love you. I have destroyed the walls I carefully built for years and allowed you to hurt me. When I think of it, you didn't really hurt me at all. I hurt myself because I let my heart go beat unguarded. This is exactly why I grew doubtful of people. You think your words are easy but for me they came from your heart. And because I think like that, I thought every single one of them is sincere and true. I thought I can believe them. I thought I can believe you.
But you don't have to feel guilty now, my Starfish. After everything, I am still grateful to you. Thank you for the admiration you showed me. I never thought I'm beautiful until you said I am. Thank you for the nights you hold my hand tight. Thank you for being there. Thank you that for quite some time, you made me feel good waking up at any time of the day. Thank you because you're you. Did I regret meeting you? No. If there is another lifetime, I hope I can meet you again. We'll be friends. Only friends. But now, I can't offer you that. I will be busy trying to fix the broken pieces of myself. I would like to be alone for the days to come. I would like to find myself again.
I love you, you know. And it hurts me that it doesn't go the way I like it to go. I learned now that there are things I wouldn't be able to plan. There are things that just wouldn't go even if I dedicate myself to it. It will hurt me for years yes, the way you hurt me, I will remember it bitterly. But rest assured that I will be strong and move on. Know in your heart that it's okay, that as we don't get to choose who we love, we also don't get to choose who hurts us. I will be strong and I will feel the pain until it hurts no more.
I hope the both of you will be happy. We only have one life. Let's have a good one.
Elsa, 2016
p.s In case you're wondering, I really do hope I will never see you again. *Laugh out loud*
Sunday, May 15, 2016
THE KIND PERSON
All my life I have always believed that what you reap is what you sow. You smile to the world and the world will smile to you. Do to others what you want themto do to you.
I have keep those words close to me as I grow older. I have abandon some of the teachings that my parents and teachers taught me but not these golden rules. Everyday I go out in the world, those were the words I have in mind and those were what I use to interact with people. "Treat others fair, and they will treat you fair."
But everyday, the world seems to be doing its best to prove me wrong. It is an unfair world. Cruelty is a just reaction in a cruel this place.
You treat others with kindness just as you want others to treat you but some people just make you feel like you're the worst person they've ever knew existed. Yes, there are these days when people just don't feel like being kind and you have to accept it and understand them because maybe tomorrow they'll feel better and they will say nice things to you but... what about the damage you already received from the other day? What about the insults you already heard because people just feel bad about themselves and it's their way of coping with what they feel? Does everyone like me who still see the world as a good a place despite the fact that evil is here should just sit tight and accept that we are the ones who understand and therefore remain forgiving? I wonder how long would I still be kind after every hurt I received from the people around me. Words are weapons. If the cuts they give were only visible, maybe I'll walk around each day covered in bandages--still smiling like a fool.
The saying that humans can easily forgot that others are human too hasn't struck me hard before as it is now. The world is full of motherfucking bastards who easily forgot that what hurts them can also hurt others. That the same words that can humiliate them can also humiliate others. The world has its way of making you one of its own, and if you're not careful, you will one day wake up believing that you are better than anyone else. You will forget the old sayings about being kind. You will find your heart as cold as a desert at night and before you know it, you are already looking in the mirror and see that the person looking back at you became the person you once hated most.
But there is hope for us.
We can remain the person we want to be by always, always being who we are. Treat others like you want them to treat you. Be fair with no exception but keep in mind that this world isn't and never expect it to be. Forgive them. Every day, wake up, breath deeply and tell yourself that strength and power isn't measured by how high you are above others but how you remain true to who you are after all the cuts you received from every fucking assholes you encounter yesterday. Be gentle, Believe in all things good. Make the world a better place. Yes, no one will build a statue for you, give you an Oscar's for being the kindest person ever walk this earth or cannonize you and name you a saint, but at least, you will die yourself. The world and its people will fail making you one of its own. You will die with a smile in your face knowing that you defeated the world. And I guess there is no way of dying I will wish other than that.
