I think she was four during the nights when she laid in bed together with her mother and sister. She will put her left over her right leg only to be imitate by her sister while their mother holds high an illustrated fairy tale for both of them to see.
It was a warm, cozy summer night and children should sleep early but her mother starts telling them the story of a princess from that far away castle. She can't fully understand the words her mother utters, though its in the native tongue, but the colorful drawings she saw makes her wonder if the illustrated princess her mother talks about is real.
One year from then, she will start to go to school so her mother starts teaching her how to read little by little while her father is teach her how to write her own name. Maybe it was her father to be blame that years later her handwriting is mistakenly took as from a man.
Then came the time that she had to go to school. The thought of her mother leaving her alone in that strange place with other children scares her, yet she can't help but feel excited on what that brand new world will reveal to her. She become fascinated of that small thin woods the length of her arms with different colors, that piece of rubber that can erase everything she writes on a blank piece of paper, those binded papers they call books and the group of words that when she read, is telling her a story just like what her mother did during those warm, cozy summer night.
Never did she thought that knowing how to read is the beginning of everything.
Years pass, she had gone to the nearby grade school and able to finished her secondary education after. She made a lot of friends and experience things. She realize the beauty of knowledge and the advantage of being a well read girl and for once, she actually believe that life is just like that, you make friends, please your parents, get a high grade on every subject, read good books, put on some lipbalm so the guys can notice you and try to do what everyone else is doing.
When she goes to college she discover a larger world. There is more to learn but little time to accomplish all. She gets the chance to meet people bigger than life, whose aspiration is not limited to wanting a big house, a handsome spouse, a faster car and more zeros in bank accounts. She experience things and enjoy her own skin. She read many good books, fiction, fantasy, adventure, romance and her all time favorite thrillers, in between the academic ones. When she look up at the sky she thinks of how maybe, just maybe, she was born to do great things. That maybe one day she can do something that will of worth and be able to leave a legacy behind. One night, as she smile to herself slipping slowly in a dreamless sleep, she decided that she will find that very thing that she is destined to do so she can do it with all her heart.
But life is not always with bright and blue sky. She learned that there are people whom she cannot please, that her parents, no matter how high grades she show cannot be satisfied, that her teachers and professors pretends to be all knowing when in fact they just learn the topics ahead and that not everyone can be trusted. So she turns to books to satisfy a part of her that others cannot. She turn to books during those empty nights when she wants to speak her mind but no one bothers to listen.
And one day, without realizing it, she grab a piece of pen and put a single word at the blank sheet of a notebook. Then she write another word that becomes a phrase which becomes a sentence. She felt good so she continue adding sentences until it became a paragraph and the paragraphs becomes, what the english books called, an essay. She read what she wrote from the beginning and she gasp in amazement, not believing that she did wrote it. But an essay is never complete without a title, so shethink of one, and after a day she pick up a pen again together with the notebook containing her essay and above it she wrote "My Favorite Book Qoute and How It Changes My Life."
She laugh at how ridiculously happy she become.
There is happiness in reading.
There is happiness in writing.
But is there happiness in being read?
After a year she manage to keep a journal and many unfinished short stories. But she did not let anyone take a look on them for fear that they find her outrageous, weird, neurotic and ambitious.
But what is wrong in thinking that one day someone will tell her that she writes good enough to make worthy stories, like the ones she reads at night, like the ones she cannot put down easily. What is wrong in wanting to be a person everyone around her did not even dare of becoming even in their wildest dream. What is wrong in being different from the rest.
I want to be a published author someday, she whispers.
And just like the stories she read, there comes the stormy seas proving that when it rains it pours. She lost a loved one, devastated she goes on isolation. The people who called her friend, nowhere to be found, those who promise that they will always be by her side are busy. Her grades failed many times until she loss all interest in everything. That night, she curled herself at the corner of her room, crying, gripping a pen, reaching for a blank sheet of paper. She writes. She writes the paralyzing pain, the coldness within and the absence of anyone. She gave word for what she feels even if its all empty. She construct the paragraph that will make her remember what she thinks at the very moment she wrote it. And she felt free.
There is beauty in suffering.
There is beauty in emptiness.
There is beauty in words.
There is beauty in writing.
Its not long before she longs for adventure. She finds herself sitting in a coffeeshop just to observe the people around her. She will go her way buying books far from her town just to watch sunset on the nearby shore. She open herself to stories told by any kinds of individuals. And at the end of the day, she develop a sight of seeing things some refuse to look at and the ability to wrote down the memories that time will not be able to snatch away.
She wants to live and she wants others too.
She wants to feel and she wants others too.
She wants comfort and she wants to comfort others too.
Each, possible through her chosen craft.
Her body craves for fortune, her mind wants fame, her soul longs for immortality but her heart desires nothing but to help others with the gift she have.
But above all she wants to write.
And write she did.
She realize that everything that happen, everything she absorb, everything she learned and will learn outside and inside the school premises, everything she witness and taken part of, everything, let her become what she is now.
Im not there yet, she thought, but Im closer than I am yesterday.
Yes, my dear.
Yes, you are.
Hold on then.
Be patient.
Love and live.
Embrace it because it is the path you decide to take.
She wrote this piece. Not sure if its good, really.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
INTROVERSION
Y: Everything is possible love, if you really want to.
B: I couldn't agree more.
Silence. A deafening silence.
Y: What is it the you want anyway??
It was a simple question that requires a great, thoughtful answer.
What do I want?
B: I want to be a published author and reach the world.
Y: Not what you want for tomorrow.
What is it, that you want. Today. At this very moment.
Silence, again. I smile.
My brain tries to analyze that simple question. My mind wanders, seeking the very thing I want. Now, at this point in time, as I breathe in and I breathe out.
*chaching*
Yes. That was right.
That's what I want.
The very thing that I need.
The air that will keep me from mere existence.
B: I want to live.
*chaching*
I want to lie under the sky, staring at the stars, knowing that I wouldn't be able to count them.
I want to be there, when the sun rises and lightens the dark corners of that face of the Earth.
I want to stand at the top of a mountain, with arms wide open, against the wind, against the limits of the society.
I want to float above the water, with the currents lashing on my skin, trusting that the waves will bring me to the shore, to where it is safe.
I want to sit together with men, of great minds, of big hearts, of souls as old as the ancient ones, listening to their stories, laughing my heart out, because some dreams will be beyond comprehension, but is not impossible.
I am longing for a world far greater than I am now.
I am wishing to be with people I couldn't get a chance to meet. They are secluded as me. Kept hidden, thinking that they are as rare as fossils, feeling empty and sometimes strange.
How ironic it is to long for a person that is you but at the same time afraid to open and know them.
tIt will burn every fiber of my being. It will set me on fire. It will leave nothing of me, but ashes.
I want to live.
I want to live.
I want to live.
Y: Then go.
You grasp that small thread that will give you capacity to do as your heart desire, grab it, burn with it, never ever let it go.
Go far away as your feet can carry you.
Climb that mountain and inhale the freedom that will be set forth before you.
Swim against the current.
Burn bright until your light can so set others into ashes. Until they turn blind just by a mere blink at you.
Don't ever come back.
Don't dare to glance behind.
The past is there. It will call you. But it never wants you back.
B: I will.
Before death comes knocking at my door, I will.
I want to live.
I will live.
I will live.
I will live.
Listen.
Feel.
Breathe.
I am here.
I am like you.
We are the same.
I will wait.
B: I couldn't agree more.
Silence. A deafening silence.
Y: What is it the you want anyway??
It was a simple question that requires a great, thoughtful answer.
What do I want?
B: I want to be a published author and reach the world.
Y: Not what you want for tomorrow.
What is it, that you want. Today. At this very moment.
Silence, again. I smile.
My brain tries to analyze that simple question. My mind wanders, seeking the very thing I want. Now, at this point in time, as I breathe in and I breathe out.
*chaching*
Yes. That was right.
That's what I want.
The very thing that I need.
The air that will keep me from mere existence.
B: I want to live.
*chaching*
I want to lie under the sky, staring at the stars, knowing that I wouldn't be able to count them.
I want to be there, when the sun rises and lightens the dark corners of that face of the Earth.
I want to stand at the top of a mountain, with arms wide open, against the wind, against the limits of the society.
I want to float above the water, with the currents lashing on my skin, trusting that the waves will bring me to the shore, to where it is safe.
I want to sit together with men, of great minds, of big hearts, of souls as old as the ancient ones, listening to their stories, laughing my heart out, because some dreams will be beyond comprehension, but is not impossible.
I am longing for a world far greater than I am now.
I am wishing to be with people I couldn't get a chance to meet. They are secluded as me. Kept hidden, thinking that they are as rare as fossils, feeling empty and sometimes strange.
How ironic it is to long for a person that is you but at the same time afraid to open and know them.
tIt will burn every fiber of my being. It will set me on fire. It will leave nothing of me, but ashes.
I want to live.
I want to live.
I want to live.
Y: Then go.
You grasp that small thread that will give you capacity to do as your heart desire, grab it, burn with it, never ever let it go.
Go far away as your feet can carry you.
Climb that mountain and inhale the freedom that will be set forth before you.
Swim against the current.
Burn bright until your light can so set others into ashes. Until they turn blind just by a mere blink at you.
Don't ever come back.
Don't dare to glance behind.
The past is there. It will call you. But it never wants you back.
B: I will.
Before death comes knocking at my door, I will.
I want to live.
I will live.
I will live.
I will live.
Listen.
Feel.
Breathe.
I am here.
I am like you.
We are the same.
I will wait.
Monday, October 20, 2014
NOTHING BUT DREAMS
I just woke up from a strange dream where I saw myself in a room full of people I don't know, girls giggling and a handsome man lying sick in bed surrounded by people with grave looking faces. There are also black cats around me, which took turn biting my arm, creating little bloodless holes in them. Because of the floating feeling the dream gave me, I immediately reach for the pen and paper on my side and with eyes half open I make sure that I wrote it down before they slip away. You know, I don't sleep without those things on my side nowadays.
Later, through some reliable dream interpretation website I found out the meaning of each things I've dreamed of. I was taken aback to notice that each of them tends to tell me that there is some part of me I don't recognize yet. Either feminine, potential and weakness part, they suggest that I face that part of me that needs to be face. I was advice to let go of the things and people that slows me down and to examine my guard because some of the symbols in my dream says that Im letting my guard down. Too horrible.
Yes, I daydream but I am not a type of person who dreams a lot during sleep. Maybe because Im a shallow sleeper. I can get really sleepy anywhere, difficult to wake, but is used to wake up every now and then. I don't sleep without lights on, that explains why I cannot have a good night sleep other than on my bedroom. One of my weird growing up habits I guess.
Back to that dream.. as I ponder about it, I can't help but wonder what is it that I never accepted for myself yet. Im aware of my weakness and limitations that's why it bothers me that my subconscious is trying to tell me things in contrast. Then, I remember that I had a "small" arguement with my mother last night. Its plainly about me always in front of my laptop, typing or with my notebook, writing. I say that Im writing something sure (my manuscript). She thinks Im weird because people on my age should go outside, date, gossips, shop and do everything "normal". She reminded me that Im the weirdest person she ever knew and that reason alone is enough to conclude that if I stay being this way I can never have a boyfriend or lots of friends and that I wouldn't get anywhere. I never tell her that I want to be a published author someday, I know without doubt she'll laugh. Sucks. I know Im weird, Im proud of it, but my mother's utterance of weird sounds like I have an incurable disease or Im too disgusting and pathetic.
One thing I am certain about my relationship with her is that she doesn't know me at all. We may be having the same blood flowing on our veins but that doesn't mean I am going to be like her or that people can continue judging me through her. We are but different people.
Well, what Im trying to convey is that, yes, I know what she thinks of me and that I know she wouldn't approve my dream of becoming a published author (who cares) and yes, I accepted that long ago but that doesn't necessarily mean Im a stone Im not getting hurt anymore. I think it hurts me, the way my own blood sees me in that way, but its nothing more like a pinch now, it amazes me to realize I acquire an invisible armor built hard that no remarks can hurt me now, to the point of crying, from all the insults I've endured before. *laughs*
I guess it makes me realize that dreams should be worth fighting for. That if you want to make your dream come true you must be really brave to stand against all who will try to bring you down. It makes sense anyway, no one can fly without letting go of the things and people that's weighing them down. In the end, it will just fall on to you. You will be the only one who can make those dreams come true, some can help you but it will always depends on how determine you are along the way. If your dreams become a reality, great, when it doesn't, then you can never blame anyone for it. I owe Dumbledore for teaching me that "It's our choices that make us who we are far more than our abilities.."
This is my choice, my folks.
I WANT TO BE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR AND BE READ.
Its the only thing that burns inside of me that everytime I go to a bookstore and pick up a book I imagine Im holding my story instead, with my name under. Its the first thing that pops out of my mind when someone asks me how do I see myself ten years from now. Its the sentence I used on my goal setting stuff. Its a dream that makes my heart beat fast, my mind race and my whole body tense with excitement.
And Im going to stand by it no matter what. No insults will ever bring me down. Nothing from my family, friends or anyone can make me waver.
If I win, then I'll be happy the ground can swallow me whole.
If I do not then at least I try, I will have some stories to share to my grandchildren (if Im going to have grandchildrens, haha!). I said "If I do not" and not "If I lose" because I don't think I'll ever lose on this. "Only those who give up are defeated, everyone else os victorious." (Paulo Coelho)
Later, through some reliable dream interpretation website I found out the meaning of each things I've dreamed of. I was taken aback to notice that each of them tends to tell me that there is some part of me I don't recognize yet. Either feminine, potential and weakness part, they suggest that I face that part of me that needs to be face. I was advice to let go of the things and people that slows me down and to examine my guard because some of the symbols in my dream says that Im letting my guard down. Too horrible.
Yes, I daydream but I am not a type of person who dreams a lot during sleep. Maybe because Im a shallow sleeper. I can get really sleepy anywhere, difficult to wake, but is used to wake up every now and then. I don't sleep without lights on, that explains why I cannot have a good night sleep other than on my bedroom. One of my weird growing up habits I guess.
Back to that dream.. as I ponder about it, I can't help but wonder what is it that I never accepted for myself yet. Im aware of my weakness and limitations that's why it bothers me that my subconscious is trying to tell me things in contrast. Then, I remember that I had a "small" arguement with my mother last night. Its plainly about me always in front of my laptop, typing or with my notebook, writing. I say that Im writing something sure (my manuscript). She thinks Im weird because people on my age should go outside, date, gossips, shop and do everything "normal". She reminded me that Im the weirdest person she ever knew and that reason alone is enough to conclude that if I stay being this way I can never have a boyfriend or lots of friends and that I wouldn't get anywhere. I never tell her that I want to be a published author someday, I know without doubt she'll laugh. Sucks. I know Im weird, Im proud of it, but my mother's utterance of weird sounds like I have an incurable disease or Im too disgusting and pathetic.
One thing I am certain about my relationship with her is that she doesn't know me at all. We may be having the same blood flowing on our veins but that doesn't mean I am going to be like her or that people can continue judging me through her. We are but different people.
Well, what Im trying to convey is that, yes, I know what she thinks of me and that I know she wouldn't approve my dream of becoming a published author (who cares) and yes, I accepted that long ago but that doesn't necessarily mean Im a stone Im not getting hurt anymore. I think it hurts me, the way my own blood sees me in that way, but its nothing more like a pinch now, it amazes me to realize I acquire an invisible armor built hard that no remarks can hurt me now, to the point of crying, from all the insults I've endured before. *laughs*
I guess it makes me realize that dreams should be worth fighting for. That if you want to make your dream come true you must be really brave to stand against all who will try to bring you down. It makes sense anyway, no one can fly without letting go of the things and people that's weighing them down. In the end, it will just fall on to you. You will be the only one who can make those dreams come true, some can help you but it will always depends on how determine you are along the way. If your dreams become a reality, great, when it doesn't, then you can never blame anyone for it. I owe Dumbledore for teaching me that "It's our choices that make us who we are far more than our abilities.."
This is my choice, my folks.
I WANT TO BE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR AND BE READ.
Its the only thing that burns inside of me that everytime I go to a bookstore and pick up a book I imagine Im holding my story instead, with my name under. Its the first thing that pops out of my mind when someone asks me how do I see myself ten years from now. Its the sentence I used on my goal setting stuff. Its a dream that makes my heart beat fast, my mind race and my whole body tense with excitement.
And Im going to stand by it no matter what. No insults will ever bring me down. Nothing from my family, friends or anyone can make me waver.
If I win, then I'll be happy the ground can swallow me whole.
If I do not then at least I try, I will have some stories to share to my grandchildren (if Im going to have grandchildrens, haha!). I said "If I do not" and not "If I lose" because I don't think I'll ever lose on this. "Only those who give up are defeated, everyone else os victorious." (Paulo Coelho)
Friday, October 17, 2014
ALONE, RARE LONELY
Here I am, at the Starbucks Coffee, the clock reads 03:26pm. Just by myself, with a french vanilla latte frapuccino recommended by a friend who works here, a strawberry glazed belgian waffle and my laptop in front, in which my unedited manuscript was saved, the Microsoft Word cursor blinking waiting for my mind to settle and type a damn word that can be of use.
Ugggh!
I came here to write because I cannot seem to quiet my mind at home since the internet connection feels like dragging me into different worlds everytime. *laughs*. Somehow, I think Im really getting used to this solitary stuff. I am eating and strolling alone outside this pass years, observing people, hearing murmurs their voices creates but not undesranding a word and talking to myself on my head. I did not find it bothering nor did I feel lonely. Im just getting really used to this that possibly when someone invited me to tag along, I will seem rather uncomfortable.
The art of solitude. It suits me in all aspects. I have come to learn the difference of being alone and being lonely.
Alone? I am always alone. No matter where I go and no matter how many people I come to know, at the end of the day, I am always alone. People around me never gave me a chance to rely on them. I don't hate it, I am but thankful because in my aloneness, I found and befriended myself.
Lonely? sometimes. Im quite irritated that no one even bothers to educate me before that loneliness also felt like fear. My lonely days in the past makes me dread the upcoming night and in some way, the breaking dawn. Knowing that you don't have anyone to talk to (freely, pouring your heart out), but when you do you never felt understood, is terrifying.
I am always this strange so it doesn't surprise me at all when people always concluded that Im someone friendly but not a friend at all. Yes I have walls, but sometimes, I too long for someone to listen to my stories but its like Im not deserving for anybody.
Its depressing.
All these people around me here have someone to confide with and here I am without anyone. Its much strange that I am happy. If you thinks Im not, I should tell you I am really glad and satisfied with this arrangement of the universe. There are just people like me who are destined to live like this. I don't know.... but there is an absolute happiness in being alone. :)
Ugggh!
I came here to write because I cannot seem to quiet my mind at home since the internet connection feels like dragging me into different worlds everytime. *laughs*. Somehow, I think Im really getting used to this solitary stuff. I am eating and strolling alone outside this pass years, observing people, hearing murmurs their voices creates but not undesranding a word and talking to myself on my head. I did not find it bothering nor did I feel lonely. Im just getting really used to this that possibly when someone invited me to tag along, I will seem rather uncomfortable.
The art of solitude. It suits me in all aspects. I have come to learn the difference of being alone and being lonely.
Alone? I am always alone. No matter where I go and no matter how many people I come to know, at the end of the day, I am always alone. People around me never gave me a chance to rely on them. I don't hate it, I am but thankful because in my aloneness, I found and befriended myself.
Lonely? sometimes. Im quite irritated that no one even bothers to educate me before that loneliness also felt like fear. My lonely days in the past makes me dread the upcoming night and in some way, the breaking dawn. Knowing that you don't have anyone to talk to (freely, pouring your heart out), but when you do you never felt understood, is terrifying.