I have keep those words close to me as I grow older. I have abandon some of the teachings that my parents and teachers taught me but not these golden rules. Everyday I go out in the world, those were the words I have in mind and those were what I use to interact with people. "Treat others fair, and they will treat you fair."
But everyday, the world seems to be doing its best to prove me wrong. It is an unfair world. Cruelty is a just reaction in a cruel this place.
You treat others with kindness just as you want others to treat you but some people just make you feel like you're the worst person they've ever knew existed. Yes, there are these days when people just don't feel like being kind and you have to accept it and understand them because maybe tomorrow they'll feel better and they will say nice things to you but... what about the damage you already received from the other day? What about the insults you already heard because people just feel bad about themselves and it's their way of coping with what they feel? Does everyone like me who still see the world as a good a place despite the fact that evil is here should just sit tight and accept that we are the ones who understand and therefore remain forgiving? I wonder how long would I still be kind after every hurt I received from the people around me. Words are weapons. If the cuts they give were only visible, maybe I'll walk around each day covered in bandages--still smiling like a fool.
The saying that humans can easily forgot that others are human too hasn't struck me hard before as it is now. The world is full of motherfucking bastards who easily forgot that what hurts them can also hurt others. That the same words that can humiliate them can also humiliate others. The world has its way of making you one of its own, and if you're not careful, you will one day wake up believing that you are better than anyone else. You will forget the old sayings about being kind. You will find your heart as cold as a desert at night and before you know it, you are already looking in the mirror and see that the person looking back at you became the person you once hated most.
But there is hope for us.
We can remain the person we want to be by always, always being who we are. Treat others like you want them to treat you. Be fair with no exception but keep in mind that this world isn't and never expect it to be. Forgive them. Every day, wake up, breath deeply and tell yourself that strength and power isn't measured by how high you are above others but how you remain true to who you are after all the cuts you received from every fucking assholes you encounter yesterday. Be gentle, Believe in all things good. Make the world a better place. Yes, no one will build a statue for you, give you an Oscar's for being the kindest person ever walk this earth or cannonize you and name you a saint, but at least, you will die yourself. The world and its people will fail making you one of its own. You will die with a smile in your face knowing that you defeated the world. And I guess there is no way of dying I will wish other than that.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
RE:THE ORIGINALS CAMI'S DEATH
Of all the death scenes I've read and watched in my entire fangirl life, Camille O' Conell (Cami)--a main character in The Originals series, has the most realistic, heart wrenching and unforgettable death of them all. The 5 minutes scene of her captures me so intensely that I feel like I have to analyze and write it down so this emotion she made me feel will not be in vain.
Cami was actually one of my favorite character in the Originals. She was a human from the start, constantly believing that the world is not an awful place despite being hurt by others and witnessing instances when people continue to use people for their own good. She believes in life, in goodness and in the need of everyone to have their own choice. Then she bacame a vampire (she despised this the most because it rob her of her ability to die on her own).
She showed some I've-changed moments but deep inside, she triumphs in being true to herself. Then came the enemy of the love of her life (Niklaus Mikaelson). This was the turning point as she becomes a casualty of the Mikaelson's war.
Excerpt. The Originals Season 3 Episode 19.
Klaus: Some demons will not be tamed.
Cami: Maybe we should do the best we can and never give up. (Almost fainting) I'm tired.
Klaus: Camille...
Klaus: It's funny, I know we're so different... I feel like I've always known you. Maybe its because I've been in your mind, or maybe that's just how you know you love someone.
Klaus: I do love you, you know.
Cami: I thought you're gonna tell me that tomorrow. I really don't have another tomorrow do I? Then why is the people, will you make them go away?
Klaus: Your heart is slowing, but it still beats, you're fighting, because you want to live.
Cami: I wanted to be brave. I want to handle this with dignity, but i can't, I don't want to go, I'm so scared.
Klaus: I'm here, I'm here.