I am always this strange so it doesn't surprise me at all when people always concluded that Im someone friendly but not a friend at all. Yes I have walls, but sometimes, I too long for someone to listen to my stories but its like Im not deserving for anybody.
Its depressing.
All these people around me here have someone to confide with and here I am without anyone. Its much strange that I am happy. If you thinks Im not, I should tell you I am really glad and satisfied with this arrangement of the universe. There are just people like me who are destined to live like this. I don't know.... but there is an absolute happiness in being alone. :)
Friday, October 10, 2014
SO YOU SAY YOU WANT TO KNOW ME
For all its worth, I want to say that I am not numb.
Yes, I am that introvert who is socially awkward, can't handle being around in the crowd for a day, talks little but is boring when I does, doesn't have that friends and is single but one thing I cannot allow is anyone saying and treating me like I am a heartless damsel.
I do believe in love, folks.
I believe that love has the capacity to make my soul creep out from its hiding place. I believe that there's someone out there who can sweep me off my feet, make me forget how to breathe and make me question how on earth did I survive before without him around.
I believe that love can shatter my sanity, shine a bright light in every inches of darkness I possess, turns my world upside down and make me feel alive and existing and living and all things will be vibrant and real and sound.
The problem is...
I don't
want
to meet
the person
who will
make me
like the kind of person
I listed above.
That explains why I don't let anyone in in my world. My wall was one of the strongest out there and I spend every day adding bricks on it. I never let just, mere people, who thinks Im stupid enough to believe them, see through me.
Why?
Because Im damage beyond repair. I've never loved before but I know a lot since Im into these romantic stuff for several days (well, not really the usual romantic types, but love was there, uggh! whatever). The point is, I don't want to realize how lonely I am, that no one knows me and understand me and can accept my atrocities. Because Im different and weird and no one wants a strange, boring person in their life.
Don't say I never tried changing myself. I did before, I open up, they made me believe that Im one of them, befriend me, see through me and at the end of the day, throw everything directly on my face.
Yes, hurt is inevitable when you love and that to love is to be brave and to give your all. But I cannot seem to understand why do I have to pretend being someone else for people to love me back? Its pathetic.
Advices I am getting from people during these days...
1. You should be more outgoing and a little flirty.
2. You must do dates.
3. Try meeting some boys out there.
4. Want me to introduce you to my friend? He's handsome.
5. Your conversations should start with clothes, travels, movies.. like that so you won't be boring.
The disgust.
I hate it.
Why do they keep changing me? Can they just accept that I am an introvert and this is how I want to be accepted.
I don't even know why I am spending an awful f*cking time trying to explain myself here.
Oh my goodness.
Im bored again.
Yes, I am that introvert who is socially awkward, can't handle being around in the crowd for a day, talks little but is boring when I does, doesn't have that friends and is single but one thing I cannot allow is anyone saying and treating me like I am a heartless damsel.
I do believe in love, folks.
I believe that love has the capacity to make my soul creep out from its hiding place. I believe that there's someone out there who can sweep me off my feet, make me forget how to breathe and make me question how on earth did I survive before without him around.
I believe that love can shatter my sanity, shine a bright light in every inches of darkness I possess, turns my world upside down and make me feel alive and existing and living and all things will be vibrant and real and sound.
The problem is...
I don't
want
to meet
the person
who will
make me
like the kind of person
I listed above.
That explains why I don't let anyone in in my world. My wall was one of the strongest out there and I spend every day adding bricks on it. I never let just, mere people, who thinks Im stupid enough to believe them, see through me.
Why?
Because Im damage beyond repair. I've never loved before but I know a lot since Im into these romantic stuff for several days (well, not really the usual romantic types, but love was there, uggh! whatever). The point is, I don't want to realize how lonely I am, that no one knows me and understand me and can accept my atrocities. Because Im different and weird and no one wants a strange, boring person in their life.
Don't say I never tried changing myself. I did before, I open up, they made me believe that Im one of them, befriend me, see through me and at the end of the day, throw everything directly on my face.
Yes, hurt is inevitable when you love and that to love is to be brave and to give your all. But I cannot seem to understand why do I have to pretend being someone else for people to love me back? Its pathetic.
Advices I am getting from people during these days...
1. You should be more outgoing and a little flirty.
2. You must do dates.
3. Try meeting some boys out there.
4. Want me to introduce you to my friend? He's handsome.
5. Your conversations should start with clothes, travels, movies.. like that so you won't be boring.
The disgust.
I hate it.
Why do they keep changing me? Can they just accept that I am an introvert and this is how I want to be accepted.
I don't even know why I am spending an awful f*cking time trying to explain myself here.
Oh my goodness.
Im bored again.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
THE END
When did I become an ending hater?
I think it started long ago, my age I cannot recall. It happened when my mother brought me my first novel to read, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I remember holding the book on my hands with wide smile on my face, opening it apart and smelling the pages. Then I examined the cover, the synopsis on the back and ran a finger on the spine. The thing is that I opened the last page and read the last paragraph before starting it from the beginning. I don't know why but it became my unminded rule when it comes to reading books. The same goes with me watching animes and series. I always watch the last 10minutes of the last episode first.
Even in my first novel, I have not finish writing the entirety of it but I already wrote the last paragraph, which I planned to place in the fourth book. :)
It makes me wonder now that I realize this weird habit of mine, how did I become like this?
I am aware that everything has to end--eventually. Nothing and no one will remain, yes, with the exception of our Lord Almighty and that force which they say "makes the world go round"--love. Aside from these two, all things will be reduce to nothing. Actually, I can't help but ask why in all our mortality do we still believe in forever.
I think its because we cannot comprehend endings. We were made without the capacity to accept that there are some things we cannot hold on to for eternity. If that was it then it explains why we continue to live our life (still) with the people we lose along the way. Whether its death or circumstances, we keep thinking how and why will we live even if they're not here with us. This might explains why even though we reached the end of our favorite movie, series or book and the conclusion satisfies us, we still can't help but think what goes beyond it.
I kinda realized now... maybe we are just infinite creatures. :P Our bodies will wear out and die but we cannot die at all. There is no death and the concept of ending is nothing but absurdity. We all goes beyond that, living, breathing or thinking is not the issue. I do believe we all goes beyond that.
I think it started long ago, my age I cannot recall. It happened when my mother brought me my first novel to read, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I remember holding the book on my hands with wide smile on my face, opening it apart and smelling the pages. Then I examined the cover, the synopsis on the back and ran a finger on the spine. The thing is that I opened the last page and read the last paragraph before starting it from the beginning. I don't know why but it became my unminded rule when it comes to reading books. The same goes with me watching animes and series. I always watch the last 10minutes of the last episode first.
Even in my first novel, I have not finish writing the entirety of it but I already wrote the last paragraph, which I planned to place in the fourth book. :)
It makes me wonder now that I realize this weird habit of mine, how did I become like this?
I am aware that everything has to end--eventually. Nothing and no one will remain, yes, with the exception of our Lord Almighty and that force which they say "makes the world go round"--love. Aside from these two, all things will be reduce to nothing. Actually, I can't help but ask why in all our mortality do we still believe in forever.
I think its because we cannot comprehend endings. We were made without the capacity to accept that there are some things we cannot hold on to for eternity. If that was it then it explains why we continue to live our life (still) with the people we lose along the way. Whether its death or circumstances, we keep thinking how and why will we live even if they're not here with us. This might explains why even though we reached the end of our favorite movie, series or book and the conclusion satisfies us, we still can't help but think what goes beyond it.
I kinda realized now... maybe we are just infinite creatures. :P Our bodies will wear out and die but we cannot die at all. There is no death and the concept of ending is nothing but absurdity. We all goes beyond that, living, breathing or thinking is not the issue. I do believe we all goes beyond that.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
COVER THAT HOLE
In one way or another, I think, everyone of us is somehow broken. We all have that hole carved in our hearts and we become willing to spend an entire lifetime searching what ever is it that will make it whole.
We were living in a fallen broken world so the sadness that become part of me does not surprise me at all. It is a word that always describes me ever since and I have manage to survive with it. A curse and a blessing having the capacity to feel deeply about everything.
But isn't my longing a universal cry? Are all the people around me never for once long for someone, for someplace, of something that will free them from the heart wrenching pain of never being satisfied?
....
I therefore, in all the brokeness I have, conclude that the loneliness each of us mortals have actually comes from the Divine Power. He had made us with that hole in our hearts that only He will be able to fill. Our world is constantly changing, we somehow needs someone who does not have this sense of time to change Him. We need unconditional love. A love that will never require us to have that money, that power, mansions and cars, fame and titles to be worthy of. We have our own choices. I choose to welcome that Divine Power today because of that hole in my heart that tends to consume me everyday. Im getting tired of nursing that hole anyway.
I hope you do too.
We were living in a fallen broken world so the sadness that become part of me does not surprise me at all. It is a word that always describes me ever since and I have manage to survive with it. A curse and a blessing having the capacity to feel deeply about everything.
But isn't my longing a universal cry? Are all the people around me never for once long for someone, for someplace, of something that will free them from the heart wrenching pain of never being satisfied?
....
I therefore, in all the brokeness I have, conclude that the loneliness each of us mortals have actually comes from the Divine Power. He had made us with that hole in our hearts that only He will be able to fill. Our world is constantly changing, we somehow needs someone who does not have this sense of time to change Him. We need unconditional love. A love that will never require us to have that money, that power, mansions and cars, fame and titles to be worthy of. We have our own choices. I choose to welcome that Divine Power today because of that hole in my heart that tends to consume me everyday. Im getting tired of nursing that hole anyway.
I hope you do too.
Monday, July 21, 2014
WHAT I WISH I KNEW WHEN I WAS TWENTY ONE
Somes says that things always make sense in the end. Well, these all makes sense now.
1. Sometimes it is not rainbow at the end of a storm, sometimes its fireworks. Literally.
2. Its okay to try new things. Seek your own adventure. When you find it good, you will be happy. When you not, at least you try.
3. Treasure your family. Say thank you to your parents for the things they've done and keep on doing. I just woke up one day realizing that Im blessed because of them. They're not perfect, but they were just what I needed. Love your sisters. Treat them as your best friends. I have come to despise television programs that depicts siblings as rivals for fucking wealth, attention and love. Holy crap! does their so called great directors ever knew what sacrifice and sharing means?
4. Remember: only strong ones forgive, it was a quality that seperates them from the weak.
5. I've experienced an overwhelming judgement and manipulation from the people who does not even know what my middle name is. I've learned through that that people have this nauseating tendency to drag others into the hell they're into. They will drag you more, if you let them.
6. The world is full of dumb people who speaks stupid things and thinks that they knew everything. You have to live with them though. Intelligent ones who mind their words are getting endangered now.
7. You are not alone. Many will make you feel like you are but do not listen to them. The world is inhabitated by those who think and feel like you do. I write. Not for my critics but for my people, so they will know they're not alone.
8. Read good books, not just entertaining ones. I have learned how to live on the pages of the books I read. Walk with the characters. See life as the authors do. I find it true that reading lets you have as many lifetimes as you want.
9. Trust the Lord. If you cannot trust Him then who else is left to trust? He is in control. Sometimes, things will seem like its not going to get any better but God is in the start and He he had already been in the finish line. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing.
10. In all cases, never ever disrecpect yourself. This has been the most liberating lesson I've learned the year round. Accept who you are. No one will do if you do not. Do what you want. Let them judge you, they cannot judge you enough. Let them rot in their own misery in knowing that you do what you want and that they cannot. Do not disrespect yourself by dancing in someone else music. Create your own music. And above all, do not live a life. Build you own life where others can live into.
I would gladly want to greet myself a happy birthday but Im still quite not sure if Im happy. But I find it a good thing, I can become very happy tomorrow if not today. :)))))
1. Sometimes it is not rainbow at the end of a storm, sometimes its fireworks. Literally.
2. Its okay to try new things. Seek your own adventure. When you find it good, you will be happy. When you not, at least you try.
3. Treasure your family. Say thank you to your parents for the things they've done and keep on doing. I just woke up one day realizing that Im blessed because of them. They're not perfect, but they were just what I needed. Love your sisters. Treat them as your best friends. I have come to despise television programs that depicts siblings as rivals for fucking wealth, attention and love. Holy crap! does their so called great directors ever knew what sacrifice and sharing means?
4. Remember: only strong ones forgive, it was a quality that seperates them from the weak.
5. I've experienced an overwhelming judgement and manipulation from the people who does not even know what my middle name is. I've learned through that that people have this nauseating tendency to drag others into the hell they're into. They will drag you more, if you let them.
6. The world is full of dumb people who speaks stupid things and thinks that they knew everything. You have to live with them though. Intelligent ones who mind their words are getting endangered now.
7. You are not alone. Many will make you feel like you are but do not listen to them. The world is inhabitated by those who think and feel like you do. I write. Not for my critics but for my people, so they will know they're not alone.
8. Read good books, not just entertaining ones. I have learned how to live on the pages of the books I read. Walk with the characters. See life as the authors do. I find it true that reading lets you have as many lifetimes as you want.
9. Trust the Lord. If you cannot trust Him then who else is left to trust? He is in control. Sometimes, things will seem like its not going to get any better but God is in the start and He he had already been in the finish line. Trust Him. He knows what He's doing.
10. In all cases, never ever disrecpect yourself. This has been the most liberating lesson I've learned the year round. Accept who you are. No one will do if you do not. Do what you want. Let them judge you, they cannot judge you enough. Let them rot in their own misery in knowing that you do what you want and that they cannot. Do not disrespect yourself by dancing in someone else music. Create your own music. And above all, do not live a life. Build you own life where others can live into.
I would gladly want to greet myself a happy birthday but Im still quite not sure if Im happy. But I find it a good thing, I can become very happy tomorrow if not today. :)))))
Saturday, June 14, 2014
TIC TAC TOE
Things change.
People kept changing.
The sun always rise and set at the same direction but not those whom it shines for.
You love her so much to the point that you think your heart will burst out but today, you just woke up hating the day you met her.
You lose your mom in a car accident a year ago. During those four months of grief, you were convince that you weren't fit to live in a world without her anymore. Two years had past now and as those suicidal thoughts visit you at night, you were suddenly afraid to die.
Being a mother of two kids, you watch them go to their first day of school. They were shrieking, calling your name and begging you not to leave them alone. Last night, your conversation with your first born was tough. He was informing you that he's getting married but you don't like the girl. He was just informing you. Your permission would not matter.
You knew her like forever. You swore to each other--bestfriends forever. She goes abroad three years ago to follow my dreams, she says. You folow yours. The communication between the both of you, during those years, were little. Last night, you see her at your alumni homecoming. Your eyes met hers, she gives you a smile. Only a smile.
Things keep changing.
Peole keep changing.
Nothing last forever. We all know this. But at the end of the day, we keep on seeing ourselves having the kind of forever we always want.
We keep on believing on things that time couldn't touch. But we're aware that we do not own anything.
How utterly sad is to realize that as long as there is time, there will always be change.
People kept changing.
The sun always rise and set at the same direction but not those whom it shines for.
You love her so much to the point that you think your heart will burst out but today, you just woke up hating the day you met her.
You lose your mom in a car accident a year ago. During those four months of grief, you were convince that you weren't fit to live in a world without her anymore. Two years had past now and as those suicidal thoughts visit you at night, you were suddenly afraid to die.
Being a mother of two kids, you watch them go to their first day of school. They were shrieking, calling your name and begging you not to leave them alone. Last night, your conversation with your first born was tough. He was informing you that he's getting married but you don't like the girl. He was just informing you. Your permission would not matter.
You knew her like forever. You swore to each other--bestfriends forever. She goes abroad three years ago to follow my dreams, she says. You folow yours. The communication between the both of you, during those years, were little. Last night, you see her at your alumni homecoming. Your eyes met hers, she gives you a smile. Only a smile.
Things keep changing.
Peole keep changing.
Nothing last forever. We all know this. But at the end of the day, we keep on seeing ourselves having the kind of forever we always want.
We keep on believing on things that time couldn't touch. But we're aware that we do not own anything.
How utterly sad is to realize that as long as there is time, there will always be change.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
FRAGMENTS OF TIME: INTRODUCTION
It was a very humid night when my sister, maybe drug from three hours of internet browsing, ask a question I keep on pondering for three days now. She had just knew 30 minutes ago that Im the author of a blog called Apples and Midnight Stories.
"Such courage", she exclaimed. It was, really.
"Well, it takes a strong woman to speak her mind diba?" I said, quoting the words of a famous Philippine talk show host.
We laughed.
"Why do you write, sister?" she teased.
For a moment, I ponder for the right words. Those that will shut her up. :p
Finally, I said, "Why wouldn't I?"
And it goes that way. Why wouldn't I? Why would the rest of the world will not? Writing on this site and on my journals are my way of talking to the universe.
Contrary to the usual belief, emotions and events have their equivalent words. I believe its necessary to write down those things that made you glad, put you to tears, reminds you of your fears and whatever emotions an event stirs up in you. Writing them down would somehow make the time stop. Those feelings, events and people that had been converted into words became immortal. Frozen forever in time.
Each of us has their own stories to tell, remembering hurts, but one day we'll realize that not being able to remember hurts more.
For the first time ever, I decided to remember my life. I will snatch those memories from the past and write it down making them untouchable by time.
Don't get me wrong though. Past is past and we were taught not to dwell with it anymore but I think there's beauty in sharing with the world those things that made you who you are.
After all, at the very end, we will all end up like the things we wrote down--stories.
"Such courage", she exclaimed. It was, really.
"Well, it takes a strong woman to speak her mind diba?" I said, quoting the words of a famous Philippine talk show host.
We laughed.
"Why do you write, sister?" she teased.
For a moment, I ponder for the right words. Those that will shut her up. :p
Finally, I said, "Why wouldn't I?"
And it goes that way. Why wouldn't I? Why would the rest of the world will not? Writing on this site and on my journals are my way of talking to the universe.
Contrary to the usual belief, emotions and events have their equivalent words. I believe its necessary to write down those things that made you glad, put you to tears, reminds you of your fears and whatever emotions an event stirs up in you. Writing them down would somehow make the time stop. Those feelings, events and people that had been converted into words became immortal. Frozen forever in time.
Each of us has their own stories to tell, remembering hurts, but one day we'll realize that not being able to remember hurts more.
For the first time ever, I decided to remember my life. I will snatch those memories from the past and write it down making them untouchable by time.
Don't get me wrong though. Past is past and we were taught not to dwell with it anymore but I think there's beauty in sharing with the world those things that made you who you are.
After all, at the very end, we will all end up like the things we wrote down--stories.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
THAT COLD COLD
You were there.
Underneath the vast dark sky with the gentle wind washing through your body. You have your friends with you. Your friends for almost ten years, having known each other for quite long, you knew they were more than special. Its dark out there and cold but you found pleasure in enjoying the soft wind that brushes through your face and all over your body.
You feel naked that night for you have left your walls unguarded. Why would you? The people who always do their best to hurt you were far away.
For the first time in two months, you felt free. Free from all the judgement of the world. No one will try to define you here.
And as you look at that nightsky you suddenly felt miserable. Why am I living like this? Why, in all people do I have to live like this?
But you don't have an answer for that one. Not yet now.
Underneath the vast dark sky with the gentle wind washing through your body. You have your friends with you. Your friends for almost ten years, having known each other for quite long, you knew they were more than special. Its dark out there and cold but you found pleasure in enjoying the soft wind that brushes through your face and all over your body.
You feel naked that night for you have left your walls unguarded. Why would you? The people who always do their best to hurt you were far away.
For the first time in two months, you felt free. Free from all the judgement of the world. No one will try to define you here.
And as you look at that nightsky you suddenly felt miserable. Why am I living like this? Why, in all people do I have to live like this?
But you don't have an answer for that one. Not yet now.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
POKER FACE
The days that gone by without me writing in here were greatly spent on things that my parents considered what matters but does not make me happy.
I am working now.