Cami: So much for the brave bartender huh. When I said I was ready to die I was so full of it. Oh, I just wish I had done more than serve a few drinks and... completely use of your therapist,
Klaus: Don't you think for a moment that you failed me. You stayed my hand, quelled my rage, you inspired goodness in me and unlike all of the souls I encountered and forgotten in the long march of time, I will carry you with me.
Cami: Guess that makes me immortal.
Cami: Do you know the bible verse when John's head was struck?
Klaus: The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.
Cami: I was never naive enough to believe that I was your light, but there's light in you. All the cycle of abuse that Mikael began, you can end it. You have to. So you can be the light for your little girl. For Hope.
Klaus: Do not be afraid. You go now, while many have gone before you and even I will go in time, just now there will be no more pain, no more heartbreak. You, will find peace.
It was so real I cried many times as I replayed it. And it was so ideal I wish my death will be like this.
Ideal? Maybe because although I believe death is something we must all face alone, we need someone by our side during our final hour. Someone who will kiss us goodbye. Someone who will be brave for us when we finally forgot what bravery and courage means.
Cami was so honest when she said that she already made her peace with dying and that she wanted to be brave, but she was so scared. We always say that we are not adraid to die. I wonder what kind of fear will I experience in the face of death and I guess its not dying itself we are really afraid of. Cami admits that she wish she could have done more and I realize that that was the very thing we fear. We fear that we have not done enough with our lives. We fear to realize that we wasted it. We fear that there is so much to do and we will not be able to do it anymore. We silently beg for more years but we know there is no more years. I think that is really scary. But Klaus assured her, saying she had not for once failed him and he reminded her of the things she had done. We will all need someone like that, will we? Someone who will remind us of how great we are, how much our lives occupied the lives of the people who meant the world to us and even the small wonderful things about us, things we can easily forgot during the worst times. And finally, someone who will promise us that we will not be forgotten. "...and unlike all the souls I encountered and forgotten in the long march of time, I will carry you with me." Oh sweet heavens, is that what we all want? Isn't oblivion the scariest thing there is? Isn't the thought of being forgotten what makes death not a topic you would discuss with your friends? But in that scene, Klaus promising that he will never forget was what comforts Cami. She settles in the thought that there was nothing to be afraid of. She will die in the arms of the man she loved. If that isn't the sweetest thing, I don't know what is.
Cami's last moment was her turn to remind Klaus that there is light in him and that he should be the light for his daughter. I imagine my death. I hope that when it comes, I will be able to tell the people I love to keep on living. To live and be the guiding life to others. And that we will meet again. If we can still be who we are in the afterlife, I hope we will meet again.
This scene is so beautiful, I'm in tears as I ponder on this.
I never think death as a topic I should keep silent about. Some say that death is the end of life, that there is nothing in it but darkness. I always think otherwise. I've witness far more deaths in my profession than an average person is allowed, and you know what it taught me? Every death is unique and meaningful. It screams silently but oddly you can hear it well. It's trying to say a thousand words at the same time and you can understand it well. Death would come for us sooner or later and it's something we should look forward to. Its only in knowing that we will eventually die that I believe we can really live a life.
I don't want to forget how this one fictional scene made me feel. And I am happy. I am happy that I am a girl I can be proud of. Yes, I am living between the pages of the books I read, in the scenes I watched and inside the world I've written. Fiction is more real to me than this world. And I am not ashame of it.
Cami was actually one of my favorite character in the Originals. She was a human from the start, constantly believing that the world is not an awful place despite being hurt by others and witnessing instances when people continue to use people for their own good. She believes in life, in goodness and in the need of everyone to have their own choice. Then she bacame a vampire (she despised this the most because it rob her of her ability to die on her own).
She showed some I've-changed moments but deep inside, she triumphs in being true to herself. Then came the enemy of the love of her life (Niklaus Mikaelson). This was the turning point as she becomes a casualty of the Mikaelson's war.
Excerpt. The Originals Season 3 Episode 19.
Klaus: Some demons will not be tamed.
Cami: Maybe we should do the best we can and never give up. (Almost fainting) I'm tired.
Klaus: Camille...