Let's just say inside one of the most prestigious hospital in the country. For the meantime, not a nurse per se but as a medical secretary. The environment was good. The income enough to sustain me with my needs and wants. The workmates, however, sucks. But they're okay as long as our relationship remain professional.
People, especially my mother's friends say Im fortunate. "Not everyone can be a lucky as you", they say. I have not been in a word fight with my mother for three weeks now and I can now buy my sister things she wants. But deep inside, I am not happy. I never appreciate this opportunity and I don't feel satisfied.
You may find my reasons dumb but hey, Im not going to live forever, time is bloody gold for me, I don't want to waste any of it in a place that was not really for me. The work was routinely unchanging, without surprises, without difference and at the end of the day, without a sense of fulfillment. The people in there? I don't like any of them. I am not being judgy but people can be known by what they say isn't it? Everyday the talk was purely small but its like the earth's axis will stop if they will not talk about those stupid things. They think they were knowledgeable and wise but if you dare ask why, they would just say "its how things were". How pathetic. The worst part can be concluded at the end of the day. Because things are in routine, there was a feeling of being useless. Its like you were just hired to do things without learning and growth. You were there as if design to work as intended. I have never imagine that I will be in this situation where I cannot make anything worth it. This whole thing ruins my dreams of working and making my dreams come true and I have come to hate it.
I hate it but for the meantime I plan to stay doing one of the things Im good at--pretention. I am a great pretender. Pretending to be happy and practical but inside cursing myself because Im motivated by money and petty things Im getting in return. I am once again imprison. Im laughing now, actually.
*sighs*
I tried explaning this things to my mother before accepting the position. I told her I want to work in a place where I can be a nurse or an educator because that's what I want to do. But instead of listening, I doubt she hear any of the words I said. Its like were both talking to each other with different languages we're both stranger of. She insist that my decisions were not always right and that I don't know anything because Im just 21 years old. "You have not seen anything yet". Thanks to her I realized how different we are to each other. She wants a simple life, dying with the world not knowing she even exist. I want to be known and to die with a legacy. Yes, I may have come from her womb but that's all there is.
At this moment, I think my sole choice is to be strong and stay detach. I will still educate myself of the things that matters and continue writing in here to keep my sanity in check. Besides, the good part of that stupid job is that Im earning money enough to provide small luxury for my sister and save so I can enroll again taking forensic science. The lesson here is endurement and patience and humbleness and who knows I may be awarded of having the best poker face in the history.
I swear after this is over, I will walk away from there and I will not look back like I'll turn into salt if I did. Ever.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
GONE ARE THE DAWN
She stirred up just before the sun rose and envelopes that part of the earth. She looks around the bed which she shares with her parents and two siblings. She was five then and her mother was nowhere to be found. "She's gone to work now", she reasoned to herself. Suffering from a childhood separation anxiety, she comforts herself by believing that her mother will be back as soon as her work was complete. She felt herself crying but if she do her sister would stir up and cry also. "I must be brave", she encourages herself.
And so it goes.
She was in her twenties now. No separation anxiety to be worried about, or so she thinks. But why now? She have watched friends come and go. She knew how her grandparents had gone from being the ones larger than life until sickness strike their tired bodies making them take a rest forever. She knew now that people can suddenly go without saying goodbye. So why now is she experiencing extreme nostalgia? Why is she experiencing this strange loneliness as if she was faraway from home and her people.
She had grown up. Yes, but maybe the repressed feelings of that dawn when she didn't let herself feel the anxiety brought by her mother's absence had become overflowing thus her subconcious mind tries to lessen it by making her feel now.
Is she dying?
No.
"I must be brave", she told herself. "It comes and goes but what's important now is your feelings. Feel, my child self. Feel so you will be free."
And so it goes.
She was in her twenties now. No separation anxiety to be worried about, or so she thinks. But why now? She have watched friends come and go. She knew how her grandparents had gone from being the ones larger than life until sickness strike their tired bodies making them take a rest forever. She knew now that people can suddenly go without saying goodbye. So why now is she experiencing extreme nostalgia? Why is she experiencing this strange loneliness as if she was faraway from home and her people.
She had grown up. Yes, but maybe the repressed feelings of that dawn when she didn't let herself feel the anxiety brought by her mother's absence had become overflowing thus her subconcious mind tries to lessen it by making her feel now.
Is she dying?
No.
"I must be brave", she told herself. "It comes and goes but what's important now is your feelings. Feel, my child self. Feel so you will be free."
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
WE ARE REASONS
We are what we are because we are made out of many reasons.
We are often defined by who are our parents, labeled by the society through our diplomas and ranked by our income.
We are our childhood experiences, our defeats and our victories.
We are our choices and the consequences of each decisions we made.
We are what the church says we are; a child of God, created in His image, made to be loved and what the science says; a product of evolution.
We are what we says, what we eat, what we wear, what we read, what we watch and what we listens to.
We are what scares us, what makes us smile, angers us and what bring us to tears.
We are every single day we live, and every single day we begins to die. We are our emptiness and our fullfilments.
We are how we treat others and how others treat us. We are what we reap because of what we sow.
We are all of these reasons, yet I can't help but wonder, who are we going to be if we come to wake up one day and somebody had taken all these reasons away.
We are often defined by who are our parents, labeled by the society through our diplomas and ranked by our income.
We are our childhood experiences, our defeats and our victories.
We are our choices and the consequences of each decisions we made.
We are what the church says we are; a child of God, created in His image, made to be loved and what the science says; a product of evolution.
We are what we says, what we eat, what we wear, what we read, what we watch and what we listens to.
We are what scares us, what makes us smile, angers us and what bring us to tears.
We are every single day we live, and every single day we begins to die. We are our emptiness and our fullfilments.
We are how we treat others and how others treat us. We are what we reap because of what we sow.
We are all of these reasons, yet I can't help but wonder, who are we going to be if we come to wake up one day and somebody had taken all these reasons away.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
SICK PEOPLE IN A SICK WORLD
People make mistakes.
They are not gods, they are humans. Mistakes, thus, are one of the things that make humans a man. Its quite logical how we come to be what we are, mistakes, on the other hand teaches us how to be strong and better. There is nothing to learn from perfection, it is through failure that one can become what he needs to become.
Peolple make mistakes, but blaming others out of your mistakes is a different story.
I noticed that as humans make mistakes they are also capable of making other things. They were capable of blaming others out of their own insufficiency. Certain ones have this sickening tendency of finding fault in you so they may prove to themselves that you are not as good as it seems to be. They will, in many situations, try to put you down so they "can" feel good about themselves. As if finding your imperfections will make them rich and famous or make them a nominee for the Oscar's award.
People do that. That's one of the things that make them humans.
How tragic are the substances we are made of.
They are not gods, they are humans. Mistakes, thus, are one of the things that make humans a man. Its quite logical how we come to be what we are, mistakes, on the other hand teaches us how to be strong and better. There is nothing to learn from perfection, it is through failure that one can become what he needs to become.
Peolple make mistakes, but blaming others out of your mistakes is a different story.
I noticed that as humans make mistakes they are also capable of making other things. They were capable of blaming others out of their own insufficiency. Certain ones have this sickening tendency of finding fault in you so they may prove to themselves that you are not as good as it seems to be. They will, in many situations, try to put you down so they "can" feel good about themselves. As if finding your imperfections will make them rich and famous or make them a nominee for the Oscar's award.
People do that. That's one of the things that make them humans.
How tragic are the substances we are made of.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
THEY FAILED ME
For the sake of the people around me I have tried my best to remain in this place for almost everyday. Fortunately, the odds had always been in my favor. I am quite a survivor for a month now.
I have hated the situation before, but through the loving guidance of my Lord and my family (who solely receives the good art of my first compensation) I realized that things do happened for our own good.
The sad part is that I have noticed things to be, well, boring. The people with whom I spend my working hours were all common. They, in every way offers boring conversations. The topics discussed in the office were all in routine. I feel like Im in a never ending state of assisting and taking blood pressure of the clients whose lives I cannot touch and stories, after listening to, were not worth a space in my memory. I was just walking home one night and all of a sudden a whisper from what I want to consider my old self made me realize that I become the very person I always swear I wouldn't be.
Things failed to fascinate me and I don't know how long this horror will last.
I have to keep writing though. Not for anyone now. For myself. So that I wouldn't be like them who just passes time.
Im in a new mission. To keep myself in a world where everyone is trying to make you one of them.
I have hated the situation before, but through the loving guidance of my Lord and my family (who solely receives the good art of my first compensation) I realized that things do happened for our own good.
The sad part is that I have noticed things to be, well, boring. The people with whom I spend my working hours were all common. They, in every way offers boring conversations. The topics discussed in the office were all in routine. I feel like Im in a never ending state of assisting and taking blood pressure of the clients whose lives I cannot touch and stories, after listening to, were not worth a space in my memory. I was just walking home one night and all of a sudden a whisper from what I want to consider my old self made me realize that I become the very person I always swear I wouldn't be.
Things failed to fascinate me and I don't know how long this horror will last.
I have to keep writing though. Not for anyone now. For myself. So that I wouldn't be like them who just passes time.
Im in a new mission. To keep myself in a world where everyone is trying to make you one of them.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
INSULTS TO MY DENSENESS
"Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people."
-Eleonor Roosevelt
Even Eleonor can tell that based on my daily conversation with people, I, the great Allyssa the strange, the dreamer, the weird and the eternally curious now belongs to the group of people she had called small minded. *sighs heavily* I always hate small talk but in order to belong I can now write a book on "How To Be Good In Small Talks".
But because Im different, after two weeks of trying to be what others are, I've implemented a "no speaking policy for three days" as a self-punishment.
As someone who had been financially dependent to my parents, working means being in an environment that offers great adjustments and many uncomfortabilities. I expected them, understanding that it was a way to grow and to become a better version of myself. Man, what I didn't expect is that I'll be with people--small friggin' idiots.
It all started this last few weeks.Because of my constant search for a job I've been surrounded by different people. People I don't want to know personally. People who thinks they knew everything just because they were five years or more older than me.
What a crap indeed. Its pure shit to have a conversation with them everyday. I can't even find the right words that would totally describe their innate stupidities. I can't believe how adults manage to survive years of working within an environment where conversations consist mostly of people, foods, clothes, people, foods and people. (The last sentence passed the most careful assessment thus, declared free from any typographical error)
Examples:
1. My ___! have you heard what happen to her? Im gonna die, I swear, she and him slept together last night!
2. Im so fat. I don't want to eat anything, but Im hungry. Hey! will you buy me a caesar salad? Oh its not enough, add it up with Piatoos, milk tea, sprite float and three cinnamon breads.
3. Have you seen her outfit today. It's ugly. Does she really think she's pretty? (laugh out loud)
4. Girl, Im at Krabby Patty yesterday. Goodness! the burgers are delicious. It cost a little so I make sure I post it on Facebook before munching. The price is worth the likes.
Each day Im outside, with them on the place I want to work, I come to dread the moment they're gonna open their mouth because I can feel my IQ slipping down and I swear if I can only see my neurons getting sick I will declare an epidemic outbreak.
I realize now how cruel this extroverts-dominated world is for us introverts.
All Im trying to say is is, if being an adult means talking about your so-called friends behind their backs, criticizing others clothing type, laughing at your co-workers silently as they accidentally shame themselves in front of their bosses, analyzing every 20 minutes how handsome a guy is especially when he's naked and talking endlessly of how you want to be treated but does the opposite to another, then bl**dy h*ll! I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ADULT ANYMORE!
Why do I have to live like this?
Im already feeling a sense of envy for those humans who live on mountains, at the Atlantic ocean; the rare tribes that secretly thrive for thousands of years away from technology and money. Yes, they were considered poor, uneducated, ill-mannered and uncivilized (excuse me for the words) but they have what, we, educated and civilized does not have, or if some do they can only be counted in one hand---freedom. They are the ones who truly lived a life, some of us are just here to be counted as a population. *puffs*
Can someone explain to me again why we need so much money when all the things in life that makes us homo sapiens happy are priceless?
Back to the topic of the people around me.
I think I should be thankful that their low intelligence and lack of holy curiosity were not infectious diseases.
LOL.
Monday, March 10, 2014
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
She turns sixteen today. 9th of March. I remember her being the only one in the family who's excited about upcoming birthdays. She loves giving each of us a handmade birthday cards when its our birthday and when its hers, she never fails to remind us that she expects us to give her something. Its odd, because I still remember how we celebrates her birthday for those thirteen years. The memories were still clear as crystal. I remember giving her a stuff toy when she turns twelve, she named it twelve and I promised her then that there will always be a stuff toy every March 9 which she can name based on her age. I never have imagined that she can only hold two stuff toys.
I keep my promise until now. I had Sixteen for her as a gift.
What will she look like if she was here? Will she resembles my features? Will her voice change? Will her hair be still long or short? Will her skin be more fair or dark? What kind of stuff toy will she request me for? How many slices of cake can she eat?
The answers, I will never know. It has been taken away from me three years ago.
I don't want to cry. I'm so tired of being so emotional, but today when I was beside that small piece of earth that keep her physical body away from us, I had let my heart out. I shed tears, this time not from pain, but from the gratitude of having known her. I feel so special at that very moment, of all the years I had, of all the years I will always be grateful to had. Man, she was the most wonderful gift I ever treasured.
And up until that moment I was convince more than ever that I will never say goodbye.
After all, I never had any intentions of moving on.
I keep my promise until now. I had Sixteen for her as a gift.
What will she look like if she was here? Will she resembles my features? Will her voice change? Will her hair be still long or short? Will her skin be more fair or dark? What kind of stuff toy will she request me for? How many slices of cake can she eat?
The answers, I will never know. It has been taken away from me three years ago.
I don't want to cry. I'm so tired of being so emotional, but today when I was beside that small piece of earth that keep her physical body away from us, I had let my heart out. I shed tears, this time not from pain, but from the gratitude of having known her. I feel so special at that very moment, of all the years I had, of all the years I will always be grateful to had. Man, she was the most wonderful gift I ever treasured.
And up until that moment I was convince more than ever that I will never say goodbye.
After all, I never had any intentions of moving on.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
BEAUTIFUL WORDS
"The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing: isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed by feelings of panic, self-loathing and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that's on a good day."
I wonder how these people were able to put the exact feelings I feel into words. I've learned to accept somehow that there were feelings one may feel that has no equivalent in words, for putting those emotions into words would betray the feeling and the essence of it. Im just glad that Im weird (laughs silently while writing this).
"You had to take risks, follow some path and abandon others. No one can make a choice without feeling afraid."
-Paulo Coelho, Brida
I wonder how these people were able to put the exact feelings I feel into words. I've learned to accept somehow that there were feelings one may feel that has no equivalent in words, for putting those emotions into words would betray the feeling and the essence of it. Im just glad that Im weird (laughs silently while writing this).
"You had to take risks, follow some path and abandon others. No one can make a choice without feeling afraid."
-Paulo Coelho, Brida
STICKING TO THE STATUS QUO
Problem:
I have spent this last five days struggling over my long time dreams and the fact of who I am now. Well, this long time dreams basically consist of me being a musician and a published author while the fact that I am now a registered nurse were just like two opposing forces.
Registered nurses should take the path of developing your career: getting yourself a two or more graduate courses, work abroad, be a member of different organizations and help the profession to grow. But as you already know me by my posts now, I always want more.
I never consider myself as Jill of all trades. I guess Im just having a difficult time now because I've been raise in a culture that teach people to live and think inside the box instead of having and dreaming lives larger than life itself. Maybe its the reason why some of my people feel afraid of taking paths unknown to them.
"What if it does not work?"
"If I take it, what if its not comfortable?"
"What if people reject me because Im not born for it?"
The what ifs. I just hated them. Walking an unknown path can be very scary but what if its worth it?
Resolution:
Its clear to me now, if I want something, I should get it myself. After all, no one else can walk the road Im destined to travel at. I don't want to be comfortable. Comfortable people does not have a space in history. I decided now that I will innovate myself, if I fail, I have a lesson learned but if I win I will be happy. So much for a deviant. Darn.
I have spent this last five days struggling over my long time dreams and the fact of who I am now. Well, this long time dreams basically consist of me being a musician and a published author while the fact that I am now a registered nurse were just like two opposing forces.
Registered nurses should take the path of developing your career: getting yourself a two or more graduate courses, work abroad, be a member of different organizations and help the profession to grow. But as you already know me by my posts now, I always want more.
I never consider myself as Jill of all trades. I guess Im just having a difficult time now because I've been raise in a culture that teach people to live and think inside the box instead of having and dreaming lives larger than life itself. Maybe its the reason why some of my people feel afraid of taking paths unknown to them.
"What if it does not work?"
"If I take it, what if its not comfortable?"
"What if people reject me because Im not born for it?"
The what ifs. I just hated them. Walking an unknown path can be very scary but what if its worth it?
Resolution:
Its clear to me now, if I want something, I should get it myself. After all, no one else can walk the road Im destined to travel at. I don't want to be comfortable. Comfortable people does not have a space in history. I decided now that I will innovate myself, if I fail, I have a lesson learned but if I win I will be happy. So much for a deviant. Darn.
SENTIMENTAL FOOL
He was my type. Tall, lean, moreno, and mysterious. He belongs to the society I have spent five years to be at. I still remember the day I laid my eyes on him and I thought he came from the same world I always try to deny myself from. I had admired him. His thoughts, the way he try to build a wall for himself, the excitement of penetrating that wall and seeing him from the inside, that hope of falling inlove and being loved which I thought I can have a taste of---- man, I was wrong, as usual when it comes to guys.
I never expected anything from him. I had learned not to expect anything from anyone through hard ways. Maybe I just thought that after those long enduring years of keeping myself I finally found someone who.......
He was not what I think of him at all. He's the typical guy who longs for love yet too reluctant to give his heart to someone else. He's not different as I imagine he is. He doesn't know his worth that's why he settles for physical pleasure rather than finding that one true love that will try to burn every fiber of his being. To make this long nonsensical story of mine short, I find him just like them--a sentimental fool, who thinks he had seen enough of this world but doesn't really know anything.
"I told you, no matter how far you go, you will never escape the fact that you will always be alone."
This is all my fault. I have let myself go to the place I am forbidden. I'm just fortunate I can still get myself back.
I never expected anything from him. I had learned not to expect anything from anyone through hard ways. Maybe I just thought that after those long enduring years of keeping myself I finally found someone who.......
He was not what I think of him at all. He's the typical guy who longs for love yet too reluctant to give his heart to someone else. He's not different as I imagine he is. He doesn't know his worth that's why he settles for physical pleasure rather than finding that one true love that will try to burn every fiber of his being. To make this long nonsensical story of mine short, I find him just like them--a sentimental fool, who thinks he had seen enough of this world but doesn't really know anything.
"I told you, no matter how far you go, you will never escape the fact that you will always be alone."
This is all my fault. I have let myself go to the place I am forbidden. I'm just fortunate I can still get myself back.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
THE HER IN ME
I had spend my day today in extreme nostalgia. I miss her terribly. She was, in so many ways a bestfriend I could never have again. It was ironic though, for I realized that sometimes those happiest moments were also the saddest. I always try to subdue the memories of those dark days. Those days when we become helpless in the face of the situation, of each others and of time. I don't want to remember what happened because remembering comes with the feelings the time cannot heal. But today was different. My brain doesn't try to make me remember those dark days, instead it tries to bring me back to those good old days.
The good old days. How I wish I can turn back time and be able to live there again. I remember not having anything materialistic that time (we don't yet have anything) No facebook account, no smartphones, no expensive books and no status in the society. Just the three of us. Just getting to know that outside of our home, there is the world. I remember contentment in getting the highest score in scrabble and watching the latest episode of our favorite anime. I remember blackout nights when we were there, lying in bed, playing with our own shadows and talking about things we've learned in school. I remember how we always divide a burger so that the three of us could have a taste because our parents taught us that sharing is the key to a strong family ties. I, who cannot remember the name of my grade one school teacher, remember everything.