Klaus: It's funny, I know we're so different... I feel like I've always known you. Maybe its because I've been in your mind, or maybe that's just how you know you love someone.
Klaus: I do love you, you know.
Cami: I thought you're gonna tell me that tomorrow. I really don't have another tomorrow do I? Then why is the people, will you make them go away?
Klaus: Your heart is slowing, but it still beats, you're fighting, because you want to live.
Cami: I wanted to be brave. I want to handle this with dignity, but i can't, I don't want to go, I'm so scared.
Klaus: I'm here, I'm here.
Cami: So much for the brave bartender huh. When I said I was ready to die I was so full of it. Oh, I just wish I had done more than serve a few drinks and... completely use of your therapist,
Klaus: Don't you think for a moment that you failed me. You stayed my hand, quelled my rage, you inspired goodness in me and unlike all of the souls I encountered and forgotten in the long march of time, I will carry you with me.
Cami: Guess that makes me immortal.
Cami: Do you know the bible verse when John's head was struck?
Klaus: The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.
Cami: I was never naive enough to believe that I was your light, but there's light in you. All the cycle of abuse that Mikael began, you can end it. You have to. So you can be the light for your little girl. For Hope.
Klaus: Do not be afraid. You go now, while many have gone before you and even I will go in time, just now there will be no more pain, no more heartbreak. You, will find peace.
It was so real I cried many times as I replayed it. And it was so ideal I wish my death will be like this.
Ideal? Maybe because although I believe death is something we must all face alone, we need someone by our side during our final hour. Someone who will kiss us goodbye. Someone who will be brave for us when we finally forgot what bravery and courage means.
Cami was so honest when she said that she already made her peace with dying and that she wanted to be brave, but she was so scared. We always say that we are not adraid to die. I wonder what kind of fear will I experience in the face of death and I guess its not dying itself we are really afraid of. Cami admits that she wish she could have done more and I realize that that was the very thing we fear. We fear that we have not done enough with our lives. We fear to realize that we wasted it. We fear that there is so much to do and we will not be able to do it anymore. We silently beg for more years but we know there is no more years. I think that is really scary. But Klaus assured her, saying she had not for once failed him and he reminded her of the things she had done. We will all need someone like that, will we? Someone who will remind us of how great we are, how much our lives occupied the lives of the people who meant the world to us and even the small wonderful things about us, things we can easily forgot during the worst times. And finally, someone who will promise us that we will not be forgotten. "...and unlike all the souls I encountered and forgotten in the long march of time, I will carry you with me." Oh sweet heavens, is that what we all want? Isn't oblivion the scariest thing there is? Isn't the thought of being forgotten what makes death not a topic you would discuss with your friends? But in that scene, Klaus promising that he will never forget was what comforts Cami. She settles in the thought that there was nothing to be afraid of. She will die in the arms of the man she loved. If that isn't the sweetest thing, I don't know what is.
Cami's last moment was her turn to remind Klaus that there is light in him and that he should be the light for his daughter. I imagine my death. I hope that when it comes, I will be able to tell the people I love to keep on living. To live and be the guiding life to others. And that we will meet again. If we can still be who we are in the afterlife, I hope we will meet again.
This scene is so beautiful, I'm in tears as I ponder on this.
I never think death as a topic I should keep silent about. Some say that death is the end of life, that there is nothing in it but darkness. I always think otherwise. I've witness far more deaths in my profession than an average person is allowed, and you know what it taught me? Every death is unique and meaningful. It screams silently but oddly you can hear it well. It's trying to say a thousand words at the same time and you can understand it well. Death would come for us sooner or later and it's something we should look forward to. Its only in knowing that we will eventually die that I believe we can really live a life.
I don't want to forget how this one fictional scene made me feel. And I am happy. I am happy that I am a girl I can be proud of. Yes, I am living between the pages of the books I read, in the scenes I watched and inside the world I've written. Fiction is more real to me than this world. And I am not ashame of it.
CHILD'S NIGHT
The night in our home is still the night I always have ever since I knew that the world is a revolving piece of land and water. I can hear the soft murmurs of the still-awake neighbors. I can hear the beating of my heart--loud and clear as if it wants to leave my chest and beats in a different body. Sometimes, I think that no matter how much you gain from the world, how much salary you acquire in your pocket or how many titles that's been added to your name, a home will always be a place where you're just you. You're just that five year old kid who wants to sleep and rest. You are nothing in your own home. And yet you are everything you could ever be.
Every now and then, I think it's vital that we should always take time to go back home. It is a special time to be who we are. And we are what we are in silence. We are what we are when no one's watching. When we can lie in our bed and listen to our heart and search our own thoughts. Once in a while, it is healthy to shut up and listen to the silence of our own being, so that we may find what it is that we're looking for.
Every now and then, I think it's vital that we should always take time to go back home. It is a special time to be who we are. And we are what we are in silence. We are what we are when no one's watching. When we can lie in our bed and listen to our heart and search our own thoughts. Once in a while, it is healthy to shut up and listen to the silence of our own being, so that we may find what it is that we're looking for.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
A LETTER TO THE MAN WHO VERBALLY ABUSES ME TODAY
I must have known it before I approached you.
I should have known who you are from the very moment I looked into your eyes and I should have warned myself.
But I didn't.
I was, in the first place, never believe that I am capable of such attitude.
They always say that nursing is about compassion. That not everyone can possess it and not everyone are called to be a nurse. But compassion can't be taught in any nursing school, nor can it be acquired overnight. It is a virtue that grows from seeing people suffer. From realizing that we are mortals and we are somehow limited by our flesh. It's like a seed that takes nourishment in placing one's feet in another shoe. When you see people suffer and you feel that tingling sensation in your heart, when you look them into the eyes and see through their souls and hear them ask for help---you knew deep inside that you become compassionate.
That's what I have when I approached and greet you. That's what I have when I introduced myself to you.
Earlier this afternoon, I asked you of your maintenance medications. If you have brought some from home your hospital charges can be lessen. Nursing is holistic; if I will care about your physique, I will also care for your finances. Maybe there's something wrong about my inquiries that you told me you are only a patient and I supposed to take care of where on earth I will get your medication. I said yes, I then have to provide you what you need from our pharmacy. I let you be for an hour and came back with an intravenous needs and fluid. I explained in soft voice that I will carry out a doctor's order of having you hydrated. I asked again for your cooperation, of what your dominant hand is so I will be able to provide you as much comfort as such procedure allowed by havinv the access line on your opposite hand. There must have been a word from me again that you didn't like because you called me incompetent of not knowing which hand is the best to use. I said yes, then we'll have to settle for your left hand. I began explaining to you what to expect, as I do the procedure. I told you there will be a small pain when the needle punctured the site and that you need to breath and relax and never hold back your arm. As I began, I soothe you with words like "okay po, itutusok ka na, hinga lang po malalim" (okay then, I'll pierce the skin now, just take a deep breath). But the moment I pierced through your vein you took away your arm and said in a voice that can be heard well by the patient across you "gaga ka ba, ang sakit ah" (damn you, it hurts). I have to admit that you took me off guard. Never in my life did someone spoke to me that way along with accusing, hateful eyes. Never have I known such hostility. I began to ask myself mentally where the steps in "Starting Intravenous Fluid" did I go wrong. I am not in a hurry. You know I have not approached you in short breaths and with glancing wristwatch attitude. Before I can answer you, you told me again that I am incompetent and that I've hurt you. You added it by informing me that you are a professor and you gain masteral in a field I missed to hear what and that I've hurt you and that I'm incompetent. "Putangina nurse naman to, tanga" I should be damn because the other patients heared you clear that they started to look at me like I am someone who is really incompetent and uncompassionate. I have to tell you I might never forget that last 3 minutes I am there, standing beside your hospital bed, not even considering of depending myself because after all, you are the patient. You have an illness. I am the nurse. I am the healthy one. I shut my mouth and look at you helplessly, asking how did I end up like I deserve such cruel, cruel words. In the end, all I said was that I'll make sure the resident doctor on duty will be the one to start the intravenous fluid. I apologized. Thank the heavens I at least remember to apologized.