How cruel fate can be?
Just as when we're beginning to know who we are and what on earth are we here for....
Just as when we're appreciating every moment and every smile....
Just as when we're actually living and not just existing....
I miss her. Some may not understand what the word "miss" for me is but I know some knows. Its like Hazel Grace missing Augustus Waters. "..I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." (The Fault in Our Stars, John Green, pg. 260). I miss her and I will miss her as long as Im breathing. I miss talking to her. I miss those days when I can just discuss to her about anything my attention goes to. I miss her voice, her laughs, her scream. The way she talks and says goodnight. I still remember how she begin to pray before mealtime, how she stops and how she says amen. I miss her way of saying "ate!" to me. I miss everything about her and it breaks my heart to remember these things because I know that I should move on, be force to live my life without her by my side. But how can I move on? how can I do that? where the heck of my pathetic existence will I get the courage and start?
I told you. I had an extreme sense of nostalgia. I spend minutes writing this with tight throat and blurry eyes.
The good old days. How I wish I can turn back time and be able to live there again. I remember not having anything materialistic that time (we don't yet have anything) No facebook account, no smartphones, no expensive books and no status in the society. Just the three of us. Just getting to know that outside of our home, there is the world. I remember contentment in getting the highest score in scrabble and watching the latest episode of our favorite anime. I remember blackout nights when we were there, lying in bed, playing with our own shadows and talking about things we've learned in school. I remember how we always divide a burger so that the three of us could have a taste because our parents taught us that sharing is the key to a strong family ties. I, who cannot remember the name of my grade one school teacher, remember everything.
How cruel fate can be?
Just as when we're beginning to know who we are and what on earth are we here for....
Just as when we're appreciating every moment and every smile....
Just as when we're actually living and not just existing....
I miss her. Some may not understand what the word "miss" for me is but I know some knows. Its like Hazel Grace missing Augustus Waters. "..I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." (The Fault in Our Stars, John Green, pg. 260). I miss her and I will miss her as long as Im breathing. I miss talking to her. I miss those days when I can just discuss to her about anything my attention goes to. I miss her voice, her laughs, her scream. The way she talks and says goodnight. I still remember how she begin to pray before mealtime, how she stops and how she says amen. I miss her way of saying "ate!" to me. I miss everything about her and it breaks my heart to remember these things because I know that I should move on, be force to live my life without her by my side. But how can I move on? how can I do that? where the heck of my pathetic existence will I get the courage and start?
I told you. I had an extreme sense of nostalgia. I spend minutes writing this with tight throat and blurry eyes.
LOVE MONTH
Its February. February has a 14th day. I think every people living right now on earth does know what's in with February 14. *smiles* Its Valentines day and every one around me are so excited (well, as usual, except me).
I never celebrates February 14th. Never wanted to. Not that I don't get any dinner invitation from guys (I do, actually) but because I feel awkward being alone with someone who thinks of me in a certain way (you know what I mean). Let me give you an insight.
I remember going on a lunch date one time. I had been with this guy whom I met because of my friends. I had agreed on that because I want to experience going with someone and because I find him physically attractive too. I remember browsing the internet two days before that just to educate myself on how to dress, act and speak on a date. On the very day of that lunch date, I prepared myself having in mind that date is getting to know the person more and one advice necessary is that you have to "just be yourself". Uugghh! How I've done everything I've learned but end up in a total mess. I try talking and being myself like:
Guy: So, aside from studying what else are you doing this days?
Me: Hmm. Im into reading Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code lately. Its good. I can lend you that sometime. Do you read?
Guy: No. I don't even read my school books. Whenever I try, I end up having a headache, but thanks.
Me: Ah. Okay. Hmm. Aside from reading, Im into astronomy. Im fascinated about the cassiopeai. How many constellation do you know?
Guy: I don't know any. By the way, have you already watch Saw 7? they say its the ending of Saw movies.
Me: I don't watch cannibalistic movies. Im sorry.
Guy: Its not cannibal. How about The Walking Dead?
Me: The last time I've watched zombie movie, I have not eaten any kinds of meat for a week.
Guy: Its not that disgusting. It has a good story. Its about..... you have to watch it for you to get it.
Me: Ahh.
(silence)
And that goes like that. Im being myself but its clear that were not compatible. He is good looking but I need more than that of course.
That's when I promise to myself not to go on a date again. Until now, I never accepted any lunch or dinner dates from any of my boy friends who wants to try the next level of friendship with me. Exception would be Joseph Morgan, Logan Lerman and Augustus Waters.
I do not have any intention of marrying someone. Not because Im a man hater, something like that, but because I do not see myself being with a guy that doesn't share the same weirdness that I have. I do not believe in opposites attract each other thing. It just couldn't be for a girl with an old soul like me.
The male species. I hate certain things about them based on my experiences with some. I hate being stare like Im some kind of girl waiting to have someone who will take me in bed. I hate it when they want to carry my bag or treat me to some meal and expect me to return the favor. Im not a sexist. Im very independent and I do not like them making me feel uncapable in small things such as carrying my own bag. I hate it when they try to hold your hand or hug you without asking first if its okay.
But, I believe in love. I believe that one day I'll be able to meet my Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen). I believe that someone out there is destine to fill and continue my thoughts about what if e is not really equals to mc squared. *giggles* I believe that he can shatter my sanity and yet keep it because he finds it amazing. He will know that I am not my past but my dreams and I will share to him the dreams I want to fulfill and leave behind. I believe that there's someone out there who finds the cruelty and unfairness of the world and yet believe that it is still a beautiful place to spend a lifetime. I believe in love. I believe that it has no boundaries, no time and no reasons. When that happens, when I finally have him, I'll then show you, fairy tales are real.
I never celebrates February 14th. Never wanted to. Not that I don't get any dinner invitation from guys (I do, actually) but because I feel awkward being alone with someone who thinks of me in a certain way (you know what I mean). Let me give you an insight.
I remember going on a lunch date one time. I had been with this guy whom I met because of my friends. I had agreed on that because I want to experience going with someone and because I find him physically attractive too. I remember browsing the internet two days before that just to educate myself on how to dress, act and speak on a date. On the very day of that lunch date, I prepared myself having in mind that date is getting to know the person more and one advice necessary is that you have to "just be yourself". Uugghh! How I've done everything I've learned but end up in a total mess. I try talking and being myself like:
Guy: So, aside from studying what else are you doing this days?
Me: Hmm. Im into reading Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code lately. Its good. I can lend you that sometime. Do you read?
Guy: No. I don't even read my school books. Whenever I try, I end up having a headache, but thanks.
Me: Ah. Okay. Hmm. Aside from reading, Im into astronomy. Im fascinated about the cassiopeai. How many constellation do you know?
Guy: I don't know any. By the way, have you already watch Saw 7? they say its the ending of Saw movies.
Me: I don't watch cannibalistic movies. Im sorry.
Guy: Its not cannibal. How about The Walking Dead?
Me: The last time I've watched zombie movie, I have not eaten any kinds of meat for a week.
Guy: Its not that disgusting. It has a good story. Its about..... you have to watch it for you to get it.
Me: Ahh.
(silence)
And that goes like that. Im being myself but its clear that were not compatible. He is good looking but I need more than that of course.
That's when I promise to myself not to go on a date again. Until now, I never accepted any lunch or dinner dates from any of my boy friends who wants to try the next level of friendship with me. Exception would be Joseph Morgan, Logan Lerman and Augustus Waters.
I do not have any intention of marrying someone. Not because Im a man hater, something like that, but because I do not see myself being with a guy that doesn't share the same weirdness that I have. I do not believe in opposites attract each other thing. It just couldn't be for a girl with an old soul like me.
The male species. I hate certain things about them based on my experiences with some. I hate being stare like Im some kind of girl waiting to have someone who will take me in bed. I hate it when they want to carry my bag or treat me to some meal and expect me to return the favor. Im not a sexist. Im very independent and I do not like them making me feel uncapable in small things such as carrying my own bag. I hate it when they try to hold your hand or hug you without asking first if its okay.
But, I believe in love. I believe that one day I'll be able to meet my Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen). I believe that someone out there is destine to fill and continue my thoughts about what if e is not really equals to mc squared. *giggles* I believe that he can shatter my sanity and yet keep it because he finds it amazing. He will know that I am not my past but my dreams and I will share to him the dreams I want to fulfill and leave behind. I believe that there's someone out there who finds the cruelty and unfairness of the world and yet believe that it is still a beautiful place to spend a lifetime. I believe in love. I believe that it has no boundaries, no time and no reasons. When that happens, when I finally have him, I'll then show you, fairy tales are real.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
DEEPLY FASCINATED
Warning: This article can be very disturbing. :)))
Given the contents of every nightly news on the television and the world wide web, I can say that if their goal is to make me fascinated, well, they win. I have become fascinated now more than I have ever been before I wrote this article. :) A person killed another. A man rape his own daughter. An employer torturing his houseworker. A foreigner using foreign women for pleasure or for money. A mother selling her child to a pedophile so she can eat. (Its now your chance to imagine evil things). Blah Blah Blah. Yes, I hear you. "You don't know anything!" "You don't have any right to judge them because you're not on their skin". Well, say all you want I can say all I want.
I am aware that evil exist even before men had discovered how to make a fire and that I have no right to judge the things I cannot understand but my friend, I am also aware, as my chidhood crush Albert Einstein put it, that "The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil but by those who witness it and do nothing" I feel I have every right to ask and that I don't need to explain anything to anyone about my intentions. (which you can notice that I am already explaining)
My point is, we are born together with that thing we called choice. We always had a choice, whether to do good or to do cruel things to others. And I am left fascinated and bothered why some people can be so ruthless. How can a man hurts another in a way that he doesn't want to be treated like that. I just don't get it.