But for what? What does my apology stand for? I really want to know the reason why you humiliated me that way. And if you would maybe you could spare me the feeling of having spit out hurtful words to a stranger like me. I wonder if you felt good, believing that I am a creature below you. That because you have gained power in your profession it has somehow given you the right to make people feel as if they are worthless beings. How many of us did you ever treat this way?
I don't know you personally and you don't know me too. But is it enough reason to hurl hurtful words? That because our paths will never crossed again once you've been discharge you at least have to show me how powerful you think you are?
I always believed that the world is still a wonderful place despite the likes of you. That there are still good people out there. But you made me doubt it now. Maybe the world I live in are full of you--- snakes, wearing human skin.
And yes. Despite everything you did to me, I think you do managed to show me a lesson. You have taught me that the likes of you makes this world filthy and that is why we're here. We are here, the ones who stays gentle in the midst of cruelty, to make this world still a better place. We are here to show the likes of you that no matter how high you think of yourself, with that attitude of yours, you are still and always will be beneath us. You taught me to stay kind. That kindness is power. That kindness will always triumph.
I am writing this to you, even though I know you wouldn't read it, so that you'll somehow feel forgiven. Yes, you hurt me deeply and I forgiven you. You wouldn't know you hurt me in the first place but I am, forgiving you. And I have forgiven myself, maybe for allowing you to hurt me. For writing this. For telling the world that they can hurt me and yet I will still be kind, gentle and forgiving.
I do hope you will have a good life ahead, bastard.
AJ, 2016
I should have known who you are from the very moment I looked into your eyes and I should have warned myself.
But I didn't.
I was, in the first place, never believe that I am capable of such attitude.
They always say that nursing is about compassion. That not everyone can possess it and not everyone are called to be a nurse. But compassion can't be taught in any nursing school, nor can it be acquired overnight. It is a virtue that grows from seeing people suffer. From realizing that we are mortals and we are somehow limited by our flesh. It's like a seed that takes nourishment in placing one's feet in another shoe. When you see people suffer and you feel that tingling sensation in your heart, when you look them into the eyes and see through their souls and hear them ask for help---you knew deep inside that you become compassionate.
That's what I have when I approached and greet you. That's what I have when I introduced myself to you.
Earlier this afternoon, I asked you of your maintenance medications. If you have brought some from home your hospital charges can be lessen. Nursing is holistic; if I will care about your physique, I will also care for your finances. Maybe there's something wrong about my inquiries that you told me you are only a patient and I supposed to take care of where on earth I will get your medication. I said yes, I then have to provide you what you need from our pharmacy. I let you be for an hour and came back with an intravenous needs and fluid. I explained in soft voice that I will carry out a doctor's order of having you hydrated. I asked again for your cooperation, of what your dominant hand is so I will be able to provide you as much comfort as such procedure allowed by havinv the access line on your opposite hand. There must have been a word from me again that you didn't like because you called me incompetent of not knowing which hand is the best to use. I said yes, then we'll have to settle for your left hand. I began explaining to you what to expect, as I do the procedure. I told you there will be a small pain when the needle punctured the site and that you need to breath and relax and never hold back your arm. As I began, I soothe you with words like "okay po, itutusok ka na, hinga lang po malalim" (okay then, I'll pierce the skin now, just take a deep breath). But the moment I pierced through your vein you took away your arm and said in a voice that can be heard well by the patient across you "gaga ka ba, ang sakit ah" (damn you, it hurts). I have to admit that you took me off guard. Never in my life did someone spoke to me that way along with accusing, hateful eyes. Never have I known such hostility. I began to ask myself mentally where the steps in "Starting Intravenous Fluid" did I go wrong. I am not in a hurry. You know I have not approached you in short breaths and with glancing wristwatch attitude. Before I can answer you, you told me again that I am incompetent and that I've hurt you. You added it by informing me that you are a professor and you gain masteral in a field I missed to hear what and that I've hurt you and that I'm incompetent. "Putangina nurse naman to, tanga" I should be damn because the other patients heared you clear that they started to look at me like I am someone who is really incompetent and uncompassionate. I have to tell you I might never forget that last 3 minutes I am there, standing beside your hospital bed, not even considering of depending myself because after all, you are the patient. You have an illness. I am the nurse. I am the healthy one. I shut my mouth and look at you helplessly, asking how did I end up like I deserve such cruel, cruel words. In the end, all I said was that I'll make sure the resident doctor on duty will be the one to start the intravenous fluid. I apologized. Thank the heavens I at least remember to apologized.
But for what? What does my apology stand for? I really want to know the reason why you humiliated me that way. And if you would maybe you could spare me the feeling of having spit out hurtful words to a stranger like me. I wonder if you felt good, believing that I am a creature below you. That because you have gained power in your profession it has somehow given you the right to make people feel as if they are worthless beings. How many of us did you ever treat this way?
I don't know you personally and you don't know me too. But is it enough reason to hurl hurtful words? That because our paths will never crossed again once you've been discharge you at least have to show me how powerful you think you are?
I always believed that the world is still a wonderful place despite the likes of you. That there are still good people out there. But you made me doubt it now. Maybe the world I live in are full of you--- snakes, wearing human skin.
And yes. Despite everything you did to me, I think you do managed to show me a lesson. You have taught me that the likes of you makes this world filthy and that is why we're here. We are here, the ones who stays gentle in the midst of cruelty, to make this world still a better place. We are here to show the likes of you that no matter how high you think of yourself, with that attitude of yours, you are still and always will be beneath us. You taught me to stay kind. That kindness is power. That kindness will always triumph.
I am writing this to you, even though I know you wouldn't read it, so that you'll somehow feel forgiven. Yes, you hurt me deeply and I forgiven you. You wouldn't know you hurt me in the first place but I am, forgiving you. And I have forgiven myself, maybe for allowing you to hurt me. For writing this. For telling the world that they can hurt me and yet I will still be kind, gentle and forgiving.
I do hope you will have a good life ahead, bastard.
AJ, 2016
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
ALL TOO WELL
Do you remember the night
When our dreams take flight
You and I were stars
Across the night time sky
Do you remember the days
When we stand side by side
You must have been the sun
For you shine so bright
Do you remember the moments
Of our laughs and cries
Maybe its only echoes now
Maybe the wind blows them behind
The memory of you is vivid
I remember you well
They may forgotten by now
They never know you yes
Do not fear my love
You have a home here
You are everything to me
You still color my world red
Things may change
The sun may rise west
But my soul is tied up in yours
Nothing sure will change
Happy 18th birthday, Aay.
When our dreams take flight
You and I were stars
Across the night time sky
Do you remember the days
When we stand side by side
You must have been the sun
For you shine so bright
Do you remember the moments
Of our laughs and cries
Maybe its only echoes now
Maybe the wind blows them behind
The memory of you is vivid
I remember you well
They may forgotten by now
They never know you yes
Do not fear my love
You have a home here
You are everything to me
You still color my world red
Things may change
The sun may rise west
But my soul is tied up in yours
Nothing sure will change
Happy 18th birthday, Aay.
Monday, February 29, 2016
READING IS LIFE
I visited one of the nearest bookstores to my dormitory this afternoon. It has been ages since I last went to a bookstore in hope that I'll find something worthwhile to read. I admit that my work as a nurse kept me from reading for a year now. I was mostly exhausted from all the physical strain it brought me and whatever little time I have, I use so I could sleep.
But today, visiting that bookstore had brought me back to where I came from. And I came from between the pages of the books I used to love as a child. I came from all the characters I accompany as they set off in their adventures. I felt ashamed that I forgotten what it feels like to go sit beside my favorite authors while listening to their stories. I took them for granted. I might be reading then, but I am not listening. I have forgotten who I really am. I have forgotten how beautiful and heartbreaking words are.