Ironically, I also admit that evil is necessary so we can know what is good. Hunger is needed so we can be full. Rich are there because we have the poor. Love is wonderful because we experience hate. (Place your own citation in here) Life is very ironical isn't it? God has given us the opposites so we can experience both during a lifetime and its ironical to think that this lifetime we have is the examination where the result will be the kind of another life we will be spending on eternity. Maybe some people forget that. They forget the truth that we will be living another life after this which is why they try to enjoy this lifetime for fear that they wouldn't enjoy the next. How fascinating, isn't it? The word "enjoy" there can mean enjoyment of doing nasty things or enjoyment of guilty pleasures. Eternity is infinite. it has no end and there will be no time. Well, I rather suffer now doing the right things even though its not funny or cool or amazing or "enjoying life to the fullest" than to spend my infinite days suffering only-God-knows-what as the result of happy and satisfying moments here but wrong in the eyes of the One who knows what's right.
I can say that I have awaken. I know the truth as simple as it always is and I do not try to make it complicated. I believe that all the people know what's right and what's wrong, it is, just that simple. One rule that govern my life, I will share to you: we will reap whatever we sow. We have choices, we should be brave enough for the consequences. I also know that the good and evil in this world will continue to fascinate me, for my entire lifetime maybe, but I have long ago accepted that I am, a mere spectator of the universe.
Given the contents of every nightly news on the television and the world wide web, I can say that if their goal is to make me fascinated, well, they win. I have become fascinated now more than I have ever been before I wrote this article. :) A person killed another. A man rape his own daughter. An employer torturing his houseworker. A foreigner using foreign women for pleasure or for money. A mother selling her child to a pedophile so she can eat. (Its now your chance to imagine evil things). Blah Blah Blah. Yes, I hear you. "You don't know anything!" "You don't have any right to judge them because you're not on their skin". Well, say all you want I can say all I want.
I am aware that evil exist even before men had discovered how to make a fire and that I have no right to judge the things I cannot understand but my friend, I am also aware, as my chidhood crush Albert Einstein put it, that "The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil but by those who witness it and do nothing" I feel I have every right to ask and that I don't need to explain anything to anyone about my intentions. (which you can notice that I am already explaining)
My point is, we are born together with that thing we called choice. We always had a choice, whether to do good or to do cruel things to others. And I am left fascinated and bothered why some people can be so ruthless. How can a man hurts another in a way that he doesn't want to be treated like that. I just don't get it.
Ironically, I also admit that evil is necessary so we can know what is good. Hunger is needed so we can be full. Rich are there because we have the poor. Love is wonderful because we experience hate. (Place your own citation in here) Life is very ironical isn't it? God has given us the opposites so we can experience both during a lifetime and its ironical to think that this lifetime we have is the examination where the result will be the kind of another life we will be spending on eternity. Maybe some people forget that. They forget the truth that we will be living another life after this which is why they try to enjoy this lifetime for fear that they wouldn't enjoy the next. How fascinating, isn't it? The word "enjoy" there can mean enjoyment of doing nasty things or enjoyment of guilty pleasures. Eternity is infinite. it has no end and there will be no time. Well, I rather suffer now doing the right things even though its not funny or cool or amazing or "enjoying life to the fullest" than to spend my infinite days suffering only-God-knows-what as the result of happy and satisfying moments here but wrong in the eyes of the One who knows what's right.
I can say that I have awaken. I know the truth as simple as it always is and I do not try to make it complicated. I believe that all the people know what's right and what's wrong, it is, just that simple. One rule that govern my life, I will share to you: we will reap whatever we sow. We have choices, we should be brave enough for the consequences. I also know that the good and evil in this world will continue to fascinate me, for my entire lifetime maybe, but I have long ago accepted that I am, a mere spectator of the universe.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
STRANGER IN A NEW WORLD
They say that beginnings are always the hardest. I will begin to fulfill my dreams tomorrow. I want to live, for her and for me, for the both of us now. I cannot face her one day and tell her that I spend my life trying to forget the past but still living in it. I will be brave. I want to experience life and have something to give back to it.
For now, I am not yet sure how I can do that, or what will I need and where on earth will I start. But, well-- I want to go places and prove even to myself that no matter how cruel and unfair the world is, it is after all a beautiful place. I want to see people. I want to learn more. I will try and fill myself with stories, so that when I finally see her I can proudly tell her that I have lived a life.
For now, I am not yet sure how I can do that, or what will I need and where on earth will I start. But, well-- I want to go places and prove even to myself that no matter how cruel and unfair the world is, it is after all a beautiful place. I want to see people. I want to learn more. I will try and fill myself with stories, so that when I finally see her I can proudly tell her that I have lived a life.
WAITING AND RECEIVING
IN THIS MOMENT by David Archuleta
Drivin' through the city
For the first time, you and me
Starrin' through window in my own reflection
How can a window encompass perfection
Now that I know what its like to be livin'
This beautiful world
Never stops givin'
I can't return to a life with no vision
Born into wise of my mind own decision
And I..
wanna be
in this moment
No one can take it away
And I..
wanna stay
in this moment
No one can take it away from me
Give me a chance and I'll show you what's real
Open my eyes and you'll see
That Im stuck in the moment
And no one can take it from me
I would have never known the beauty of this words until now. January 15, 2014. Its a glorious day for all of the new registered nurse named by the Professional Regulation Commission. I am one of them.
4864 Gaspar, Allyssa Joy Satin.
I feel ecstatic. Its like I can fly and touch the sky.
Those dreaded nights where gone. The tyranny of conscious mind: What if you don't make it? What if you make it? was behind me now.
I learned so much about waiting and of trusting to the ONE who knows what will happen tomorrow. As I am waiting for the result, I remember how hard it is to see the unseen, to believed for something you cannot see yet in the physical and what the word patience really is.
As of now, let me taste the moment. Let me rejoice that all the hard work I have invested had been paid of. It may be stupid of me. You may even say that I still have miles to go, but for now, and for the next thirty days to come, let me savor the victory I had prepared myself for four years.
Drivin' through the city
For the first time, you and me
Starrin' through window in my own reflection
How can a window encompass perfection
Now that I know what its like to be livin'
This beautiful world
Never stops givin'
I can't return to a life with no vision
Born into wise of my mind own decision
And I..
wanna be
in this moment
No one can take it away
And I..
wanna stay
in this moment
No one can take it away from me
Give me a chance and I'll show you what's real
Open my eyes and you'll see
That Im stuck in the moment
And no one can take it from me
I would have never known the beauty of this words until now. January 15, 2014. Its a glorious day for all of the new registered nurse named by the Professional Regulation Commission. I am one of them.
4864 Gaspar, Allyssa Joy Satin.
I feel ecstatic. Its like I can fly and touch the sky.
Those dreaded nights where gone. The tyranny of conscious mind: What if you don't make it? What if you make it? was behind me now.
I learned so much about waiting and of trusting to the ONE who knows what will happen tomorrow. As I am waiting for the result, I remember how hard it is to see the unseen, to believed for something you cannot see yet in the physical and what the word patience really is.
As of now, let me taste the moment. Let me rejoice that all the hard work I have invested had been paid of. It may be stupid of me. You may even say that I still have miles to go, but for now, and for the next thirty days to come, let me savor the victory I had prepared myself for four years.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
THAT NOTE IN MINOR C
Last December 23, 2013
The air was crisp. Nights longer than days. Children wearing their brand new sets of outfits. You can hear that soft music of christmas songs playing in the neighborhood. Everyone was busy buying gifts, planning what menu will be serve and place to spend the holidays to. Christmas is really in the air.
Christmas. December 25. The birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. By the way, be with me at this very moment and let's thank the Lord for giving us the most precious gift ever existed--Salvation. "I thank you Lord for saving my soul."
I had visited my friend last day. We had a conversation and it turns out bittersweet. She still misses her youngest sibling. She knew that for the years to come, christmas will always remind her of what she had lost, what she don't have and what she suppose to have but wouldn't be. I do think its crazy. Being happy and sad all along for the same day. She cannot be happy because she feels that any extreme happiness will be a betrayal to her sister who was not given a chance to feel life as she had. She feels that she should hold on and continue to grieve because its the only rope that connects her to her sister. In grief, she feels most close to her again. Like they'd been back in those good old days. She doesn't know how could it be, that she always want to experience life and yet cannot appreciate any of it. Yes, I know. She knows. You don't have to judge anymore.
I wonder how many broken hearts and broken souls was out there. Though in the midst of bright lights and laughter had manage to keep a happy face and at the end of the day finds themselves just the way it was before--alone. People say life is too short to waste that's why you have to live it to the fullest. I find it ironic that in loneliness and sadness, wisdom was there. You don't get any lesson worthy in happiness. And just like my instrument, people appreciate the minor c more than those in sharps.
The air was crisp. Nights longer than days. Children wearing their brand new sets of outfits. You can hear that soft music of christmas songs playing in the neighborhood. Everyone was busy buying gifts, planning what menu will be serve and place to spend the holidays to. Christmas is really in the air.
Christmas. December 25. The birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. By the way, be with me at this very moment and let's thank the Lord for giving us the most precious gift ever existed--Salvation. "I thank you Lord for saving my soul."
I had visited my friend last day. We had a conversation and it turns out bittersweet. She still misses her youngest sibling. She knew that for the years to come, christmas will always remind her of what she had lost, what she don't have and what she suppose to have but wouldn't be. I do think its crazy. Being happy and sad all along for the same day. She cannot be happy because she feels that any extreme happiness will be a betrayal to her sister who was not given a chance to feel life as she had. She feels that she should hold on and continue to grieve because its the only rope that connects her to her sister. In grief, she feels most close to her again. Like they'd been back in those good old days. She doesn't know how could it be, that she always want to experience life and yet cannot appreciate any of it. Yes, I know. She knows. You don't have to judge anymore.
I wonder how many broken hearts and broken souls was out there. Though in the midst of bright lights and laughter had manage to keep a happy face and at the end of the day finds themselves just the way it was before--alone. People say life is too short to waste that's why you have to live it to the fullest. I find it ironic that in loneliness and sadness, wisdom was there. You don't get any lesson worthy in happiness. And just like my instrument, people appreciate the minor c more than those in sharps.
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