I understand now why journals are important. One day, I might forget what I felt and realized today. That's human nature, we change. We forget. But not if I write down this very moment. This very feelings I am feeling now. It wouldn't fade or go to waste. That is the beauty of words and stories.
Thank you for reminding me to write. Thank you for teaching me to read.
But today, visiting that bookstore had brought me back to where I came from. And I came from between the pages of the books I used to love as a child. I came from all the characters I accompany as they set off in their adventures. I felt ashamed that I forgotten what it feels like to go sit beside my favorite authors while listening to their stories. I took them for granted. I might be reading then, but I am not listening. I have forgotten who I really am. I have forgotten how beautiful and heartbreaking words are.
I understand now why journals are important. One day, I might forget what I felt and realized today. That's human nature, we change. We forget. But not if I write down this very moment. This very feelings I am feeling now. It wouldn't fade or go to waste. That is the beauty of words and stories.
Thank you for reminding me to write. Thank you for teaching me to read.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
THE ENVIOUS DENIAL
I might deny it some other time but for once, I feel like admitting it.
Yes. I envy people.
I envy my friends for having friends that last. Mine doesn't. Its either we lost touch or have grown apart. Who wouldn't want someone they could count as years go by? While they keep realizing how lucky they are to have one another, I am here, decided that I couldn't trust anyone. I want to, but I've received far many reasons that proves there is no one left to rely on but myself.
I envy the complete family picture my friends in social media post every now and then. Those smiles. Those small difference everyone notices as years been added in each frame. The frozen photo of laughters and embraces. How happy it might be if I have a selfie of my family just like the one my childhood friend has... Special occasions every year only reminds of what I lost before. Never will my family be complete again. Not in this lifetime. I wish there will be social medias and cameras in afterlife too. Maybe there, I wouldn't have to envy anyone again.
While I spent my days in fulfilling my lifelong dream of being a writer, my friends are either getting married or having their first born child. I envy them for finding their partners. I envy them for experiencing love in that kind of way. I doubt someone on their right mind will ever like someone like me.I knew it. I knew I'll end up alone. Maybe I'll start saving so I can afford a good nursing home when I grow old.
I know that the world isn't fair. How can others have all while here I am, never getting any. I wish that the world will show me a little kindness out of all that I have given out for it. But I'm reminded that "the world isn't a wish granting factory" (John Green) Maybe the fairness it knows is how it gives more to some and denies even the little to others. I just happened to be in the denied part.
Yes. I envy people.
I envy my friends for having friends that last. Mine doesn't. Its either we lost touch or have grown apart. Who wouldn't want someone they could count as years go by? While they keep realizing how lucky they are to have one another, I am here, decided that I couldn't trust anyone. I want to, but I've received far many reasons that proves there is no one left to rely on but myself.
I envy the complete family picture my friends in social media post every now and then. Those smiles. Those small difference everyone notices as years been added in each frame. The frozen photo of laughters and embraces. How happy it might be if I have a selfie of my family just like the one my childhood friend has... Special occasions every year only reminds of what I lost before. Never will my family be complete again. Not in this lifetime. I wish there will be social medias and cameras in afterlife too. Maybe there, I wouldn't have to envy anyone again.
While I spent my days in fulfilling my lifelong dream of being a writer, my friends are either getting married or having their first born child. I envy them for finding their partners. I envy them for experiencing love in that kind of way. I doubt someone on their right mind will ever like someone like me.I knew it. I knew I'll end up alone. Maybe I'll start saving so I can afford a good nursing home when I grow old.
I know that the world isn't fair. How can others have all while here I am, never getting any. I wish that the world will show me a little kindness out of all that I have given out for it. But I'm reminded that "the world isn't a wish granting factory" (John Green) Maybe the fairness it knows is how it gives more to some and denies even the little to others. I just happened to be in the denied part.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)